JV-I know how you feel about the drinking. My H was clean and sober when I met him and stayed that way for 10 years. Then a little over a year ago he confessed that he wanted to drink again. He said he wanted to be like everyone else and be able to stop and have a beer with his friends or drink something other than soda when he went out. He said he knew he had a problem with drugs and was not ever interested in starting that up, but he felt he didn't have a problem with alcohol. Well I don't believe that for a minute. I've been through treatment with my first H and I know a lot about alcoholism. I told him I wan't buying it. Well he decided to do it anyway and at first he scared me cuz I had never known him drinking. But then we split up anyway and I was more worried about our M than his drinking. And he was doing a lot of it. He would go out with his buddies all night and them go home (to his house) and a friend would go home with him and pass out on his couch. Sometimes he'd have to go to work the next morning. Since we were apart, I never said anything about it. Even when he got a DUI and couldn't drive for 6 months. He was really angry at himself over that but didn't stop him from drinking. He started using cabs or calling me for a ride or walking. He stopped keeping alcohol in his house. We don't keep it in our house either.
Anyway, I know (and I know you do too) that there is nothing we can say or do to make them quit. We don't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it. It is another one of those things that you must decide if you can put on the unconditional love list.
And don't try to make him go to C either. He isn't going to admit that anything is wrong with him. But by all means you should go. And attend Al-Anon meetings if you can (there are some on-line meetings that are very good).
But this isn't much different than DBing. You have to leave him alone with it and let him figure it out. You have to decide if this is something you can live with. But you cannot try to make him change cuz you know you can't. You have to be able to let him suffer the consequences and not feel sorry for yourself if the consequences sometimes affect you.
The same goes for the gambling. He has a problem here too, it sounds like. If you can live with him this way, then do. If you can't then you can't, but you cannot make him change this either. So, let him be a professional poker player and let him suffer the consequences if it doesn't work out. If he must lose you and your family then that is what has to happen to him. I've never met an alcoholic or gambler that was happy they lost their family because of their addiction. And if this begins to affect you financially then by all means, do what you must do to protect yourself. Make sure you have your own money and never lend it to him. If he wants to play, then he has to pay.
He's trying but it seems like he's still got some pretty big things to work out. You can choose how to deal with it. I don't talk to my H about his drinking. I just continue to tell him to have fun when he goes out and I find something fun for me to do. Sometimes I go out with him but I don't watch over him. I sit with my girlfriends and he hangs with the guys. He complains a lot about how bad he feels the next day--especially if he has to go to work and play golf when he has only had a few hours of sleep. Sometimes he sleeps in the back of his suv if he can't drive home. I figure if he wants to sleep in the back of his car and be cold and uncomfortable instead of sleeping in our warm, comfortable bed, that's his choice. But he complains about that too. So I really think someday he is going to make a different choice and go back to being clean and sober again. I don't know when and I know I can't make it happen any faster, but I think it will someday.
I hope that helps a little, JV
He probably looked down in the dumps this morning cuz he was a little hungover and disappointed that he didn't get that high from winning a poker game.
