Geez, in rereading my posts, I find myself asking myself, "WHY am I even trying to save this M?" How can I still want to be with such a selfish a**hole? What the heck am I doing in "Piecing" when it clearly seems that I am not piecing? Where is the man I fell in love with? The one who fell in love with me, too?
(SIGH).......Well, H isn't here again. He took his shower and came to sit next to me after my previous post. H asked what I was typing, and I told him that it's like keeping a journal so I mostly write about the day's events. H said that he's been wanting to keep a journal for a while now, too. I told him he should do it; it can be very therapeutic.
H started telling me about MIL. She's been asking him subtly how things are going, and he says he never knows how to answer her. I told him I was sorry, and I have asked her and SIL twice already not to ask him how we are doing per his request. H said, "I know. It's not your fault."
Then H said, "I wanted to know what you thought of me getting my sister a birthday card or something." I said, "Why wouldn't you get her a card to begin with anyway?" H said, "I'm going to, but I just didn't know if you were going to be upset about it since I didn't get you a card or anything." (Yes, it did hurt that he thought to get SIL a card and not me before, but what good would it do for me to say so?) I just told H, "I don't care. Just be sure you get her a little something so she doesn't get upset about it like you know she will." H said, "Yeah -- I know already."
Then H said he was going to play cards ...(sigh)... after taking SIL her card.
Before H left, he was talking about looking for another job. He was talking about becoming a "prop" -- a payed poker player. H would play poker to keep table games going when they were low on players and get paid for it, but he would be playing with his own money. I don't think I like that idea because he would never be here. Wait -- he's never here anyway, so what's the difference?
He was also talking about maybe being a dealer. Same thing again though. I think H would work his shift, but then remain there to play afterwards.
I didn't say much of anything to H when he asked what I thought about those ideas. I told him if that's what he really would like to do then he should go for it. H said, "Are you being sincere or are you telling me to go ahead because you just don't care and you hate me now?" I told H, "I'm being sincere, H, and I do NOT hate you. I really wish you would stop saying that you think I do." H said, "Well I'm trying to be nice to you, but you seem like you're mad at me. What's the matter?" I told H, "I've already told you I don't know how many times about the way I have felt for awhile now. I'm not going to repeat myself anymore because it seems like you just don't listen to me." H said, "I know, and I'm sorry."
H also said that he didn't know what was going to happen to us, but that he does love me and the boys. I told H I know.
H asked for a hug, and I (sadly) reluctantly gave him one. He gave the baby a kiss goodbye while I was holding him, and then he gave me a kiss on the forehead. H also made a remark about having later, but I told him too bad because it's that time of month now. H said, "Damn.....Is that why you were being so mean yesterday?" I said, "No, YOU were being mean." H said, "Oh."
So here I am once again on another lonely night.
I just don't think my H will ever truly get it again. I feel like he has been just so self-absorbed for too long now, and he may never change for anyone let alone hisself. I see myself leaving soon , and I hope H is able to find a woman who is very career-oriented and does not want children at all. Oh -- and she'll have to have no problem with him being out playing cards all night when he wants to.
Sorry. I guess I'm just feeling very sorry for myself right now because I don't think H really is. I don't think he really knows what he's doing to me.
I have tried and tried, but I feel like it's all been for a lost cause.
Thanks for listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
How can I still want to be with such a selfish a**hole? What the heck am I doing in "Piecing" when it clearly seems that I am not piecing? 
Where is the man I fell in love with? The one who fell in love with me, too?
later, but I told him too bad because it's that time of month now. H said, "Damn.....Is that why you were being so mean yesterday?" I said, "No, YOU were being mean." H said, "Oh."
