Trying to find our way to happiness II

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

I'm having such a hard time right now . I REALLY wish I hadn't remembered that EA from long ago. Everything's eating away at me today .

I remember telling H that he had better not ever do that to me again or that would be it for us.......8 years later, and he did.

My imagination is getting the best of me today. It's making me wonder if there were possibly any other EAs that might have taken place.

Maybe this is what H said I don't get and I will never understand. Maybe he's telling me in some way that he never really wanted to be with me for the rest of his life and only married me because of the "friendly" pressure from our mutual friend. Oh yeah -- and because we had a kid together and he couldn't bring himself to walk away. Actually he did, but he came back after 2 weeks.

I'm just wondering if I can ever truly trust H again, and with his frequent trips to THAT store, I think about all the very pretty young females working there. I'm not unattractive, but I'm not quite in-shape to wear those low-rise hiphugger jeans and/or shorts that H adores. I remember a time not too long ago when H said, "Damn! Where were these girls back when I was in high school?"

Remembering that past EA has really put me in deep hole. My self-esteem is real low right now. I don't know. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I just crave the attention H used to have for me, and I feel like he craves the Gwen Stefani look (she's the singer in the group "No Doubt"). We both like her music. H really loves her voice (he says it's so sexy), and I'm sure he likes her body, too.

I'm stuck in this terrible funk right now and can't seem to get out of it . (Sigh).....I think I'll go wash the truck since it needs it. Hopefully that'll help some.

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."