Trying to find our way to happiness II

[ValerieA]

Hi, cally.

Thanks for the hug. Here's one in return. ((((((HUG))))))

I feel very calm and serene (???) right now. It's kinda weird.

So H came back -- for what I have NO idea. I was folding clothes (the laundry never ends in this house for some reason !), and I had nothing to say to H who seemed to be acting like I never called him and said what I said...???? The baby was getting ready to fuss, H picked him up, then stood next to me. He gave the baby a hug and kiss then he pulled me close to him for a hug and gave me a kiss on the forehead. I just kind of gave H a "pat" on the back -- you know, like a friendly hug. I didn't have it in me to give him anything more.

H sat down on the couch and started watching the basketball game and talking to me about it. I really wasn't paying any attention to what he was saying, and I'm not sure if he noticed or not. His face was a little mopey though.

I didn't feel like cooking tonight so I ordered a pizza for the boys. Without me even asking for it, H started giving me money but I told him I had enough.

H went into the living room and started playing with the baby while I was putting clean clothes away. Then H shouted to me, "I'm going outside to talk to (boss). That's him calling me on my cell." -- H is going through a dilemma with his boss right now about not getting paid for last week's work.

After about 15 or 20 minutes, H came back inside and sat down for a moment. I could tell his phone call didn't go well, but I didn't ask about it.

After a short moment, H got up, came over to me on the couch and said in a pouty voice, "I'll see you when I get home. Can I have a kiss please?".......I REALLY DID NOT feel like giving him one, but I did then he left. It was a small empty peck. Kinda like the ones I received from H too many times over the past several months.

Ok... How is it that I just told my H that I thought we should go our separate ways and he comes here shortly afterwards acting like I never said a damn thing???!!!!! I just DO NOT get it!!!

I'm sorry if I sound cold and callous about all of this. I still would very much like for things to work out between us, but I'm at a point right now where I don't care if H does leave. I cannot understand how he can continue going out every night when I have repeatedly told him how much it really bothers me. I told him this TONIGHT again, he came home for about half an hour, and he's gone once more.

Maybe he was looking for something from me, but I really don't feel like I have any more to give him. I've tried, and tried, and tried almost everything with no long-lasting results. Nothing permanent. I've given him his space, I've tried compromising, I've asked for QT, .... it just doesn't seem to matter to him. He's right -- H will do what he wants when he wants. If I put up with it any longer, then I only have myself to blame.

I tried to save my M, but this new and very selfish man in my H's body has triumphed. As long as "he" exists, JV does not.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."