Trying to find our way to happiness II

[ValerieA]

LOL!!! Eerie, isn't it?

Journaling:

H walked in right after I posted earlier. He is in one very foul mood today.

I had to take S9 and S5 back to the dentist's this morning to have their cavities filled -- they had 5 each . Now, we have medical insurance for them but not dental. We used to, but I won't get into specific details about that other than it was a $$$ issue with H .

So anyway, I asked H if he minded watching the baby while I took the boys to their appt, and he said that was fine. I told him we'd be gone for about 2 to 3 hours.

When it was time to pay the bill at the end of the appt, the receptionist cut me a deal. Instead of paying around $1500, she only charged us $900 for everything that was done on today's visit and last week's as well . I thought that was GREAT and soooo extremely generous of her to do!

So as I pulled into our driveway, I wasn't looking forward to telling H because I just had a feeling that he was going to be p*ssed about the money spent....and I was right.

After I told him, he blew up and said, "Well that's just f***ing great! I'm not working and there goes a grand just like that!" I said to him, "Would you have rather paid $1500? Because that's how much it would've cost us if the receptionist hadn't cut me a break." H thought for a second then said, "Oh well! Nothing I can do about it. That's just part of life.(SIGH)" H also mentioned that he paid his speeding ticket that he got a few months ago over the phone earlier, so I'm sure that added to his anger.

Then H was storming around the house for about a half hour complaining about (STBX-boss) some more and how he was on hold forever while trying to file for unemployment while the boys and I were gone. He was also upset because he said he wanted to do some things around the house but couldn't since the baby was being clingy (hmm...where have I heard that before? ). Now that I was home, H said he was going to call about unemployment again, but I told him he could go online and file so he wouldn't have to wait on the phone "forever" (anything over 5 minutes, if that, is forever to H). So he did that instead and asked me to sit beside him in case he needed help.

When he was finished, H said, "So if I do this thing with the $5K for poker, what do you expect of me?" I told H, "I don't expect anything of you. I would just like to think of this being like a 9 to 5 kind of job where you work 5 days a week. And I don't mean it should be from 9 to 5 -- I know you'd prefer to play in the evening since that's the best time." I think H was actually amazed with what I said. He looked at me and said alright.

After that, he went to take a shower then left to get some quick errands done, I made my very brief post here and was only able to check a couple threads while stopping here and there for the kids, then he came back.

I was emptying the dishwasher then H said, "I'm going to play cards tonight. Alright?" I was mad since he told me yesterday that he would not go tonight, but I bit my tongue and said, "Uh huh." Then H said, "What? You don't have anything to say? Just 'uh huh'?" I HATED his smart-a** tone, and I felt like screaming at him -- I really did . I told him, "I do, but I won't." H said to just say it, so I said, "Well...you told me that you weren't going anywhere tonight. You said you were going to stay home." H said, "Whelp...I changed my mind." It's that tone again , and I said, "Yep. That's why I didn't want to say anything because it didn't matter." H said, "I'll be back by 9pm though so we can watch the other movie I rented, ok?" I said yeah.

When I was done with the dishes, I walked into the living room (H was playing with the baby in there) and asked him, "So was yesterday the beginning of the poker playing thing?" H looked at me like he was irritated and said, "Yeah, I guess....I'm down $160 to start then." I told him ok because I was just wondering.

I picked up the baby to change him then H came and sat by us and said, "I can already see what's happening." We were quiet for a moment then I said, "Tell me what's happening, H." H started talking about all the feelings he's trying to deal with -- he wants to drink then he doesn't, he wants to be with me then he doesn't, he wants to sell the house then he doesn't, just all the same demons again....(sigh).... I know, they've never gone away.

Then H said to me, "How do you feel about me, JV? I mean how do you really feel about me? When I hug you and hold you or kiss you, don't you feel the coldness in it?"

....trying to swallow yet another lump there. I took that as H telling me there was nothing in those embraces for him. That all he is continuing to do IS keep his mouth shut about his unhappiness with me.

I had absolutely no expression on my face but the tears started flowing. I said to him, "You know....If you're not happy here, then you should leave. I can't keep going back and forth with you on this." H said, "What do you mean?" I told him, "I don't want to do this anymore. I don't understand why when you're away, you call here telling me you love me, you miss me, you want to be together, you want to spend the rest of your life making me happy, you want this M to work. Then you come back, and you have all your doubts about everything all over again. You tell me it's not me, that it's just you.....I think when you're here, you're just reminded of everything you DIDN'T want. To you, all the negative stuff, and you're dwelling on it." H said, "I'm not dwelling on anything." I said, "Maybe not, but it seems to be all you ever focus on, and it's got you stuck in a horrible place.....I don't want to keep going on like this, H." H said, "So what's the solution then?" I told him, "I don't know...but this definitely isn't it."

Then H started saying how he wished he never started this convo in the first place. I told him no that it needed to be brought into the open (by H, of course). He came and sat next to me and gave me a hug -- what am I supposed to feel now, H?! Am I supposed to feel that THIS hug is warm and genuine when the others had a chilliness that I couldn't detect 90% of the time?! I guess I felt cold to him because it felt like he was really trying with this one, but only for a sec.

Then he told me that he still wanted to make me happy, and I told him, "You don't need me to make you happy, and I don't need you to make me happy. You need YOU to make YOURSELF happy, and the same goes for me." H cut me off with, "What are you talking about?! Of course we need to make each other happy!" I said, "No. We have to be happy with ourselves FIRST, THEN we can be happy together." H asked what I was unhappy about with myself, and I told him, "Well....I'm not happy that I have an extra 20 pounds on me that won't go away....I'm not happy that I sometimes am very short with the boys, it's not their fault and I know it....and I'm not happy that I caused my H to stray." H said, "You didn't cause it." I told H, "I also hate feeling like I ruined you life." He said, "You didn't ruin my life -- I ruined my life."

I told H, "Well, you've made me feel that way with many of the things you've told me time and time again. I forgave you for what you did, but why can't you forgive me for my mistakes?" H said, "I don't need to forgive you for anything. You didn't do anything wrong. It was me -- I ruined my life.....What's the next step here, JV? What do you think we should do?" I said, "I don't know, but if there was one good thing that we could do, then I think -- " H interrupted and said, "Counseling." I said, "Yes, but I know you don't want to, but I think I should at least go. I feel like I really need it."

Then H said, "You know....I felt everything was alright with us....right up until you got pregnant with him (baby)." I said, "I kind of knew that." H said, "If you knew I felt that way, then why....why did you go with it?" I said, "I listened to what you had to say then, and I understood what you felt, I really did.....but I just couldn't bring myself to do that again....It was the worst thing I've ever had to go through, and I did not want to experience that all over again."

When S9 was a year old, I had become pregnant again. We were just starting out on our own together and money was tight. We just could not afford to have another baby, and there was no way I could see myself carrying it to term and giving it up for adoption. No way. So we went the other route. I went in feeling alright because I knew it was the right decision for us, but during the procedure and during the recovery period, I felt so unbelievably horrible. It was something I never wanted to feel ever again.

H was back to his a**holish tone and said, "Well, maybe because I'm a man, I'll never understand it. Maybe because I'm a man, I'm insensitive, but I just didn't understand why you wanted another one." I looked at him and said, "YOU were talking about having a 3rd child long before I ever did, H." He didn't say anything for a moment then he said, "You know I love (baby) regardless though, right?" I said yes, I knew that. Then he went into the garage for awhile.

H came back in after about 5 minutes, my PMA was gone for the day , and H said, "I'm going. I'll be back at 9pm......Aren't you going to wish me luck?" I said good luck then H said "hmm" and left.

(Sigh).....what to do, what to do.

How am I ever supposed to feel close to him again? How do I know if the rest of his hugs and/or kisses are from the heart? How am I supposed to feel about him the next time he wants to be intimate? How do I know that he isn't just trying to MAKE himself feel a certain way for me? How do I know if this will ever work for US and not just me?



JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."