Trying to find our way to happiness II

[ValerieA]

Hello there, cally.

... you are seeking out counseling. I think it will help you a lot.

I believe so, too. I've been trying to deal with all these emotions and thoughts on my own, and although the BB has been positively WONDERFUL , I do feel that I need more, and I hope that H will be very understanding about this (crossing my fingers ).

It sucks you have to ask him for the money... Or another possibility could be maybe if you got a part time job for awhile and you wouldn't have to ask him. But I know that can be hard with a baby and a husband that is away so much.

The money sitch can be tough. There's more than plenty, but asking H for it sometimes can be like pulling teeth .

I wouldn't mind getting a part-time job, but yes, it's really hard with the baby and H frequently away. Plus, what would I be working for? To barely pay the childcare costs of 3 kids ?

H and I have talked about this before, and we both agree that it would be best to wait until the baby is 2 or 3 years old before I look for something. Both S9 and S5 will be in school full-time, and the baby will (obviously) be talking by then and communicating better (a MUST for H and me -- in case something negative ever occurred with the childcare provider).

But I did notice you mentioning he can find a career woman if that is what he wants.

I don't think I meant he can go and find one. I was being a bit sarcastic and well, yeah, a little "snotty" . When I wrote that, it was at that moment when I felt like maybe I wasn't what H wanted. Maybe he wanted or had hopes to be with someone who was very career-oriented. I was trying to express my feelings that maybe H would like a mate that was very into working and not having a family. Not wanting to be a SAHM.

I feel that H wants less "burden" on him financially and maybe even emotionally. I think he would appreciate me being more independent by earning some income and even helping out, and maybe if I was out in the "adult" world working again, I could develop new friendships and have more invitations to get out and do something. I think H feels somewhat guilty at times about me being at home all the time. I don't know -- just a guess.

Does he resent that you are a SAHM? Would he be prepared if he is resentful of this to stay at home and watch the kid's while you work?

I think he might, but I really don't know.

H would love to be home with the boys while I worked ! In the past (before DR) when I would complain about H's job taking him away from us so much, H used to say, "Anytime you're ready to support us, just let me know. I'll be GLAD to stay home with the kids!"....Hmmm, I don't know about that . Just kidding! LOL!

This brings me to my 6th goal about going back to school to prepare myself for something big -- with or without H. I'm thinking something in forensic science. I don't know why , but I'm drawn to it, and I find it very fascinating. H knows this and has always said I should do it. I don't know if I could handle any squeamish stuff though.

Also I would just think back to how he was about his phone during the A. Does it bring about these feelings in you because he wouldn't answer the phone then? Was he easily aggitated with you like he has been the past couple of times? One thing I have noticed is that a lot of people are very defensive when guilty and not wanting to get caught. Just be prepared. But also realize you could be wrong.

I do tend to get anxious and insecure when H doesn't answer his cell like I THINK he should, but I'm beginning to tell myself, "Look, JV. He is out working in AZ (or wherever). He is busy. He is away from his phone because he IS WORKING. Let it go. Just let it go, and H will call back when he is able to THINK of doing so."

I am choosing to think this way because it is healthier, and it is right. (And of course, I'll be coming here to vent when I think otherwise !)

If I continue to doubt H too much, he will feel it in our interactions with each other, and that is definitely something I want to avoid.

Another positive is you do have your parents to go to now. I bet it felt great to be able to vent and get some of the heavy burden off your heart.

Yes, it was such a great relief. I don't particularly like putting all that on my mom, but as she said, she was very glad that I told her. She wanted me to know that I could talk to her about anything and she would always support me.

If your children opened up it shows that this is also hurting them and they may be picking up on all the fighting.

When we talked yesterday, she said the boys told them this a couple months ago. So most likely after H had that talk with them, but they haven't said anything else about anything since then.

I did sit down and talk with them last night for awhile. I gently brought up their mentioning of the sitch to their grandparents. S9 said he was sad one day so they asked him why, and he told them about Dad's talk with him and S5. I asked him if he was still sad, and he said, "Nope, not anymore because Dad said he's not going anywhere." (???!!!)

Alright, I have to get the kids' bath ready and get them into bed. They have their dentist appt in the EARLY morning .

I have more to post about today, but I'll do it later.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."