I have been following your thread for a while now, but this is the first time that I have responded... I am sorry that you are going through such an emotional rollercoaster with your H... IMHO, it is time that you try taking the focus off of your H and what he thinks and does. Try focusing more on JV... On making you the best person you can be. I know that I continue to struggle with this on a daily basis, but I do believe that what is most important is for you to love and respect yourself.
I tend to do alot of reading of different self-help books these days and I wanted to share with you a quote that I had written down from one of the books: "Individuals who constantly hover over their partners, drawing their complete reason for existence from that one person, actually handicap the relationship"... I do not necessarily see you in that extreme; however, I do notice that your mood can be very dependent on your H's mood. He does appear to be a rather "moody" person, so that in itself must be very hard for you.
I agree with you 100% about what you shared with your H as far as making yourself happy. No one should be expected to carry another person emotionally. It is just not right to lay the total load of making someone else happy. Perhaps that is part of your H's problem (You really can't love another until you can love yourself)... It is obvious from your posts that your H is feeling rather down on himself lately. If he is not feeling good about himself, dealing with another persons needs will most likely add to his own fear and anxiety.
I know that in my marriage I found myself so consumed with my H, that I forgot what I loved to do. Sometimes I see that in you, especially in recent posts. Do you ever see yourself preoccupied with your H? If yes, what could you do to change your behavior? Ideally, what would YOU like to be doing with YOUR life? So much of your posts have to do with your H and his life, what about JV? You are SO deserving of kindness and care.
If you really think about it, your H's words and actions are out of your control, so I do not see you having the ability to change him. I have learned from my counselor that accepting what I can not control is the key to feeling less stress and more serenity. The best advice I have received is to take care of myself and make changes within ME! JV... In what parts of your life do you need to take care of yourself and even set some boundaries with your H? Setting boundaries and even being assertive is a great way to take care of yourself emotionally during this difficult time and to let others know (your H), that your needs are important. I strongly believe that we all need to have enough self-esteem or self-love to be able to say: "I DESERVE TO FEEL BETTER AND TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT!"... The key to feeling better about ourselves is deciding that we are a priority!!
It saddens me to read in your posts how cruel your H can be to you with his actions and words. I realize that he is pretty young, but did you ever think that perhaps he is going through an early mid-life crisis? I think that some people wake up one day and realize for the first time in their lives that they aren't going to live forever... They get scared b/c life is passing them by and the only thing they THINK is slowing them down is their spouse (A typical person in MLC tends to think this)... They tend to become tired of feeling responsible and their only escape is to convince themselves to be free... You are NOT the cause of your H's unhappiness, JV! Yes, I am sure that there are things about your marriage that could be improved, and nobody is perfect, but the emotions he is pinning on you have MUCH MUCH more to do with him and the way he is handling things right now... He is feeling SO bad about himself and he is "dumping" it onto you... A mid-life crisis deals with alot of unpredictability of a spouse's moods and reactions and is similar to a rollercoaster ride (up and down)... I am no expert on this whole MLC thing, but I do see alot of these characteristics in your H's personality. I have been wanting to respond to you for some time now, and I sincerely hope that I have not offended you in anyway. I just hope that you will be able to put more of your focus and attention on yourself. Just from reading your posts, I can tell what a good person you are with such a big heart and I strongly believe the most important thing that you can get from this is to be happy with JV. Good luck to you with everything... You are in my thoughts and prayers.... -KIM
