Trying to find our way to happiness II

[cally]

Remember how I wrote H left the house before 2pm? Well, the time on the receipt was after 3pm. H told me he went to Old Navy right after he left the house....so I guess it takes him an HOUR to pick out a black and a white tank top?! Then since he returned home at 5:30pm, I guess he made it to San Pablo, Emeryville, Brooks, Pacheco then got home all in 2 1/2 hours???!!!......I hate saying this, but I do believe my H was lying to me . I didn't say a word about it though....(sigh).

I would just keep your eyes and ears open and be prepared. He may be doing nothing at all. But his actions seem very weird. Is it possible this OW gets moved around to different GAP stores? Or even possible transferred to this store closer? I can't really say I blame you for checking the receipt I know I would to. I know there is a BIG difference I think in checking up on someone who hasn't caused any reason for any mistrust. then in someone who has and has admitted it. You are still hurting and it will take time for that hurt to lessen. See for me I would be thinking did he have to go say good-bye to someone else before he left on his trip?

But he told you before you could check up on him anytime didn't he. So he shouldn't get all moody. I know this isn't a good thing to do constantly. But in your case you are still hurting. It is still fresh for you. He seems so weird and private about things like his cell phone. Has he always been this way with the cell phone? See maybe I am reading more into things but maybe this is the type of a person he is. It seems starange to me because at any given moment of a day I could pick up my husbands cell phone and use it or get a number from it if I wanted to call someone. Sometimes I forget my phone and use his. Never ever has he reacted by getting mad or pissy about it. It's like just natural and vice versa if he uses my phone. I guess sharing you could call it.


The chest pains you experienced could be due to stress. Do try to take it easy. Also could have been indigestion. I have heard indigestion can be really bad and painful in the chest area. Why did he tell you to continue with the treadmill? Does he like you to maintain a certain weight or tone to your body? Or was he saying this because he likes you to exercise for your health?

That is sweet he was so concerned about you. That does show love. I would have told him though that maybe this is from the stress you have been under. Not to put burden on him. But that he could see his actions can be hurtful and have an affect. I don't think he really thinks about his actions or words. About him looking at the woman I know it hurt. But is a very natural response for a man to do this. (unfortunately) They say a man wouldn't be a man if he didn't notice the opposite sex. That's where the old saying comes in look but don't touch.

Whjy did he say he is quiting drinking? Also don't completely believe him about the eating disorder being under control. I have never seen anyone cure themselves from this disorder without professional help. But often times when they are found out they will keep telling their loved ones they have stopped. Were you able to get him those vitamins? I know you mentioned before that he was pretty over weight. Was he that way when you guys married? Was curious about this. Did him losing weight and then having the affair happen around the same time?

[ValerieA]

Hello there.

I would just keep your eyes and ears open and be prepared. He may be doing nothing at all.

This is what I'm hoping.

I know a lot of his behavior is VERY questionable, but I'm trying not to get too wrapped up in it. IF H is lying about anything and/or everything, he's bound to lose track of all the lies, so he will eventually get caught with his foot in his mouth. Know what I mean? And again, this is only IF he's being deceitful.

Is it possible this OW gets moved around to different GAP stores? Or even possible transferred to this store closer?

I'm sure it's possible, but I'd rather not think about it.

But he told you before you could check up on him anytime didn't he. So he shouldn't get all moody. I know this isn't a good thing to do constantly. But in your case you are still hurting. It is still fresh for you.

Yes, H did say I could check up on him anytime, and you're right -- it's not a good thing to do constantly. The only time I'm tempted to "investigate" is when I'm feeling very insecure, but I am getting somewhat better at not doing so.

I don't want to dwell on what's happened and why or how H broke the "trust bond", so I have to let it go which I HAVE been doing. It's just when I found new stuff from Old Navy here and there and H telling me he went there (which is a good thing because he was being honest and not trying to hide anything from me), it's those moments that feel like small blasts exploding right in my face, right in front of me, and I never see them coming. With those "blasts" happening again and again, it brings it all back, and this is why it appears to still be fresh. Now, if H can stick to what he said about not going to THAT Old Navy, and if he's considerate enough to let me know that he will be shopping even at the one here, then I can get back on the road to recovery from the A.

He seems so weird and private about things like his cell phone. Has he always been this way with the cell phone?

No, he wasn't always like that. He just started getting that way after the bomb dropped.

I remember once around Christmas time when his phone rang and he asked me to see what the number was on the caller ID. It was OW's number. Of course, I didn't know that at the time. When I told him the number, H said, "Oh. It must be a customer. I don't want to talk to anyone right now."

It does bother me a bit that H seems to still "hurry" to his phone when it rings, but........I'm just keeping my eyes and ears open. I really don't think he's still seeing OW or anyone else either. If he is, he's probably a bit smarter now if you know what I mean, but I'm sure I'll get THAT "feeling" again.

But I'm trying to believe my gut feeling right now that nothing is going on .

The chest pains you experienced could be due to stress. Do try to take it easy. Also could have been indigestion. I have heard indigestion can be really bad and painful in the chest area.

It probably was heartburn or indigestion hopefully though I HAVE been stressed out lately. In fact, I've been stressed for awhile now. My H's comment about the hair-loss was because I have been losing quite a bit of my hair. I used to have a very thick and full head of hair, but since about November, I've been losing some, and my hair's a lot thinner now. It could be hereditary though because I remember that my paternal grandmother hardly had any hair. It was so thin you could see her scalp . Geez -- I might need to try Rogaine for women or something . Sorry, I don't mean to offend anyone out there.

Why did he tell you to continue with the treadmill? Does he like you to maintain a certain weight or tone to your body? Or was he saying this because he likes you to exercise for your health?

H has never had a problem with my weight although I could lose another 15 pounds (I've lost 10 since the start of all this). It's been a struggle for me to lose the excess weight, and H has always been understanding about this. S9 was a preemie, and I only gained about 11 pounds with him then didn't lose any of that weight which was fine with the both of us since I was only 105 pounds to begin with! The extra meat on my bones enhanced my figure, and we both liked that. With S5, well....he was a MOOSE ! I gained 40 pounds with him, and he was just under 11 pounds at birth! I know.... ! I only lost half of that weight , and with the baby, I gained 30 pounds with him, but luckily I lost all of it (whew! ). He was just under 8 pounds.

Anyway, I believe H wants me to exercise for my health especially after what happened. I don't blame him, and I totally agree.

That is sweet he was so concerned about you. That does show love. I would have told him though that maybe this is from the stress you have been under. Not to put burden on him. But that he could see his actions can be hurtful and have an affect.

I'm not sure if I'd want to do that. That could possibly be me playing some sort of version of the "blame game", too. Besides, with how H has been calling to check on me and keeps telling me he is so sorry, I believe he's already thinking or feeling like this could be his fault. It could very well be, but why would I want to say anything to H about it and possibly add more to his guilt?

Whjy did he say he is quiting drinking?

H said he REALLY wants to stop. He KNOWS it's going to be hard, but he also knows that he does want to stop. H said if he can make it through 60 days without a drink (he marked the calendar), then he knows he can make it another 60, then another 60, then another.......

Also don't completely believe him about the eating disorder being under control.... Were you able to get him those vitamins?

Right, I know. I've been eavesdropping while H has been in the shower because that's the only time he ever did it, and I have yet to "hear" anything. H said he hasn't since that last time, and I do believe him.

Yes, I did get him all the vitamins last week, and he's only taken the fish oil ones so far . I MAY have to tell H ever so gently how much that stuff cost us AND tell him I can't take them back for a refund to MAKE him take them . If I tell him this, I KNOW he won't let them just sit there any longer, but it'll have to wait til he gets back. H took the fish oil capsules with him, but not the others (5-HTP/multivtamin/B-50).

........But it's a GOOD start !

I know you mentioned before that he was pretty over weight. Was he that way when you guys married? Was curious about this. Did him losing weight and then having the affair happen around the same time?

H wasn't overweight when we were dating, but SIL told me that he was bulimic before we met. She said he wasn't overweight even then.

Yes, H started losing weight in Feb 04 and was looking really good around the time the A started (Oct 04). I did compliment H on losing all that weight from time to time, but it can be hard when you see someone all the time and you don't notice every little new thing about them right away. I think this is where I "failed" H because he wanted me to take notice of everything changing in him. Mainly his physique. Maybe H got the admiration he was looking for from OW when it should have been me. I can't change what's happened, but I can try to make it better NOW. I can try to show H that I DO in fact love his new body. I DO love HIM.

I'm thinking back to the couple times that Ellie told me to "jump his bones" . I'm going to do that when H gets back !

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[kml]

My H's comment about the hair-loss was because I have been losing quite a bit of my hair. I used to have a very thick and full head of hair, but since about November, I've been losing some, and my hair's a lot thinner now.

Please get your thyroid checked too. Low thyroid can cause hair thinning.

Ellie

[ValerieA]

Hey, Ellie!

Thank you, and I will have that done. I'll be added to H's new medical coverage in 2 weeks, so I gotta wait .

---------------------------

Journaling:

Today was fun and stress-free !

It was the last day of school for the boys. S5 had his Kindergarten Celebration this morning -- every student received an award for something. S5 received the "Good Citizenship Award" for always keeping himself together in the classroom ! He's such a good boy !

Both S9 and S5 did really well on their report cards, too! S9 is reading at an early 5th grade level right now (he's going into the 4th grade next year), and his math skills are at a level equal to that of a typical 6th grader after the fifth month of the school year! My little miracle -- he makes me so proud !

We went out for pizza with my parents at the boys' request for an early dinner. Ok, Mom's had enough pizza for the week now ! That's twice this week already!

After that, I took the boys to Toys R Us to pick out their new bikes , and as an added bonus for being such wonderful kids , I let them also pick out a video game of their choice -- "Madagascar". Today, I was the "bestest" mom ever !

H called a little while ago. He sounded a bit "moody". It seems as if (boss) and his W are already "bothering" him. I did not want to go down that dark path with H, so I immediately began telling H about our very positive day. I also went over the kids' report cards with H, and he was so happy and proud ! H talked to them for a while then S9 gave the phone back to me. H said, "You should pat yourself on the back. They've done so well because of you!" I told H thank you, that means a lot to me ! I told H to do the same since he used to take S9 to work with him sometimes before we had S5, and H was always working on numbers with S9. H said, "Thanks, but you do a lot more."

I also told H that I bought the boys their new bikes. I told him it cost me an extra $10 per bike to have the store assemble them for us. H said, "If I was home, I could have done it myself. Sorry." I said, "It's alright. I probably could do it myself, too, but then again, there's no telling how long it might take me to finish them. Especially with having to stop for (baby) so much." H said, "No, you don't need to be doing that stuff right now. I'm glad you paid the extra money. Let them do it for you. Just....just don't do too much while I'm gone, alright? Just take it real easy." I told H I would. We talked for a bit more, H said "ILY", I said the same, then we said goodbye. H also said he'd call me later tonight or in the morning.

Ok, I let the boys stay up later than usual tonight, but I think it's definitely time for bed now . I can already hear them -- "Aaawww! C'mon, Mommy! Just a little longer pleeeeeaasssssse!"

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

Not a whole lot to talk about right now. The boys and I are doing fine, and H has called me like he said he would.

H said the show went very well for them yesterday ! H and (bf) sold a total of 12 deals -- for a Friday, that is REALLY GOOD! They're aiming for 60 more deals over the next 2 days.

H also told me "ILY" again. Maybe it's no big thing to some, but it is to me . H said it 3 days in a row now, and that doesn't happen too often. H also said that he would be leaving his phone on throughout the night so if I wanted to call him I could. Well, I'm not usually up after midnight unless H is here, but maybe a couple of times while H is away I'll set the alarm clock to wake me up around 1am just to call him and let him know that I'm missing him. I just happened to remember how OW would call H around 2am a LOT, maybe to tell him she was thinking of him. I guess I could try to do that, too, since I do miss him.

S9 is spending this weekend with my parents, and next weekend it will be S5's turn. They could use a couple days rest from each other , and I could do with it, too . MIL will be picking up S5 shortly for a fun day out, so it'll be just the baby and me today. At least this one isn't able to complain about going shopping with me -- YET !

I may not post too much during this time with H being away. I think I could also use a small break from the BB, but I will come back if I should need to vent or something .

Take care and thanks for always being there.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

So much for a break, huh?

H called last night. Not to see how our day was but to vent about his.

H and (bf) only closed 7 deals yesterday -- that's pretty BAD , and I guess the A/C doesn't work very well in the building they're in (they're in AZ remember?) So I did my best not to personalize H's crabbiness. He wasn't crabby with me. He was crabby because they didn't have a good day with sales (H had high hopes for that) and he was hot all day.

Then H made it really difficult for me not to take it personally after that. After he vented about his day, he said, "(sigh).....I wish I didn't have so many responsibilities.....I wish I would've done something different with my life." I told H, "So, why not do something different now? H, there's more than enough in the bank for you to take a few months off from working while looking into doing something else." H was quiet for awhile then said he was going to take a hot bath. No "ILY" yesterday.

I woke up around 12:30am and called H, but his phone was off, and I just tried calling him again but it's still off.

...he said, "(sigh).....I wish I didn't have so many responsibilities.....I wish I would've done something different with my life."

It's hard not to personalize this because H has made these statements many times in the past and even moreso since the birth of the baby. H makes me feel like he doesn't want this family life, like he doesn't want the responsibility of having 3 kids and a wife.

I really feel like he hasn't left because it is just more convenient this way for H. He won't have to worry about finding another place to stay where he'll have to pay rent -- just more money for him to spend.

Or is he just afraid of breaking up the family like his father did? I think it's that, too, because I remember H saying once, "How many dads do you know of stick around after a divorce or separation?" I couldn't think of any, and H said, "Exactly." H expressed his concern that he was afraid he may not come around as often as he should for the boys, and he didn't want the baby growing up not really knowing his daddy. I told H he had control over that, so he could make it a point not to be like the fathers we know. H said, "Whatever."

Am I just prolonging the inevitable? I don't doubt that H cares for me deeply and has love for me, but it just feels like it will never be how it should be. H is so full of resentment, and I hear it and feel it almost everyday in some form.

I feel like I'm about 2 steps away from throwing in the towel for him, and I don't understand it. I feel alive and wonderful when H is loving and is his old self, but when he is just so dark and negative, I feel a part of me dying. It's frustrating and it hurts.

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

H called me back just after 10am. I forgot that he has a problem with his phone -- it shuts itself off sometimes when he closes it. I think it's time for a new one, but knowing H, he'll wait until it's really junked.

H said he was sorry I couldn't get through to him but reminded me of the phone's problem. I said it was ok. I was just thinking about him and wanted to see if he was feeling better. H said, "I'm fine. Well...I'm not fine, but yeah, I'm fine." H said they were running late and he had to go. He said "ILY" and he'd talk to me later.

H called again while I was at my parents' house picking up S9 and left a lengthy message saying he wanted to tell me "ILY" and that he was thinking of me. H said he wants things to be better, and he can't tell me how much he wishes everything would just be normal again. He hopes that he can fix things, and no matter what happens, H wants me to know that he does love me. H asked me to call him when I got in so he could talk to the boys and wanted me to show the baby his picture everyday so he could always see Daddy. H said "ILY" about 4 times throughout his message.

I did call H back, but he didn't answer so I left him a message letting him know I got his. I told H "ILY", too, and I think we can get through this (I know -- don't TALK, just DO). I think H needed to hear some kind of reassurance from me that I am still here for him. I don't know -- maybe, maybe not. Anyway, the boys left a little message for him, too, but he hasn't called back yet. Hopefully business picked up for them.


I don't know what prompted me to remember this today because I had completely forgotten about it, but I recall a time (about 8 years ago; I don't remember if we were married yet but we did have S9 already) when some girl was calling H at work and/or paging him. I don't know how or when they met, but H assured me that she was only a friend.

I think I found out what the real truth was while I was visiting him at work. H was down the hall and asked me over the intercom to get something from his desk for him. I opened a drawer and got what he needed, but I also happened to notice a letter addressed to H that was sent to the store. It caught my eye because of the handwriting; it was obviously written by a female.

I took H what he asked for then went back into his office to snoop . I read the letter and my suspicions were confirmed. I believe H was having an EA with her. She also included a picture of herself with it (which I ripped up and threw away ). In the letter, she wrote how she thought of H all the time, and she often wondered what would've happened if things had gone further with them. She was involved with someone else, too, and had a baby with him then they moved to Los Angeles. She wrote that she missed H and that she hoped he could find happiness in his life with me ( ).

When I confronted H with the letter, he told me that she meant nothing to him (sounds familiar). They were just friends. I told him that she made it sound like it was a lot more than that. H said it was over with and that she wasn't even around anymore. I asked him why was she calling him and paging him then, he said he didn't know and he wouldn't talk to her ever again. He even told all the employees right in front of me that if she called for him again, they were to tell her he didn't work there anymore and not give out his new pager number either. That was the last I ever heard about her again.

(Sigh).....I wish I hadn't remembered that . It just seems to confirm my beliefs that H feels I ruined his life. It also makes me wonder if he's ever really been completely connected to me at all. There were the 2 times he cheated on me while we were dating (before I became pregnant), the EA about 8 years ago, and the recent EA.

With the exception of H's message earlier (I'm reminding myself they're just words and not actions), it's been an emotionally bad day.

H just called. He said they were busy but only made 7 deals, and one deal from yesterday changed their mind . Now H has to go door to door to generate more sales, and he is NOT looking forward to that at all.

He also said he was sorry for sounding so stupid on his message. I told H I didn't think he sounded that way. He said he just wasn't feeling too good and was feeling a bit nervous. It sounded like it might have been another one of his panic attacks coming on. I told H to try to take it easy and not worry so much about everything. H said he'd try and now they're going to (boss)'s house for a late barbecue. He said "ILY" again before we hung up.

Ok, I gotta get the kids ready for bed now. Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

I'm having such a hard time right now . I REALLY wish I hadn't remembered that EA from long ago. Everything's eating away at me today .

I remember telling H that he had better not ever do that to me again or that would be it for us.......8 years later, and he did.

My imagination is getting the best of me today. It's making me wonder if there were possibly any other EAs that might have taken place.

Maybe this is what H said I don't get and I will never understand. Maybe he's telling me in some way that he never really wanted to be with me for the rest of his life and only married me because of the "friendly" pressure from our mutual friend. Oh yeah -- and because we had a kid together and he couldn't bring himself to walk away. Actually he did, but he came back after 2 weeks.

I'm just wondering if I can ever truly trust H again, and with his frequent trips to THAT store, I think about all the very pretty young females working there. I'm not unattractive, but I'm not quite in-shape to wear those low-rise hiphugger jeans and/or shorts that H adores. I remember a time not too long ago when H said, "Damn! Where were these girls back when I was in high school?"

Remembering that past EA has really put me in deep hole. My self-esteem is real low right now. I don't know. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I just crave the attention H used to have for me, and I feel like he craves the Gwen Stefani look (she's the singer in the group "No Doubt"). We both like her music. H really loves her voice (he says it's so sexy), and I'm sure he likes her body, too.

I'm stuck in this terrible funk right now and can't seem to get out of it . (Sigh).....I think I'll go wash the truck since it needs it. Hopefully that'll help some.

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

More journaling:

Looks like washing the truck did the trick . I feel a lot better now that I got something almost finished . I'm taking another breather. I've had to stop several times for the kids, so what should've only taken me about an hour or so to complete has taken me a little more than 5 hours , and I'm still not done ! Oh well -- thank goodness it's still light out for another hour .

H called a few hours ago. He was only able to talk for a few minutes because his boss called on the other line. H said things are not sounding good at all for the business. (boss) is talking about shutting it all down and soon. H said he might be coming home tomorrow, and I could tell he was very stressed out.

I told H try not to worry. Maybe this will be for the best. He's been wanting to do something different for a long time now, so maybe this is his opportunity.

H said he would call me back in a bit (he hasn't yet) and he said "ILY, JV." I told him the same and I'd talk to him later.

Well, I'm going to do my best to be positive and cheery when he gets back, but I have a feeling gloomy days are heading our way. Hopefully it's just a feeling .

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[heatherg]

I hope you're feeling better. Our moments of insecurity really suck, don't they?? I know how you feel. Feelings that your SP is more attracted to someone else than to you can just eat at you. Focus on what's good and what's right and try to let the rest go, if only for a day.