Trying to find our way to happiness II

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

H called last night around 2am. He woke up since he had fallen asleep around 7pm. H said he was sorry for calling so late but he was thinking of us and wanted to let me know. He also apologized again for his outburst over the phone with me yesterday afternoon. H asked if I hated him, and I said no, of course not. I know we talked for several minutes, but since I was half asleep, I can't remember the whole convo . Before we hung up, H said Happy Father's Day to me (???). I said, "Happy Father's Day to YOU. You're Dad, not me!" H just said "yeah" then "ILY" before we hung up.

I went to pick up S5 from my parents this morning (it was his weekend to be with them) then we came home. I had S9 and S5 call H to wish him a Happy Father's Day, and luckily he answered. They talked for awhile then hung up. I didn't speak with H that time. I didn't ask for the phone, and apparently H didn't ask for me.

BTW, I didn't get anything for H per his request. H's birthday is this coming Saturday, and he said not to get him anything for it either -- nothing from me OR from the kids. Not even a card. H said he doesn't want anything because he doesn't feel he deserves it. The boys usually like making a card for him, but he didn't even want that happening, so I told them to just wait until Dad got home then they could do something special for him here at the house. They were ok with that.

The boys and I went back to my parents' house for dinner, but before we got there, I wanted to stop and pick out a dessert to take. As I'm coming to a stop sign, I hear a loud pop, and I'm thinking, "Ohhhh pleeeease don't let that be the back tire again!" I parked (we were at the store already) and checked the tire, and it was fine.

So we got the dessert, and after leaving the parking lot, I hear and feel a "thump-thump-thump-thump-...". I pull into a nearby gas station to check ALL the tires this time, and sure enough, my right front tire (passenger side) has a HUGE bolt sticking out of it ! I'm thinking, "Hah! Just my luck! 2 weeks ago, a small nail in my back tire, and now a bolt in the front one. NICE!"

I carefully drove to my parents' (they were only a few minutes away), and my stepdad called AAA to have them put the spare on for me. They said they would be there in 30 minutes, but it was more like AN HOUR and 30 minutes . In the meantime, we had a very nice dinner together -- my mom, my stepdad, the boys, and me. One of my sisters and her family showed up about an hour and a half later -- oh yeah, when the tow-truck finally showed !

Anyhow, we've never had to use the spare on my truck before, so when the tow guy was ready to change it, he asked where the rod was to release the spare from underneath the bed of the truck. I didn't know what he was talking about , so my stepdad explained it to me then we looked all throughout the truck for it and found nothing. Luckily since my sister also has a truck (a different make though), we checked to see if hers would work, and it did (whew! ).

While the spare was being put on, I called H to see if he knew where the rod to our truck could be, but he didn't answer. It was ringing, so his phone WAS ON (I'll get to this later), but I left him a voicemail. I tried calling H again about 15 minutes later, it WAS ringing, but still no answer so I left him another message. I'm feeling rather unnerved at this point -- H not asking to talk to me after he did with the boys earlier, the whole tire thing again (OH! BTW, my stepdad found ANOTHER nail in the driver's side front tire {????!!!!} that looks like it's been there for awhile now but the tire hasn't leaked YET -- my guess is it's from all the underground road construction that's been happening here lately), and H not answering his phone when it is clearly on since it's ringing and not calling me back.

Anyway, we visited with my sister for awhile before they left. Then while the boys were off playing in another part of the house, and my stepdad was laying down with the baby for a snooze, my mom began asking me how was H doing, how were WE doing. I told her he was fine and just very busy with work, and I told her we were fine also. My mom gave me a "look" -- the kind that is telling you, "I don't believe you. I know SOMETHING is wrong." I asked her "what?" like I was playing stupid or something. Then she told me that both S9 and S5 have told them (her and my stepdad) about H's talk with them about possibly moving out a couple months back..... ......My mom said, "Mi hija....I can see that you are hurting. I've seen it for a long time now, even before the boys said anything to us, but I haven't said anything about it to you because I've been waiting for you to come to me when you were ready. But I can't let it go any longer. What is happening with you and H?"

Well.......I spilled my guts and did a LOT of crying. I've been wanting to talk to my mom so bad about all of this but then I didn't want to get her involved in any way either. But I did tell her everything. Well, almost everything. I told her about the A, his indecision from time to time, his worries and fears that I know of as well as my own, that I have been making changes in myself for me and for the boys, that I'm trying to salvage this M still even though I am unsure about it at times, and that I'm going to start C soon because I need the help with sorting through all these feelings and emotions. I did not tell her about any of H's severe depression and bulimia though.

I also told her how remorseful H has been, and how he IS trying to make things better. Maybe not quite enough as I would like, but he is trying.

My mom was stunned. She said, "I knew something was wrong, but I never would've thought of an A. I never would've thought that from H.....(sigh).....(stepdad) and I will support you no matter what. We are here for you. You know that. You are our daughter, and we want nothing more than for you, and those 3 precious boys, to be happy......They deserve it, and so do you......Marriage takes two, JV. You cannot make it work all on your own,.... but if you have enough love and faith in your heart that things could turn around for the better, then you stick with it. You be there for H when he needs you to be, and he needs to be there for you as well. He needs to find a job where he can be closer to home because how can you work on the R when he's gone all the time? How are things going to get any better when he's not home? Those boys need their father, and you need your H."

I told her about what's going on with his job now and that H is looking to get a different one. She said she would talk to my stepdad to see if he could keep his eyes and ears open for anything that may come up.

We talked a bit more, and she gave me a hug only a mother can give . She told me to definitely see a C and hopefully H would change his mind and go, too.

I asked her not to talk to anyone else about this except for my stepdad. She said, "Of course not. That goes without saying, mi hija. It's not my place or (stepdad)'s to do so. We have no right to. Just please come and talk to us whenever you need to. We are here for you, and for H. We will not treat or look at him any differently than we have in the past. We love H, too, you know." I told her I know and that I wasn't going to tell H that I had talked to her about this because then he may never feel like showing his face around here ever again.

(Whew)....another long post from JV .

Anyway, the boys and I finally came home, and the phone was ringing. I answered and it was H. He said he was sorry for not answering his cell -- he said he had it OFF.....Hmmm. If it's off then it WILL NOT ring and it will go straight to voicemail. I know this, and H knows this -- ugh! Forget it.

H asked what we did today then he told me that he went to see "Batman" tonight. I was a little hurt by this but said nothing of course. I was just thinking to myself, "You haven't taken me to a movie in over a year or so.".....trying to let it roll .

H said he would probably be there for the rest of this week. Some more jobs were scheduled throughout the week, but he was going to try to be home by his birthday (Saturday), and that was it. No "ILY"s tonight. In fact, H sounded like he was in a hurry to get off the phone suddenly......oh well.

Ok. I think I got everything out now . I'm up way too late. I'm going to talk to H tomorrow about C for me. Wish me a bit of luck please!

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."