Quote: It doesn't matter where he shops--he's a nut for telling you about it--but what difference does it really make in what is going on right now.
What difference does it make....the way I see it the man had an affair. he has a beautiful wife at home who takes care of his home and his children. Who also takes the best care of him as she can and tolerates a lot of CRAP from him. He agreed to stop talking to OW. Now agreed is the key word. If I am not mistaken that was JV's terms of staying with him is that he end it. Even after he agreed it was found out that he called OW even after he said he wouldn't. So to me it is a slap in the face for him to shop there if it brings him the chance to have contact with the OW when he is the one who agreed to end it.
Then you said.....
Quote: Asking him how he would feel if you had an A with the grocery store manager isn't going to get you any closer
Maybe not the greatest advice. But dang the way I see it is this way..he can gamble all hours of the night or day. Go where he wants, do what he wants. He can buy gifts for his sister when he can't for his wife. He can rip doors right off. He can tell JV that she is to blame for every ounce of the unhappiness he has had. Basically tell her she ruined his life. Tell her that he doesn't even want to have he just does it because he feels obligated. That is A LOT of very hurtful things to put someone else through. But let me mention one other thing the ultimate sin in marriage an affair and put her through that. In this case he just seems above himself. Like he can do whatever he wants and doesn't care about anyone but himself when it comes right down to it. So maybe it might be a good thing for JV I think to ask him even if it was just once how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Let him even if for an instant try to walk one block in the heavy shoes she has been walking in. I Guess you are right and I don't get the butt kissing thing to a man that had an affair. It seems to be they would be the ones who would and should be doing all the making up. Yes I know in marriage it takes two to make things go wrong. But to commit the ultimate sin is just a cop out. I seen a really great show on Oprah on television that covered this topic. They had said what on earth have women become when they basically act like an affair is no big deal. Or worry constantly that they may run off with the other woman so they try to kiss butt and make nice. And just sit at home while they know they are out having sex with that other person. But be careful to greet them with a big kiss when they get home and be pleasant.They even said what is this teaching the future women of the world for those women who are raising daughters. They did have successful couples who did make it through an affair but let me tell you the men very much answered for what they did. The women did put demands on them and the men were willing to work on things and knew they had a lot to make up for. I don't mean to disrespect you either but it seems like that is what you are saying is make nice. let him do his thing even if it hurts you and takes time away from you.
JV I think that is smart to wait for an ultimatum until you know you can back it. I guess by backing you mean in your heart or financially? Because financially he can't walk away and not help you and the kid's. If you can forgive him that is great for what he has done. Forgiving is a beautiful thing. But don't continue to allow him to destroy your ego. That is what I worry about most with you. Be the old JV you use to be instead of the one he has created in you. The one who is scared to speak her mind or say what she needs. You have every right to have your needs met also. Just because your a stay at home mom doesn't mean you are any less valuable. You are doing one the hardest jobs in America today. Believe me I know I was SAHM for 15 years. But start working on your needs and be consistent with them. You have one really great thing from what I read and that is your husband is so open to communicate. That is really a great thing to have in marriage. So use it to your advantage. Tell him excatly what you want and need. Let him know that you will consider leaving and finding happiness if he can't fulfill your needs. BUT also ask him what he expects from you and what needs he has. Tell him it is not one sided but that you realize you have faults. Ask him what has made him so angry. Is it that he wants you out there working? There are some men out there that build up such resentments for the wife that stays at home. Because they feel they have the financial load completely on them. If he comments about it was almost that way then baby came. Let him know hey hubby god gave up this little miracle I can't be sorry for such a blessing from god because it was a blessing that he gave us. All of our children were a blessing from him. That ought to make him think. Maybe you could start going to counseling and get the ball rolling and be an example to him. Maybe he wouldn't be as fearful of it if you did. Maybe that counselor could give you great advice on what to do about his depression and eating disorder. Whatever you tell a counselor is confidential. Because his mental health plays a big part in this.
I am not trying to be negative. I can just feel your pain in your words some times. I feel that pain with going through something similar. So my hackles are up for you. I hope you have a great time at the circus and that he will be in a positive mood.
he just does it because he feels obligated. That is A LOT of very hurtful things to put someone else through. But let me mention one other thing the ultimate sin in marriage an affair and put her through that. In this case he just seems above himself. Like he can do whatever he wants and doesn't care about anyone but himself when it comes right down to it. So maybe it might be a good thing for JV I think to ask him even if it was just once how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Let him even if for an instant try to walk one block in the heavy shoes she has been walking in.
I guess by backing you mean in your heart or financially? Because financially he can't walk away and not help you and the kid's. If you can forgive him that is great for what he has done. Forgiving is a beautiful thing. But don't continue to allow him to destroy your ego. That is what I worry about most with you. Be the old JV you use to be instead of the one he has created in you. The one who is scared to speak her mind or say what she needs. You have every right to have your needs met also. Just because your a stay at home mom doesn't mean you are any less valuable. You are doing one the hardest jobs in America today. Believe me I know I was SAHM for 15 years. But start working on your needs and be consistent with them. You have one really great thing from what I read and that is your husband is so open to communicate. That is really a great thing to have in marriage. So use it to your advantage. Tell him excatly what you want and need. Let him know that you will consider leaving and finding happiness if he can't fulfill your needs. BUT also ask him what he expects from you and what needs he has. Tell him it is not one sided but that you realize you have faults. Ask him what has made him so angry. Is it that he wants you out there working? There are some men out there that build up such resentments for the wife that stays at home. Because they feel they have the financial load completely on them. If he comments about it was almost that way then baby came. Let him know hey hubby god gave up this little miracle I can't be sorry for such a blessing from god because it was a blessing that he gave us. All of our children were a blessing from him. That ought to make him think. Maybe you could start going to counseling and get the ball rolling and be an example to him. Maybe he wouldn't be as fearful of it if you did. Maybe that counselor could give you great advice on what to do about his depression and eating disorder. Whatever you tell a counselor is confidential. Because his mental health plays a big part in this.
