Hey there JV. I just wanted to touch base and say that you're sitch is looking more promising with each post. Mollie brought up some valid comments but I guess you'd already thought of most of them
Your DBing is going very well and you're keeping your PMA up. Not always easy but you're doing it!
I'll drop in again later to see what's up. Take care!
mollie, I figured that's what might have happened! Getting confused, or as H puts it "a brain fart" LOL! I have a lot of those myself . I hope you're having a great day as well.
Scottisheart, thanks again for dropping in . Things ARE looking better than they have in awhile. I know there are still some MAJOR hurdles to deal with though.....taking it day by day.
I'm going to try and catch up on everyone's sitch right now because I don't have time for another "epic" post just this second (sorry, D ). H will be here very soon.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
H walked in right after I posted earlier. He is in one very foul mood today.
I had to take S9 and S5 back to the dentist's this morning to have their cavities filled -- they had 5 each . Now, we have medical insurance for them but not dental. We used to, but I won't get into specific details about that other than it was a $$$ issue with H .
So anyway, I asked H if he minded watching the baby while I took the boys to their appt, and he said that was fine. I told him we'd be gone for about 2 to 3 hours.
When it was time to pay the bill at the end of the appt, the receptionist cut me a deal. Instead of paying around $1500, she only charged us $900 for everything that was done on today's visit and last week's as well . I thought that was GREAT and soooo extremely generous of her to do!
So as I pulled into our driveway, I wasn't looking forward to telling H because I just had a feeling that he was going to be p*ssed about the money spent....and I was right.
After I told him, he blew up and said, "Well that's just f***ing great! I'm not working and there goes a grand just like that!" I said to him, "Would you have rather paid $1500? Because that's how much it would've cost us if the receptionist hadn't cut me a break." H thought for a second then said, "Oh well! Nothing I can do about it. That's just part of life.(SIGH)" H also mentioned that he paid his speeding ticket that he got a few months ago over the phone earlier, so I'm sure that added to his anger.
Then H was storming around the house for about a half hour complaining about (STBX-boss) some more and how he was on hold forever while trying to file for unemployment while the boys and I were gone. He was also upset because he said he wanted to do some things around the house but couldn't since the baby was being clingy (hmm...where have I heard that before? ). Now that I was home, H said he was going to call about unemployment again, but I told him he could go online and file so he wouldn't have to wait on the phone "forever" (anything over 5 minutes, if that, is forever to H). So he did that instead and asked me to sit beside him in case he needed help.
When he was finished, H said, "So if I do this thing with the $5K for poker, what do you expect of me?" I told H, "I don't expect anything of you. I would just like to think of this being like a 9 to 5 kind of job where you work 5 days a week. And I don't mean it should be from 9 to 5 -- I know you'd prefer to play in the evening since that's the best time." I think H was actually amazed with what I said. He looked at me and said alright.
After that, he went to take a shower then left to get some quick errands done, I made my very brief post here and was only able to check a couple threads while stopping here and there for the kids, then he came back.
I was emptying the dishwasher then H said, "I'm going to play cards tonight. Alright?" I was mad since he told me yesterday that he would not go tonight, but I bit my tongue and said, "Uh huh." Then H said, "What? You don't have anything to say? Just 'uh huh'?" I HATED his smart-a** tone, and I felt like screaming at him -- I really did . I told him, "I do, but I won't." H said to just say it, so I said, "Well...you told me that you weren't going anywhere tonight. You said you were going to stay home." H said, "Whelp...I changed my mind." It's that tone again , and I said, "Yep. That's why I didn't want to say anything because it didn't matter." H said, "I'll be back by 9pm though so we can watch the other movie I rented, ok?" I said yeah.
When I was done with the dishes, I walked into the living room (H was playing with the baby in there) and asked him, "So was yesterday the beginning of the poker playing thing?" H looked at me like he was irritated and said, "Yeah, I guess....I'm down $160 to start then." I told him ok because I was just wondering.
I picked up the baby to change him then H came and sat by us and said, "I can already see what's happening." We were quiet for a moment then I said, "Tell me what's happening, H." H started talking about all the feelings he's trying to deal with -- he wants to drink then he doesn't, he wants to be with me then he doesn't, he wants to sell the house then he doesn't, just all the same demons again....(sigh).... I know, they've never gone away.
Then H said to me, "How do you feel about me, JV? I mean how do you really feel about me? When I hug you and hold you or kiss you, don't you feel the coldness in it?"
....trying to swallow yet another lump there. I took that as H telling me there was nothing in those embraces for him. That all he is continuing to do IS keep his mouth shut about his unhappiness with me.
I had absolutely no expression on my face but the tears started flowing. I said to him, "You know....If you're not happy here, then you should leave. I can't keep going back and forth with you on this." H said, "What do you mean?" I told him, "I don't want to do this anymore. I don't understand why when you're away, you call here telling me you love me, you miss me, you want to be together, you want to spend the rest of your life making me happy, you want this M to work. Then you come back, and you have all your doubts about everything all over again. You tell me it's not me, that it's just you.....I think when you're here, you're just reminded of everything you DIDN'T want. To you, all the negative stuff, and you're dwelling on it." H said, "I'm not dwelling on anything." I said, "Maybe not, but it seems to be all you ever focus on, and it's got you stuck in a horrible place.....I don't want to keep going on like this, H." H said, "So what's the solution then?" I told him, "I don't know...but this definitely isn't it."
Then H started saying how he wished he never started this convo in the first place. I told him no that it needed to be brought into the open (by H, of course). He came and sat next to me and gave me a hug -- what am I supposed to feel now, H?! Am I supposed to feel that THIS hug is warm and genuine when the others had a chilliness that I couldn't detect 90% of the time?! I guess I felt cold to him because it felt like he was really trying with this one, but only for a sec.
Then he told me that he still wanted to make me happy, and I told him, "You don't need me to make you happy, and I don't need you to make me happy. You need YOU to make YOURSELF happy, and the same goes for me." H cut me off with, "What are you talking about?! Of course we need to make each other happy!" I said, "No. We have to be happy with ourselves FIRST, THEN we can be happy together." H asked what I was unhappy about with myself, and I told him, "Well....I'm not happy that I have an extra 20 pounds on me that won't go away....I'm not happy that I sometimes am very short with the boys, it's not their fault and I know it....and I'm not happy that I caused my H to stray." H said, "You didn't cause it." I told H, "I also hate feeling like I ruined you life." He said, "You didn't ruin my life -- I ruined my life."
I told H, "Well, you've made me feel that way with many of the things you've told me time and time again. I forgave you for what you did, but why can't you forgive me for my mistakes?" H said, "I don't need to forgive you for anything. You didn't do anything wrong. It was me -- I ruined my life.....What's the next step here, JV? What do you think we should do?" I said, "I don't know, but if there was one good thing that we could do, then I think -- " H interrupted and said, "Counseling." I said, "Yes, but I know you don't want to, but I think I should at least go. I feel like I really need it."
Then H said, "You know....I felt everything was alright with us....right up until you got pregnant with him (baby)." I said, "I kind of knew that." H said, "If you knew I felt that way, then why....why did you go with it?" I said, "I listened to what you had to say then, and I understood what you felt, I really did.....but I just couldn't bring myself to do that again....It was the worst thing I've ever had to go through, and I did not want to experience that all over again."
When S9 was a year old, I had become pregnant again. We were just starting out on our own together and money was tight. We just could not afford to have another baby, and there was no way I could see myself carrying it to term and giving it up for adoption. No way. So we went the other route. I went in feeling alright because I knew it was the right decision for us, but during the procedure and during the recovery period, I felt so unbelievably horrible. It was something I never wanted to feel ever again.
H was back to his a**holish tone and said, "Well, maybe because I'm a man, I'll never understand it. Maybe because I'm a man, I'm insensitive, but I just didn't understand why you wanted another one." I looked at him and said, "YOU were talking about having a 3rd child long before I ever did, H." He didn't say anything for a moment then he said, "You know I love (baby) regardless though, right?" I said yes, I knew that. Then he went into the garage for awhile.
H came back in after about 5 minutes, my PMA was gone for the day , and H said, "I'm going. I'll be back at 9pm......Aren't you going to wish me luck?" I said good luck then H said "hmm" and left.
(Sigh).....what to do, what to do.
How am I ever supposed to feel close to him again? How do I know if the rest of his hugs and/or kisses are from the heart? How am I supposed to feel about him the next time he wants to be intimate? How do I know that he isn't just trying to MAKE himself feel a certain way for me? How do I know if this will ever work for US and not just me?
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
JV....sorry you had to go through another episode like that. I am sorry but your husband sounds like he can be selfish jerk. He has the gall to complain about 900.00 on his childrens dental health. But yet then asks about the 5,000 he is going to blow gambling!
Then he has the gall to tell you should have aborted your baby. How can he even think like that.
JV think back you askled him for a compromise with the gambling. He is back yet again and blowing that compromise right out the window and on top of it is drinking. You need to stand up for yourself more JV. It appears like you allow him to walk all over you when you don't state your real feelings to him. Why don't you lay it on the line what you need in him. But also ask him what he needs from you to be happy.
I don't know JV. He sounds so troubled and just plain selfish. How do you even work on something he keeps telling you he don't want. But then on the other hand he confuses the heck out of you because when he is gone he tells you otherwise.
Sheesh I can see why you are so confused.
Why don't you try to take a vacation from him and give him something to think about. Like could you take the boysand just go away for a week?? Hmmmm I am just trying to think if there was some way you could give him a wake up call about what he will be missing.
Hi, cally. I hear what you're saying, and it does really make me angry that he doesn't get upset about using $5K for poker but throws a fit about $900 for the boys' teeth.
I honestly feel like telling him to get out. I don't know how to handle all this anymore.
H called during my last post and said once again that he would be here at 9pm. It's after 10:30pm now, and he's still not here. Why tell me that and then he hasn't even bothered to call me to let me know otherwise?
He also said in that call that he was sorry for putting all his thoughts and feelings on me, and he knows he's not so "eloquent" with the way he words himself, but he doesn't know what else to do. He doesn't want to keep it all bottled up inside. He wants to tell me these things and he feels bad about it.
I told him that's what I'm here for -- to listen when he needs me to. H said, "Oh. I thought you were there for me to love you and to make you happy."
Anyway, H said "ILY" at the end of the call, but it just sounded so empty -- from both of us .
Thanks for listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
J- I may be crazy but I still hear your H almost begging to hear you say that you love him. He can't believe you still do, after everything, but I think he needs to hear it.
Also - how can you tell whether his phone is off or he's just in an area with no coverage? With our phones, it's the same - and there are a lot of "holes" in the reception here.
I have been following your thread for a while now, but this is the first time that I have responded... I am sorry that you are going through such an emotional rollercoaster with your H... IMHO, it is time that you try taking the focus off of your H and what he thinks and does. Try focusing more on JV... On making you the best person you can be. I know that I continue to struggle with this on a daily basis, but I do believe that what is most important is for you to love and respect yourself.
I tend to do alot of reading of different self-help books these days and I wanted to share with you a quote that I had written down from one of the books: "Individuals who constantly hover over their partners, drawing their complete reason for existence from that one person, actually handicap the relationship"... I do not necessarily see you in that extreme; however, I do notice that your mood can be very dependent on your H's mood. He does appear to be a rather "moody" person, so that in itself must be very hard for you.
I agree with you 100% about what you shared with your H as far as making yourself happy. No one should be expected to carry another person emotionally. It is just not right to lay the total load of making someone else happy. Perhaps that is part of your H's problem (You really can't love another until you can love yourself)... It is obvious from your posts that your H is feeling rather down on himself lately. If he is not feeling good about himself, dealing with another persons needs will most likely add to his own fear and anxiety.
I know that in my marriage I found myself so consumed with my H, that I forgot what I loved to do. Sometimes I see that in you, especially in recent posts. Do you ever see yourself preoccupied with your H? If yes, what could you do to change your behavior? Ideally, what would YOU like to be doing with YOUR life? So much of your posts have to do with your H and his life, what about JV? You are SO deserving of kindness and care.
If you really think about it, your H's words and actions are out of your control, so I do not see you having the ability to change him. I have learned from my counselor that accepting what I can not control is the key to feeling less stress and more serenity. The best advice I have received is to take care of myself and make changes within ME! JV... In what parts of your life do you need to take care of yourself and even set some boundaries with your H? Setting boundaries and even being assertive is a great way to take care of yourself emotionally during this difficult time and to let others know (your H), that your needs are important. I strongly believe that we all need to have enough self-esteem or self-love to be able to say: "I DESERVE TO FEEL BETTER AND TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT!"... The key to feeling better about ourselves is deciding that we are a priority!!
It saddens me to read in your posts how cruel your H can be to you with his actions and words. I realize that he is pretty young, but did you ever think that perhaps he is going through an early mid-life crisis? I think that some people wake up one day and realize for the first time in their lives that they aren't going to live forever... They get scared b/c life is passing them by and the only thing they THINK is slowing them down is their spouse (A typical person in MLC tends to think this)... They tend to become tired of feeling responsible and their only escape is to convince themselves to be free... You are NOT the cause of your H's unhappiness, JV! Yes, I am sure that there are things about your marriage that could be improved, and nobody is perfect, but the emotions he is pinning on you have MUCH MUCH more to do with him and the way he is handling things right now... He is feeling SO bad about himself and he is "dumping" it onto you... A mid-life crisis deals with alot of unpredictability of a spouse's moods and reactions and is similar to a rollercoaster ride (up and down)... I am no expert on this whole MLC thing, but I do see alot of these characteristics in your H's personality. I have been wanting to respond to you for some time now, and I sincerely hope that I have not offended you in anyway. I just hope that you will be able to put more of your focus and attention on yourself. Just from reading your posts, I can tell what a good person you are with such a big heart and I strongly believe the most important thing that you can get from this is to be happy with JV. Good luck to you with everything... You are in my thoughts and prayers.... -KIM
Hi there, everyone.
LOL! I have a lot of those myself 
. I hope you're having a great day as well.
. Now, we have medical insurance for them but not dental. We used to, but I won't get into specific details about that other than it was a $$$ issue with H 
. I thought that was GREAT and soooo extremely generous of her to do!
....trying to swallow yet another lump there. I took that as H telling me there was nothing in those embraces for him. That all he is continuing to do IS keep his mouth shut about his unhappiness with me.