Alright now. H's last phone call from yesterday.....
H asked where I had been when he called the previous times, and I told him (errands for bills, groceries, etc). I also told him that I wanted to call him back after getting his messages, but I figured he would call me again when he was free. H seemed alright with that, and he told me that he should be home in the next couple of days.
There was silence for a moment so I asked H if he was ok, and he said not really. Then he said, ".....I called my dad today." I was very shocked to say the least! The last time he spoke to him was after we got married 8 years ago, and it was 11 years before that.
I said, "You did?!" H said, "Yeah....I just wanted to say Happy Father's Day to him even though it was a day late and ask him how he's been.....What I really wanted to ask him was how did it feel to throw your whole life away.....It was a mistake, and I wish I never called him.....Calling him was a f***ing mistake......I called information and got his number, and I just sat here in the car driving around staring at it. Just staring at it and trying to decide if I should call him. So I did.....I said "Is XXXXX there?" He said, "Yeah, this is him." I said, "Hi. This is your son (H)." He said, "Hi." Then I said, "....I know it's a day late, but I wanted to say Happy Father's Day." He said, "Thanks." Then I told him that's all I wanted to say and goodbye. He said goodbye, too, and that was it."
H was quiet for a second, but then he started bawling . H said, "I wanted to ask him so bad how did it feel when he threw his life away. When he walked out on his family, his kids, his wife. I wanted to ask him all that, and I was hoping he would say something like it was the worst mistake of his life. I wanted to talk to him about what's happening so I could hear him say "Don't f*** your life up like I did!!!", but he sounded like he just didn't give a s**t that I called! Like we talk everyday and I was bothering him!.....F***! I wish I didn't call his f***ing loser a**!"
I started crying a bit with H and told him I was so sorry. Then H said, "I'm sorry, JV. I'm sorry I'm such a f***ed-up loser." I told H that he is NOT a loser! He started repeating many of the things he said in his last message to me on the phone. H also added that I'm such a "queen", and he wants to treat me like a "princess" everyday because I deserve it.
H started talking again about how he wants me to be proud of him and proud that he is my H. I told H, "I AM proud of you, H. I always have been. You've given me so much more that I could ever dream of having. You've never let me down before. Ever." H said, "I appreciate you saying that, I really do, but this is about ME. I don't feel very proud of myself. I don't feel like I can do enough to make this up to you or to myself. I feel like such a loser."
I told H again that he is not a loser and I also told him that I thought it was very courageous of him to call his father. I told H I really admired him for doing that because I don't think I would have been able to call my biological father like he did. I wouldn't have had the slightest clue what to say to him. H said, "It was hard, believe me. It was so f***ing hard, and I wish I didn't do it. It was such a waste of time."
H said (crying more), "No matter what, JV, please know that ILY. You have to know that. I've said and done so much awful, hurtful s**t to you, and I am disgusted with myself for doing that. I can't believe the things I've said to you. I am so f***ing sorry. I do not feel that way at all! ILY so much, and I just want everything to be better like it used to be. You've always been there for me. Always. Always by my side and believing in me. Never giving up on me. You are so amazing, JV, and you and the boys mean everything to me. I am so sorry."
At this point in the convo, the baby was fussing so H said he'd talk to me later and he couldn't wait to come home to us, to me. H just wants to hold me when he gets here. He said he'd call me tomorrow and "ILY". I told him I loved him, too.
...(Sigh)... A very emotional and painful evening yesterday.
I had planned on talking to H about C for me when I talked to him last night, but, well....it just wasn't the right time I thought. The convo was about H, not me.
I wish that just once I could talk to H's father and say, "Your son needs something from you, and he was trying to reach out to you. It's been almost 20 years, he's called you twice, and both times you shut him out. What the he** is wrong with you?!"
I also wish I could say something to H's maternal grandparents like, "Why were you so g**damn mean and nasty to him all the time? Why was everything he did never good enough for you? Why did you have to always criticize him? What was your problem with him?!"
Oh, how I wish, I wish, I wish.
Thanks for listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
. H said, "I wanted to ask him so bad how did it feel when he threw his life away. When he walked out on his family, his kids, his wife. I wanted to ask him all that, and I was hoping he would say something like it was the worst mistake of his life. I wanted to talk to him about what's happening so I could hear him say "Don't f*** your life up like I did!!!", but he sounded like he just didn't give a s**t that I called! Like we talk everyday and I was bothering him!.....F***! I wish I didn't call his f***ing loser a**!"
