Trying to find our way to happiness II

[ValerieA]

Hello there.

I would just keep your eyes and ears open and be prepared. He may be doing nothing at all.

This is what I'm hoping.

I know a lot of his behavior is VERY questionable, but I'm trying not to get too wrapped up in it. IF H is lying about anything and/or everything, he's bound to lose track of all the lies, so he will eventually get caught with his foot in his mouth. Know what I mean? And again, this is only IF he's being deceitful.

Is it possible this OW gets moved around to different GAP stores? Or even possible transferred to this store closer?

I'm sure it's possible, but I'd rather not think about it.

But he told you before you could check up on him anytime didn't he. So he shouldn't get all moody. I know this isn't a good thing to do constantly. But in your case you are still hurting. It is still fresh for you.

Yes, H did say I could check up on him anytime, and you're right -- it's not a good thing to do constantly. The only time I'm tempted to "investigate" is when I'm feeling very insecure, but I am getting somewhat better at not doing so.

I don't want to dwell on what's happened and why or how H broke the "trust bond", so I have to let it go which I HAVE been doing. It's just when I found new stuff from Old Navy here and there and H telling me he went there (which is a good thing because he was being honest and not trying to hide anything from me), it's those moments that feel like small blasts exploding right in my face, right in front of me, and I never see them coming. With those "blasts" happening again and again, it brings it all back, and this is why it appears to still be fresh. Now, if H can stick to what he said about not going to THAT Old Navy, and if he's considerate enough to let me know that he will be shopping even at the one here, then I can get back on the road to recovery from the A.

He seems so weird and private about things like his cell phone. Has he always been this way with the cell phone?

No, he wasn't always like that. He just started getting that way after the bomb dropped.

I remember once around Christmas time when his phone rang and he asked me to see what the number was on the caller ID. It was OW's number. Of course, I didn't know that at the time. When I told him the number, H said, "Oh. It must be a customer. I don't want to talk to anyone right now."

It does bother me a bit that H seems to still "hurry" to his phone when it rings, but........I'm just keeping my eyes and ears open. I really don't think he's still seeing OW or anyone else either. If he is, he's probably a bit smarter now if you know what I mean, but I'm sure I'll get THAT "feeling" again.

But I'm trying to believe my gut feeling right now that nothing is going on .

The chest pains you experienced could be due to stress. Do try to take it easy. Also could have been indigestion. I have heard indigestion can be really bad and painful in the chest area.

It probably was heartburn or indigestion hopefully though I HAVE been stressed out lately. In fact, I've been stressed for awhile now. My H's comment about the hair-loss was because I have been losing quite a bit of my hair. I used to have a very thick and full head of hair, but since about November, I've been losing some, and my hair's a lot thinner now. It could be hereditary though because I remember that my paternal grandmother hardly had any hair. It was so thin you could see her scalp . Geez -- I might need to try Rogaine for women or something . Sorry, I don't mean to offend anyone out there.

Why did he tell you to continue with the treadmill? Does he like you to maintain a certain weight or tone to your body? Or was he saying this because he likes you to exercise for your health?

H has never had a problem with my weight although I could lose another 15 pounds (I've lost 10 since the start of all this). It's been a struggle for me to lose the excess weight, and H has always been understanding about this. S9 was a preemie, and I only gained about 11 pounds with him then didn't lose any of that weight which was fine with the both of us since I was only 105 pounds to begin with! The extra meat on my bones enhanced my figure, and we both liked that. With S5, well....he was a MOOSE ! I gained 40 pounds with him, and he was just under 11 pounds at birth! I know.... ! I only lost half of that weight , and with the baby, I gained 30 pounds with him, but luckily I lost all of it (whew! ). He was just under 8 pounds.

Anyway, I believe H wants me to exercise for my health especially after what happened. I don't blame him, and I totally agree.

That is sweet he was so concerned about you. That does show love. I would have told him though that maybe this is from the stress you have been under. Not to put burden on him. But that he could see his actions can be hurtful and have an affect.

I'm not sure if I'd want to do that. That could possibly be me playing some sort of version of the "blame game", too. Besides, with how H has been calling to check on me and keeps telling me he is so sorry, I believe he's already thinking or feeling like this could be his fault. It could very well be, but why would I want to say anything to H about it and possibly add more to his guilt?

Whjy did he say he is quiting drinking?

H said he REALLY wants to stop. He KNOWS it's going to be hard, but he also knows that he does want to stop. H said if he can make it through 60 days without a drink (he marked the calendar), then he knows he can make it another 60, then another 60, then another.......

Also don't completely believe him about the eating disorder being under control.... Were you able to get him those vitamins?

Right, I know. I've been eavesdropping while H has been in the shower because that's the only time he ever did it, and I have yet to "hear" anything. H said he hasn't since that last time, and I do believe him.

Yes, I did get him all the vitamins last week, and he's only taken the fish oil ones so far . I MAY have to tell H ever so gently how much that stuff cost us AND tell him I can't take them back for a refund to MAKE him take them . If I tell him this, I KNOW he won't let them just sit there any longer, but it'll have to wait til he gets back. H took the fish oil capsules with him, but not the others (5-HTP/multivtamin/B-50).

........But it's a GOOD start !

I know you mentioned before that he was pretty over weight. Was he that way when you guys married? Was curious about this. Did him losing weight and then having the affair happen around the same time?

H wasn't overweight when we were dating, but SIL told me that he was bulimic before we met. She said he wasn't overweight even then.

Yes, H started losing weight in Feb 04 and was looking really good around the time the A started (Oct 04). I did compliment H on losing all that weight from time to time, but it can be hard when you see someone all the time and you don't notice every little new thing about them right away. I think this is where I "failed" H because he wanted me to take notice of everything changing in him. Mainly his physique. Maybe H got the admiration he was looking for from OW when it should have been me. I can't change what's happened, but I can try to make it better NOW. I can try to show H that I DO in fact love his new body. I DO love HIM.

I'm thinking back to the couple times that Ellie told me to "jump his bones" . I'm going to do that when H gets back !

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."