Trying to find our way to happiness II

[ValerieA]

More journaling for today:

Well, after this morning's nice interaction, I thought it was going to be a fine day. It wasn't completely horrible, but it just wasn't too good.

H came home just before 3pm from playing poker. He told me that he played in a money game because he didn't get there in time for the beginning of the tournament. So H was gone for 6 hours and only made $20 .

H was "moody" when he got here, but he took the boys to go see "Madagascar" again since he promised them yesterday that he would. H made a comment that he felt like drinking .

While the boys were putting their shoes on, I looked over at H (he was at the fridge) and saw him putting 2 Mike's Hard Lemonades in his pockets . I was mad because I didn't understand how he could want to drink when taking the boys to the movie, and I felt like I was hurting, too. Hurting for H. It hurts so much to see him this way when he wants to drink.

Well, the kids were nearby but weren't paying any attention to what was going on around them, so:

Me: "What's the matter, H?"
H: " Huh?!"
Me: "What's wrong?"
H: "What do you mean?"
Me: "What's bothering you?"
H: "What? What are you talking about?"
Me: "You only want to (I motioned drinking) when something is bothering you. What is it?"
H: "Nothing...I just wanted to take a couple of Mike's with me. Is that alright?"
Me: "So...you want to do that when you're going to be driving with the kids?"

H looked at them and then put the drinks back in the fridge. He looked a little ticked off, but I didn't care. I wasn't trying to start anything, but my babies are my life. Need I say more?

As they were leaving, H said, "I just wanted a couple drinks. I'm sorry. Don't stress." Now, if the kids weren't right there, I might have gone off on him about the possibility of him drinking and driving with the boys because it really infuriated me, but I kept my mouth shut. He DID put the drinks back, he didn't blow up on me, and he said he was sorry. This was by far the hardest incident to let roll.

Anyway, they got back 2 hours later just when dinner was ready. We ate then the boys were off to play with the baby trying to follow behind . H mentioned he wanted to go play cards again tonight and asked if I was ok with that. Of course, I'd prefer he stay home with us, but he's been quite the "family man" these past days, so I told him if that's what he wanted then I was fine with it.

H asked where all his jeans were, and I told him they were in the washer, so he put them into the dryer and folded the load that was already dry for me . While folding, H said, "I want to ask you something, and I'm not trying to start anything. I just want to know this, and I want you to be honest with me, ok?" I said ok then H asked, "I was just wondering if the only reason you're still with me is because we have kids. I mean....you see what kind of a great life you could have with someone else. Someone who didn't do what I did to you. I think about all the s**t that's been said and done in this M.....and I just wonder why you're still here. I just wonder if you're afraid of starting over by yourself or with someone new."

I told H, "I'm not with you just because of the kids. I'm with you because ILY, and because I just couldn't see throwing everything away. In fact, since you want me to be honest with you, I feel like you're still here because of them." H said, "No. Not even." Then he came up to me and started hugging me and said, "There's so much more in it for me....I know at first I never wanted kids....I never thought I'd get married....I know it's all irrelevant now....(sigh)....I don't know. I guess I just felt like I had too much responsibility on my shoulders....but I just gotta stop being such a b**** about everything now." The convo ended there because the phone rang.

Just before H left to play poker, he opened his gift from SIL. She gave him a photo album with some pics in it of H and her growing up, and there were also some of the boys when they were born and getting older. Well, there were some of them with H when he was overweight. His facial expression just got gloomier and gloomier with each one, and he kept making horribly negative remarks about them, about himself . I was in the living room at this time, but I was watching H. After a short while, he came to me and gave me a hug goodbye and asked me to wish him luck. I did then he left. I looked at the album, and I could only imagine how H must have felt looking at all those pics. Just reminders of the grandparents that always put him down, how overweight he was, and the 3 kids he never thought he'd have. There was one photo of me holding the baby after he was born. I'm sure that added to his "moodiness" as well.

I almost forgot -- H also talked more about playing poker for a living. He talked about it and asked what my thoughts were. I told him if that's what he wanted then I was ok with it as long as it didn't interfere with his time for family. H said, "That's why I would play during the night." I started thinking and said, "Well, I don't know how I'd feel about you working every night." H said, "Ok. You don't have to say anymore. You already gave me your answer." Then he walked away (???). I didn't mean to upset him if that's what I did. He didn't give me a chance to explain myself any further. I wanted to follow him to do that, but I ASSumed H walking away from the convo was his way of putting a stop to it -- like I do sometimes , so I left him alone.

H was talking to me about something he wants to do, but I guess I wasn't being very supportive of it or him. I just can't see how being out almost every night playing cards is any different than traveling for work. Yes, H would be home everyday, but he would sleep during the day.

(Sigh).....I just don't know.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."