H called and left 2 messages yesterday (I was in and out here and there). His first message was to tell us that he couldn't wait to see us and he loves us. H sounded a teeny-tiny bit weepy.
H's second message was VERY emotional and long. H said he wanted to tell me he thought I was a great mom, appreciates me raising the boys, he loves them just as much as I do, but he knows I do all the work with them, and I'm such a great mom and wife. He is sorry for taking me for granted, wished he was telling me all this in person. He said he can't help feeling that he sounds like a robot, he wasn't feeling good about anything and especially himself. He wanted to let me know that he was thinking of us, that he was actually thinking of me.
With everything that has happened and will happen, he wants me to know that he thinks the world of me. He thinks I am a sweet, beautiful girl who may have ended up marrying the wrong man, but he wants to do a better job of being a better H and father.
He can't help like feeling that everything bad that could happen keeps happening. He wishes he could redo everything and go back to "ok" times. He wants to feel that way with me again. He wants to feel fine, he wants me to feel fine, and he doesn't want me to feel any badness at all.
H wants to feel proud as a man, a H, and a father. He wants me to be able to walk around with my head held up high and be proud of him. He doesn't want me to feel like I'm with a "tweaked-out panic freak", someone I can't trust. He doesn't want to be that, he wants me to be able to trust him.
He said his thoughts are constantly all over the place, and he wished he had his arms around me. H started crying and said, "ILY, and I wish I could redo things, ok? That's all I wanted to tell you. ILY. Tell the boys I love them, too."
I don't think I need to tell you that I cried during all of that.
There is much more (no surprise) because H called again shortly after we got home, and it involves a phone call that H made to HIS FATHER . H hasn't spoken to him in 8 years.
I have the baby's 9 month check-up to go to now. I'll be back later.
Thanks for listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
?
. H hasn't spoken to him in 8 years.
