Trying to find our way to happiness II

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

Yesterday.....hmmm.....I guess I could say that it was all over the map . So where to start?

Ok.....After H picked up the boys from school, he said he was going to several card rooms/casinos to fill out applications to be hired as a dealer....(sigh). Not what I want, but what can I say or do about it? H IS the breadwinner, and I have to respect that like I always have. So he left just before 2pm and said he would be back in time to take S9 to Tae Kwon Do at 6pm. After S9's class which lasts 1 hour, we would head out to see the Circus Chimera.

H got back at about 5:30pm and had on a different shirt. H said, "Look. I stopped off at Old Navy and bought myself a couple new tank tops. What do you think?".......OLD NAVY AGAIN !!!!......I swear I felt like I had a tennis ball stuck in my throat . H looked at me, showed me the Old Navy bag and said, "The receipt's in the bag so you can see that I went to the one here in town and not to the one in the mall."........I don't think I ever mentioned this -- we have an Old Navy here in town, OW works at the one in the next town which is only 10 minutes from us, and until yesterday, H has been going to the one where OW works. Geeeezzzzzz, is H FINALLY getting it??!! I have tried to tell him this I don't know how many times ("there IS an Old Navy HERE, you know?" -- I never said it angrily to H though ), and he NEVER listened before!......So H asked if I wanted to take a look at the receipt to see that he was telling the truth, and I said no. I REALLY did want to, but if I told H that, I know he probably would've become defensive and "moody".

Well, I was the one who was moody after knowing about his Old Navy trip. Not really moody, just quiet and distant trying to keep myself from crumbling due to the insecurity H's shopping trip brought upon me. H sensed it and said, "What's wrong? I told you I went to the one here. JV, I didn't go to the mall!" I said, "I know what you told me. I heard you." H said then what's the matter, and I told him I was just caught offguard by this, but I'll be alright. Then H said, "Hmm..........Maybe you should do what you said then." I knew he was referring to when I said "why don't we go our separate ways?..." the other day. This really irritated me ! The way he said it made me feel like he was telling me, "If you can't deal with this, then you should go." I know -- I'm probably ASSuming, but I didn't like it one bit.

I told H, "Maybe YOU should go along with what I said since you can't seem to give me one OUNCE of understanding." H looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, JV. Ok? I'm sorry. I won't ever go there again even though I went to the one here, but you know I used to go shopping there all the time before. S9, let's get going!"

They left then H called me a few minutes later. H said, "Look. I'm really sorry about going to Old Navy. I didn't think it would hurt you that I went to the one here, but if it does then I won't go anymore." I told H, "H, I can't tell you where and where not to shop. I know you like going there, and so do I sometimes. Just tell me next time before you do go so I know what to expect." H said, "Does it REALLY bother you that much that I go there? I told you I'm not going to the other one anymore. What is it? Does it just bring back bad thoughts about what happened?" I said, "Yes. It does. But if you want to go, it would help me if you told me you were going first. Call me up and say, "Hey! I'm going to Old Navy. Wanna come?" or "I'm just letting you know I'm going to Old Navy"." H said, "(sigh)...Alright. Ok. I'm sorry."......Now, the "sigh" worried me. Could H perceive me asking this of him as controlling? ....(sigh).....I am REALLY trying here! And I did thank and tell H how much I appreciated his upfront honesty about going there in the first place.

Welllll....I wasn't too proud of myself while H was gone because I DID look at his receipt . "Insecure JV" just caused herself more worries . Remember how I wrote H left the house before 2pm? Well, the time on the receipt was after 3pm. H told me he went to Old Navy right after he left the house....so I guess it takes him an HOUR to pick out a black and a white tank top?! Then since he returned home at 5:30pm, I guess he made it to San Pablo, Emeryville, Brooks, Pacheco then got home all in 2 1/2 hours???!!!......I hate saying this, but I do believe my H was lying to me . I didn't say a word about it though....(sigh).

So MIL gets here at 6:45pm to stay with the baby, and H, S5, and I head out to pick up S9. Then after getting him, we went to the circus. The kids had never been there before (too bad there weren't animals in this one -- oh well ), and they were really excited !

We get there, and by this time, I'm over my insecurities.....until a VERY well-endowed woman passes right in front of us. I kind of glance over at H and notice that HE'S noticing then quickly looks away . I know -- he's a man, and men look. It just really hurt, and I find myself in quiet distant mode again. But I did manage to have a nice time for the kids' sake. Even with someone else's little kids behind us hitting the back of our seats, playing with mine and S9's hair with their toy, and spilling a snow cone on S9's lap... ...Kids ! But you would think their parents would have done something more than just saying, "Stop it!" Geez....oh well!

All in all, we had a good time, and we thanked H for taking us out. H had a fun time, too .

As we were heading to the truck when it was over, I had some small discomfort in my chest. Heartburn maybe? I've never had anything like it before. I had leftover chicken that I barbecued the other night for dinner and some corn-on-the-cob. When we were at the circus, we all shared some popcorn then S9 and I shared a caramel apple. Whenever I would breathe in, my chest felt a bit tight.

H was starting to freak out a bit, but I told him I was alright. I just needed to sit down and relax. He asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital, but I said no, I'd be fine, and I was after a few moments.

We got home, and H got the kids into bed. We thanked MIL for staying with the baby then she left. I went into the room to change and H came in there. H was really acting scared and worried. I assured him I was ok and maybe it was just heartburn or something. I don't know since I've never experienced it before. H laid on his back on the bed and said while looking at the ceiling, "I really don't like the way that felt.....If something happened to you, I really don't know what I'd do. If something happened to you, I'd really be deep in it.....Don't get sick on me or worse, JV, please." I told H to stop worrying, and everything was going to be fine.

We went into the living room and watched some TV before heading to bed for the night. H gave me a little goodnight kiss but didn't initiate cuddling which I was hoping for, so I initiated it, and without hesitation, H scooted closer to me and held my hand.

This morning, H was telling me to just take it easy all day. I kept telling him I was fine and not to worry. H said, "Just please take it easy, alright?.....I'm sorry, JV. I'm so sorry for everything." I hugged him and told him I was fine, and that what happened last night was not his fault. It wasn't caused by anything he did. H didn't say anything, but I could feel he was close to crying . I reassured H some more then he left to go handle the service call an hour and a half away from us.

H called me when he was on his way home to see how I was doing then we talked about his day. He asked me to get his bags together for AZ, and I said I would.

When H got here, he took a shower then loaded the car. We talked a bit before he left. H wants me to go buy the boys new bikes. They'll love that ! H also said he wants me to get back to walking the treadmill everyday with which I agreed. I HAVE been slacking off lately . H said, "I'm not saying that to get on you about it. I'm saying it because ILY, JV." He told me to take it easy while he's gone and try not to get too stressed out about anything anymore. H said, "Leave the hair-loss to me. That's my job!"

H also said that when he gets back, he wants to make plans for us to take the kids to Disneyland. AAAANNND H said he is NOT going to drink for at least 60 days ! I know this is going to be so hard for him especially since (bf -- who likes drinking whenever he can) is going to be in AZ with him. But I am going to have faith in H . He hasn't been purging lately either .

H gave the kids hugs and kisses before he left, and he gave me a hug, too, but no kiss. He walked to the door, and I said, "Hey! Can I have a kiss goodbye?" H said, "Yeah, of course." I went to him and got a very nice one ! I told H to be careful then he left.

H just called about 30 minutes ago while stopping for gas. He asked again how I was feeling, and I told him fine, thank you. We chatted for a bit then H said he was going and told me "ILY". I told him "ILY, too."

Whew......I know, I know! I rule when it comes to long posts !

So....H will be gone for at least 2 weeks. I'll do like I have been and just give him lots of space while he's gone, but I think I will try to call him a couple times to let H know I'm thinking of him. If H is looking for more admiration and/or attention, I think I should try this but not overdo it either. When he gets home, and hopefully nothing negative will happen right before he does, I'll act like old times when I would greet H as he was walking through the door with the biggest cheese imaginable! I remember how those moments felt for both of us -- we LOVED them so much. The kisses and touching were so incredible !.....(sigh)....I really miss that.

Thanks for listening, and hopefully you all made it through this post ok .

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."