Trying to find our way to happiness II

[ValerieA]

So much for a break, huh?

H called last night. Not to see how our day was but to vent about his.

H and (bf) only closed 7 deals yesterday -- that's pretty BAD , and I guess the A/C doesn't work very well in the building they're in (they're in AZ remember?) So I did my best not to personalize H's crabbiness. He wasn't crabby with me. He was crabby because they didn't have a good day with sales (H had high hopes for that) and he was hot all day.

Then H made it really difficult for me not to take it personally after that. After he vented about his day, he said, "(sigh).....I wish I didn't have so many responsibilities.....I wish I would've done something different with my life." I told H, "So, why not do something different now? H, there's more than enough in the bank for you to take a few months off from working while looking into doing something else." H was quiet for awhile then said he was going to take a hot bath. No "ILY" yesterday.

I woke up around 12:30am and called H, but his phone was off, and I just tried calling him again but it's still off.

...he said, "(sigh).....I wish I didn't have so many responsibilities.....I wish I would've done something different with my life."

It's hard not to personalize this because H has made these statements many times in the past and even moreso since the birth of the baby. H makes me feel like he doesn't want this family life, like he doesn't want the responsibility of having 3 kids and a wife.

I really feel like he hasn't left because it is just more convenient this way for H. He won't have to worry about finding another place to stay where he'll have to pay rent -- just more money for him to spend.

Or is he just afraid of breaking up the family like his father did? I think it's that, too, because I remember H saying once, "How many dads do you know of stick around after a divorce or separation?" I couldn't think of any, and H said, "Exactly." H expressed his concern that he was afraid he may not come around as often as he should for the boys, and he didn't want the baby growing up not really knowing his daddy. I told H he had control over that, so he could make it a point not to be like the fathers we know. H said, "Whatever."

Am I just prolonging the inevitable? I don't doubt that H cares for me deeply and has love for me, but it just feels like it will never be how it should be. H is so full of resentment, and I hear it and feel it almost everyday in some form.

I feel like I'm about 2 steps away from throwing in the towel for him, and I don't understand it. I feel alive and wonderful when H is loving and is his old self, but when he is just so dark and negative, I feel a part of me dying. It's frustrating and it hurts.

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."