Trying to find our way to happiness II

[ValerieA]

Hi all.

Thanks, Slowly, cally, and Scottisheart! Thank you for your support and encouragement.

Slowly, I felt that lump in my throat just now, too, when looking back through my posts. I often go back through them to look for "clues" as to what I need to do. For H, for the R, and for me.

I will not give up DBing !

cally, I don't believe I want to ask H what it was that he got from OW. I think that could just do more damage to H (and our R) since he has made it perfectly clear to me that he wants me to trust him. If I bring up any issues that involve OW, all it's going to do is heighten the pain.

Besides, back when the bomb first dropped, I did ask H what was it about OW for him. He told me OW was just someone to talk to. I thought to myself, "Why couldn't you just talk to me?! Your W?!"

In rereading my posts and thinking back in our R pre-bomb, I think I've nailed it:

Ok...We all know just how very miserable H has been with this current job. He's been this way for the past 2 years -- he's had it for 3.

Throughout these past 2 years, H has come home (or called home) literally EVERYDAY to complain, gripe, and groan about it. He has vented TO ME everytime.

I would listen, and listen, and listen, and listen, and.......you get the picture. About 10 months ago, right before the baby was born, I told H, "Look. I know you're stressed out about your job, but if you're not going to do anything about it to make it better for you, then I don't want to hear about it anymore! I am sick and tired of you b****ing and moaning about it to me everyday! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!"......I was tired, angry, and just plain fed up with it.

When H often came looking for comfort from me ("Is everything going to be alright, JV?" or "Please tell me we're going to be ok.") which he did a LOT, I got tired of that, too. I had said to him, "H, I can't tell you that all the time because I don't even know myself. I just don't know!"

So....he stopped. He would still vent from time to time, but it was happening less and less. He had become distant, and we were rarely talking with each other. And ah hah! -- this was about the time the EA started. He found someone else who listened to him when all along, it should have been ME. OW probably comforted him, too, but again, it should have still been ME.

So....what have I learned from this?

I have learned and accepted that H needs to vent about....umm, anything....that is on his mind. He also needs to be reassured that everything is going to be fine when he is doubting it.

This is who H is. I knew it back then, but I had forgotten it, and I was tired of feeling like his "dumping ground".

I think I have also made another discovery regarding how H feels nothing he has or does is ever good enough:

When H acquires something new whether it's a different car or talking about other job opportunities, he is always very enthused about it. I am happy to see H so thrilled, but I don't show the same intense enthusiasm as H does. We can be equally happy IMO, but since I don't express a childlike happiness about things, H has said on the past, "You don't like it, do you?" I always tell H no, I do. I always smile and say something like, "That's cool!"

I'm thinking that because I don't jump for joy when H feels I should like he does, then perhaps this brings about his feelings that nothing he does is ever good enough.

I'm thinking I need to step up with more enthusiasm when H has something to share that he is thrilled about..... That is going to be tough because although I AM happy and share in his joy about most things ( ), I'm just not as intense about it as he is. That's not how I am.

(Sigh)....No doubt this is HARD work .

BTW, I do plan on wearing H's favorite nightie tonight ! It's nothing provocative, just really soft and feminine .

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."