I believe H got in just before 2am. I had fallen asleep on the couch while trying to wait up for him. I heard him come in and say, "If I would've known you would still be awake, I would've called to see if you wanted me to stop for anything." I was just so dead tired, I didn't even respond to him. The TV was still on, so I'm guessing he thought I was up. Then I remember that H picked me up and carried me to bed.

When H got into bed, he held me again and whispered, "I'm sorry," and I could smell the alcohol on his breath . I was awake but let H think otherwise, and I had to try my hardest to keep myself from crying.

H left around 7:30am to take care of a service call in Sacramento. He looked very "down in the dumps" this morning.

Is there any way I can go about "waking him up"? I just see H on a very downward spiral. Do I let him hit rock bottom? I really don't want that to happen, but I just don't know how and if he'll ever snap out of it. It feels so wrong to act as if everything is going to be ok when it is so far from it.

I feel like telling H that I cannot live like this. I cannot sit here and watch him try to kill his pain when he's actually killing himself. I want to tell him let's go to C and get help -- we both need it. I want to make the appt and just go even if I end up being the only one who goes, but then I'm afraid he's going to explode and be angry with me for doing that without getting his "ok".

I just feel like H is going down, and in some way, he is taking me with him.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

Valerie

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown

"Piecing is not for the faint of heart." ~ sage