Trying to find our way to happiness II

[ValerieA]

Hello, everyone.

cally -- Honestly, and SADLY, I have to agree with you about my H being manipulative. This is what he always does, and I KNOW it. I KNOW it, and sadly, I ALLOW it.

Everytime we ever had a huge disagreement/argument in the past, H would use to "calm" me down, to provide a "quick fix". I'm embarrassed to say that this also happened on the morning of the bomb dropping . I find myself allowing this because a few times (in the past) when I would say no, our fight would drag on throughout most of the day and/or night. H would be cold and mean and distant. I couldn't stand it so I go along with it now.

I think H chose to do so even more because of when I said in our convo that I didn't want to be in a "loveless M". H's response to that was, "Well, I was trying to have with you the day before, but you said no. I figured you didn't want any." I told H I was getting ready to feed the kids so it wasn't the best time, and that "I ALWAYS want it! But you're always so MOODY that you seem to never want it anymore."

So yes, H is manipulative. I've known this and felt it for a long time, but I also continue to allow it so I guess I only have myself to blame for that . I've even brought this up to H in the past about how I feel he uses as a quick fix. His reply is always, "I just wanted to make us feel better."

BTW, his tattoos he got last night -- H has lots of them. Not an "overload" though. I don't mind him being out and getting more. It's one of his passions. He would like for me to get a small one, but I'm just too much of a baby . I have no tolerance for pain! I was drugged up for childbirth, too!

He got one tattoo of a symbol that has to do with Pisces (my sign), and the other was 3 letters -- "G F M". H told me about wanting to get those letters tatted on him a few months back. I asked him then what they stood for, and he wouldn't say, but I guessed without telling H what my guess was, and last night I found out that my guess was right.

"G F M" -- "God Forgive Me" -- H said it was his mark for all his sins.

BTW, I'll check out that site, too. Thank you, cally.

-----------------------

Hi, Sage. Thank you for stopping by! I know you have even more asking for your help since you became a moderator, so thanks again for your valued time and wisdom.

JV -- Sorry all this is going on. I think you did really well with what sounds like a painful interaction.

Thank you. Painful, yes. But I am proud to say that it never even got close to being heated as it most likely would've back in the past. I have to thank many here for this, and of course, Michele . I was crying a bit but never became angry, so I am learning to control my "angry" emotions much, much better.

Your h's questioning of you (want me to leave? want to keep feeling like a doormat?) was interesting to me. IMHO, he wasnt suggesting that you ARE a doormat...more that you are feeling like one -- there is a difference, right?

Right, there is a difference.

I don't think H is intentionally trying to treat me like a doormat or make me feel like one, but I do think he knows that he can use the "quick fix" method to settle me down, to hold onto me, to keep me from getting too close to the front door. I don't think H understands what his actions really do to me. His words are what I want to hear, but his actions show differently.

I also think that his "you could have tried to catch me in a lie..." was interesting as well -- because it showed (me, at least) that you weren't trying to trap him AND he wasn't trying to lie.

This had me really confused. I KNOW that I wasn't trying to trap him; that thought never crossed my mind. But I was just really taken aback by this. Didn't know what to make of it coming from H.

Isn't it possible that the two of you are both trying and scared and each pretty gun shy?

Yes, its possible, and this is probably the case.

I know I'VE been trying, and I know H has been trying, too.

I think what makes it really difficult for me is all the constant reminders of his A that seem to keep popping up here and there. All the stuff from Old Navy, the mysterious boxers, and even the Jaguar that H just bought when he called it "pimpin'" (really cool or hot) -- that's exactly what he called his previous car. The one OW rode in. I know it sounds crazy, but when H uses that reference to the car, it hurts and it worries me. Like H perceives the car as a "chick magnet" (????).

I can't say what makes this difficult for H, but I think it has a LOT to do with his depression.

I'm not saying go into this blindly at all but is it all possible that h's desire to move to AZ might be a way for you both to feel as though you're starting over? I can't recall what the draw is for him there but if it's a lifestyle change (better job, less stress, something more in line with life goals) maybe consider it? Or at least consider what his desire to do that might mean in terms of where his head is at?

H said to me earlier today, "I don't know....I thought we could just move to AZ and just start all over. Buy a new house, new cars, new everything. I f***ed up everything here so bad, and I guess that's why I thought moving to AZ was a good idea. I thought it was going to be right."

I don't know. Maybe it would help, maybe not. I just don't know right now.

Thanks again, Sage. It's always very helpful when I hear from you.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[sage]

Are you sure h is being manipulative when he's initiating after an argument? What if he's just being smart and savvy because he realizes that is what Michele calls a "truce trigger" for you guys? (something that ends an argument or signals a peace offering).

It sounds like you h enjoys creating a persona for himself a bit ... maybe he's looking for more admiration and attention?

Sage

[ValerieA]

Sage --

Are you sure h is being manipulative when he's initiating after an argument? What if he's just being smart and savvy because he realizes that is what Michele calls a "truce trigger" for you guys? (something that ends an argument or signals a peace offering).

I never thought about it like that..... Interesting, and it makes a lot of sense. Just like when H asks for a favor after an argument.

I just always thought he WAS being manipulative. Perhaps he's not.

It sounds like you h enjoys creating a persona for himself a bit ... maybe he's looking for more admiration and attention?

Once again, I think you hit the mark, Sage.

We just went through another R talk earlier.

UGH!!! I'm trying to remember his exact words now. I was just sidetracked again (MIL came to get the boys), and I've lost my train of thought.

Ok...H is "down" again, and he's been drinking. I don't know how much because I had just returned home from picking up the boys from school, and H has been out for most of the day.

We were talking, and H said at one point, "You just don't understand. All my life, I've felt like I would never amount to anything. My father beat my a** whenever I stepped out of line, and when we moved in with my grandparents, all they ever did was talk down to me and talk s**t to me."

So....maybe this is why H feels I could find or do better????

H also said, "I don't think you truly get what's happened. I don't think you really understand what I did because you're still with me. You really don't get it.".... What could he mean by this? Yes, of course, I understand that he had an A, but I chose not to give up on us. Is THAT what H doesn't understand? Does he have some preconceived notion that an A should automatically equal a D?

Ok! Back to H's persona -- Sorry, Sage! Like I said, I lost my thoughts !

"Maybe he's looking for more admiration and attention?" -- I believe he is.

H has always made comments about how well my relatives are doing. The properties they own, the new cars every 6 months or so, the starting of small businesses, etc, etc. H would often make remarks like, "Sorry I can't buy you a (house, car, or whatever) like that." I would always look at him like he was crazy, and I would ALWAYS tell him, "I don't care about those things! You've given me more than I could ever dream of having. I'm happy with what we've got," to which he would reply with a "Hmm".....Maybe I should've said "I'm happy with YOU, H"??? And he ALWAYS thinks my family thinks less of him, and they DO NOT!! I've told him this a thousand times!!!

So...how does all this go hand-in-hand? Does H think he isn't amounting to anything for me (or himself) because of how well the rest of my family is doing? Is he hoping for attention and admiration through the Jaguar? Like, "Hey, look. Now I'VE got a nice car. Look at it. Look at me. Admire it. Admire me."......?????

I DO admire H, I always have. Maybe he's looking for it physically???

Another thing before I go: H said he doesn't want to hear me say things like "I'm sorry you feel that way". He said, "I don't know! How about something like, "Damn! Really?! That must suck to feel like that!"

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[cally]

Sage....I understand you could think truce trigger. BUT what about if this person uses as a way to manipulate a situation. I guess I say this because ....

He never changes. He doesn't try to even do the small compromise he agreed to do. He made love to you and sounds like he is back to drinking today. He is back to being out all day. He is out doing whatever it is he is wanting to do. Meanwhile your at home exactly where he wants you to be.

I am sorry but his trip to the Gap is waaaaaay to hurtful. To go to the store when he knows that you know that is where she works. Then wasn't just about a month ago you wanted to go to the mall with him and he said no. he can't even stop at a mall to get you a small token of a gift but can go to the mall and go on a shopping spree for himself in the very store the girl works that he had an affair with. JV I am sorry I am not trying to be all negative. I just feel so bad for you. I was in a marriage like yours before. I guess that is why I felt so compelled to post to you. I can see many of the same behaviors in your husband that my ex had. I can see it has brought you down. I can see how you just go along because your tired of the fight or the grumpy behavior. It's like you want to do anything to make them happy. Just so you can have a peaceful day. You know what the scary part for me is when I finally made the choice to get seperated with my ex and he told me he was manipulating me because he knew he could during the marriage. It was scary because I never knew a person could be that cold.

maybe he said.........

H also said, "I don't think you truly get what's happened. I don't think you really understand what I did because you're still with me. You really don't get it.".... What could he mean by this? Yes, of course, I understand that he had an A, but I chose not to give up on us. Is THAT what H doesn't understand? Does he have some preconceived notion that an A should automatically equal a D?

Maybe he had a physical affair. He just to cowardly to admit it. This statement has to mean something. Did you ask him what he meant by it. I am sure he does feel guilty and horrible. Because I ask you this...what would your husband do if the shoe was on the other foot? Could he forgive you?

Him comparing himself to everyone else and what they have to me is just another sign of depression. I don't think your husband is capable of change without professional help. From and outsider looking you can just see he is up and down and high and low. He is all over the place. Has he always been this way since you were married?

[ValerieA]

Hi there, cally.

No, H hasn't always been like this. At least not since I've known him (12 years). If I ever did any of the stuff he's doing or has done, he said he would leave me. Period. No questions asked, but although he said it, that doesn't mean he would actually do it. Look at me -- I always said that if H cheated on me, I would leave in a heartbeat.....but it's 4 months later and I'm still here.

-----------------------

Journaling:

Well, I would like to say that all is going just fine and dandy, but who would I be trying to kid? Myself?

H was out for the majority of the night on Friday drinking away . He went from (mf)'s place (drank there) to another one of his friend's houses (drank some more there) then over to SIL's for awhile. H went to SIL's because after talking to her earlier, he said he promised her that he would stop by and try to patch things up with his future BIL. H has never "approved" of him (nor has the rest of the family really, but SIL only knows about H not liking him), and since they will be getting married next year, it would mean a lot to her for H to get along with him.

It may be selfish of me to feel this way, but I have to honestly admit that this really made me mad although I didn't say a word. It upset me because SIL knows about our sitch, and I thought it was pretty selfish of her to want H to do this for her knowing about everything we are going through! To make her happy. And without any hesitation, he did.......I've been trying and waiting patiently ( ) for 4 months hoping H would do something for me to make me happy, but I still wait. SIL asked one time and got her wish within that very day. If only it were that easy for me just once.

Anyway, H called me as he was leaving SIL's so I asked if I could speak to her. H said he was already driving away (I know -- very scary) but asked if I wanted him to go back so I could still talk to her. I said yes, I would appreciate it. Then H said, "Why?! You don't believe me?! You need to have proof?!" I said no, I would just like to talk to her for a minute. So he turned back and got her on the phone. All I wanted to do was to ask her if she thought H was ok to be driving. SIL said yes, she knew he was drinking a lot earlier and H had been at her place for the past 2 hours without drinking anything. She said he was alright now.

H got home about 15 minutes later, the kids were asleep already, and the baby was with my parents for the night. H passed out on the couch within 5 minutes of getting here.

I couldn't stand being here with him so I left. Yes, I left S9 and S5 sleeping there with their drunken father , but at that time, I was only thinking that I needed to get out of this house for awhile. I needed to get away from H and collect my thoughts.

After I left, I called the house to leave a message for H in case he woke up and noticed I was gone, but he answered. I said I was just letting him know that I was going to a friend's house for awhile. H said, "You left? Whatever," then hung up on me. I called back and told him I didn't appreciate him doing that. I told him I just needed to get out to which he replied, "Whatever! I don't give a f***!", and he hung up on me again . I shouldn't have called back a third time but I did. I asked him what was his problem, and H said, "I don't have a problem, and I don't give a f*** about what you do tonight. Do whatever you want like you have been for the past 11 years." I said, "And you can just keep blaming me for all of your unhappiness for the past 11 years." Then I hung up.

I was going to stop by my friend's place for awhile, but I wasn't in the best mood so I just went for a drive. Where was I going? I didn't even know myself, but I just kept driving while listening to CDs......my phone rang about 4 times. I never looked at it or answered it.

I returned home about 3 hours later, and H was awake sitting at the computer all showered up. I didn't say a word to him then he started following me around the house (I went to change my clothes and put on my walking shoes because I was going to hit the treadmill -- I haven't been lately ). He began asking me where I went, and I still told him I went to a friend's house. He was asking for more details, but I changed the subject by telling him I was going to go on the treadmill now and I wanted to be left alone.

I was out in the garage then he came out there 30 minutes later and said he wanted to talk to me. I asked him to let me be. Normally I would have dropped whatever I was doing to listen to him, but since he told me earlier that he didn't give a f*** then I guess I felt like showing him the same . After a few minutes, I was done with walking (plus it was getting really late) and H was on his way out the door. I said, "What did you want to say?" H said, "Well, I wanted to talk to you, but you were ignoring me. I'm going over to (mf)'s for awhile unless you want me to stay." (H was saying all this like he was on the verge of tears.) I told H to do whatever he wanted. He looked at me then left. I think he wanted me to tell him to stay, but I really didn't care.

H got home about an hour later. We didn't talk much which was fine with me, but H said, "I don't even remember what started all this. Was I being an a**hole?" I said, "You could say that, yes." H said he was really sorry, and he wanted to know (for the 5th time) what time we were leaving for the zoo in the morning. I told H I would like to leave by 10am. He asked if I still wanted him to go. I said I'm taking the kids regardless of what you decide to do. I told H again that he was welcome to come along.

So....Saturday comes along. We get up, have breakfast, get ready, and get on the road at about 10:30am. I can already see that H is moody, but I am NOT going to let him ruin this day for me or for the kids.

We get to the zoo, and I can already see H noting the admission prices. H asked, "Do you have any kind of coupons or something?" I said sorry, no. A very mini-plus, H said nothing and didn't give me any grief about it.

Things are going ok. We looked at some exhibits then lunchtime rolls around and the kids are hungry so we head to the food court. There's a long line, but H and the kids are waiting patiently. I can feel that H is going to say something about the overpriced food at any moment, and he does. He started "griping" about how much everything was, I didn't want to hear it, so I started saying, "Can we please just eat and enjoy the day? If it's going to cost us $30 or $40 to eat for our entire day out, then so be it." But before I even finished my sentence, H snapped back quietly, "Don't you even f***ing talk to me like that! I don't even want to be here with you!" I was mad and deeply hurt at the same time.

Lunch was pretty quiet except for the kids. Thankfully, they were oblivious to what was really going on. H and I were smiling and laughing with them as much as possible.

We continued on with our visit to the zoo, and the lion exhibit was worth all the money spent in my eyes! Everytime we've ever gone to the zoo, the lions are always sleeping or they are too far to get a really good look at. Yesterday, the male walked right up to the front of the cage! I got some great pics! OMG -- he was HUGE!!!!! And so AMAZING! Truly amazing! That was the most positive moment for us. H was in awe, and in a really good mood for just that moment.

Later, we stopped at one of those souvenir photo booths. H wanted a photo of him and the boys. When they were done, I took one with the boys, too. As we were walking away, H asked, "Do you want one of just me and you?" I said it was up to him.....and we kept walking.

After the zoo, we went across the street to the park. The boys really enjoyed that.

Then we headed back home, and H was already on his phone making plans to go to (mf)'s house to watch the UFC fights and possibly go to a nearby Indian casino after taking the boys to see "Star Wars". Needless to say, I was bothered by this, but what could I do?

We got home, I told H I was going to go get my nails done since I didn't get to earlier in the week then I would be going to pick up the baby before coming back home. He said ok.

I get my nails done, go get the baby, and as I'm getting ready to leave my parents' house, I notice my back tire is completely flat ! I called H to let him know that I may need his help if my stepdad can't change the tire for me, and he said alright but he sounded like he really didn't want to have to come over there. So my stepdad filled it with more air and found a nail in the tire, and it was leaking pretty good. I called H and he said he was already on his way. He was going to take the boys to see the movie, but now he was just going to stop and get some "Fix-a-Flat" to put in the tire, so he would take them tomorrow since they were going to miss the beginning by now. I said sorry, but thank you.

So we handled the tire, and H was moody about that.

We got home shortly after then while I was cleaning up the dishes in the sink, H said, "I'm going over to (mf)'s to watch the UFC then I want to go out to the Creek (the Indian casino) if you don't mind." I was quiet for a bit and he asked again. I said, "I DO mind, but if that's what you want then go ahead."

OK....there's more to this post, but I have to go right now. I'll try to finish when they go to the movies later today.

Thanks for listening to this LOOOONG post .

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[dodgermf]

H said, "You left? Whatever," then hung up on me...

"Whatever! I don't give a f***!", and he hung up on me again...

H said, "I don't have a problem, and I don't give a f*** about what you do tonight. Do whatever you want like you have been for the past 11 years."

JV,

"Was I being an a**hole? YA THINK!!!!!!!

That had to be the STUPIDEST question anyone has ever uttered!! I give you all the credit in the world for keeping it together. I've read a lot of posts on your thread from other people giving advice and opinions and I've kept quiet...until now. Your H worries me and I'm 400 miles away. I don't know how to diagnose but in my opinion, this guy needs pshycological help. I don't know how you're going to get him to go but he's got to go. I think over the last few months, you've put up with a lot of sh** and that's commendable, but I've said it before and I'll say it again...

PLEASE BE CAREFUL!!!

If anyone out there thinks I'm over-reacting, I'm sorry but that's just my take. Take care JV...

DMF

[cally]

Then there is also this quote from him....

"Don't you even f***ing talk to me like that! I don't even want to be here with you!"

Dodge I agree with you. I don't think you are over reacting at all.

JV....... Good for you hun. I think you did great!!!! You went out and had some alone time and gave him something to think about for a change. You handled yourself well at the zoo and didn'tlet the crabby butt spoil your day. You sounded very very confident. Almost like a complete turn around.

Have you ever told him that you don't appreciate him talking to you the way he does?

Maybe next time he plans to go gambling you could say sorry I really needed you to watch your children tonight because I had plans. Boy that would blow his mind.

[cally]

JV Just one more thing....Does he always complain about prices like that? I mean it was a family fun day. I am sure he wouldn't be complaing if it was gambling, or buying himself a tatoo, or a shopping spree on clothes for himself. ARGH! Glad you were able to have fun anyway.

[ValerieA]

Hello, D -- I don't think you're overreacting at all. My H has had this kind of attitude ("whatever, blah blah blah") for as long as I can remember. It's just been at its worst for the past year and especially over the past several months.

I know he needs help, and I think he knows it, too, but he won't admit it. Even if he did, I still don't think he would do anything about it. I looked into the Baker Act and it's based in FL. I couldn't find anything pertaining to CA's laws on this (if there is anything similar at all). Actually there is, but it all had to do with law enforcement officers. I may have to take a trip or make a phone call to the courthouse for more information.

Right now, I just don't feel or think there is anything I can do to really help him.

-------------------

Journaling (cont.):

Ok...so H asked if I minded him going out, and I told him I did but if that's what he wanted then to go ahead with it.

H said, "Why do you mind?" I told him, "If you want to go to (mf)'s to watch the fights, I'm fine with that, but I'm not ok with you going to the Creek since you told me earlier this week that you were going to be home for the rest of the time you're here before you have to leave for AZ again." H said, "Well it's not like I'm going to play cards. I'm only going to go for a couple hours. I just want to check it out."

"Well it's not like I'm going to play cards." -- Really? I thought that was the whole idea of going to a casino? Does my H really think I'm that gullible? Do I appear to be that stupid? Geez, I must if he thought I would believe that crap.

So he started asking me again why I minded, and I told him I already explained myself to him. H didn't say anything else other than, "I'm going over to (mf)'s, and I'll call you later."

A couple of hours later (the kids were already in bed), I was writing a letter to H telling him all of my thoughts and feelings. I felt that I was going to give him this one. Maybe he needed to see my words on paper because I felt he just wasn't getting it audibly. He wasn't hearing me.

So in the midst of my letter, the phone rings and it's H. He asked, once again, if I minded he go to the Creek. I had had it. I couldn't take it anymore.

I said everything I wrote in my letter to him. H made a comment earlier before he left to go to (mf)'s house that he didn't know when he started feeling that everything wasn't alright anymore in our R. Over the phone, I told H I believe he started feeling this way when we found out I was pregnant with (baby). I think he had expectations for me to get a job once S5 got into school full-time, but with having another baby, he knew this would have to wait at least another few years. H said, "Yep, you're right. I wanted to say that to you, but what good would it have done?" I told him it would have done a lot of good because he would have said something about how he felt instead of keeping his mouth shut all that time like he said he was doing. I told him if he would have told me more, then things might not have happened like they did.

I also told him I was thinking about how he thought I didn't really understand what he did because I'm still with him. I told H that I DO understand what he did, but I chose not to give up on the M. I told him I know he's still carrying a ton of guilt, and he will never be free of it if he doesn't learn to let go. H said, "I can't. You just don't get it." I said, "What do I not get, H? I get that you had an affair. You had a relationship with a member of the opposite sex that didn't involve me. You thought you could have that "friendship" as long as I didn't know about it (H's exact words when the bomb dropped). I understand that all happened, but I still chose to stay with you and try to work on our problems."

I also was talking to H about how he felt I didn't love him for so long. I told him people express their love for others in different ways, and they might also feel loved in different ways from that. I told H that I always knew he loved me because he always showed me he loved me in the ways I needed to know it and feel it. I told him I always loved him, too, but maybe I wasn't showing him that I did in the way he wanted to know and feel it. H said nothing.

I told H that he keeps telling me what I WANT to hear, but I don't SEE him doing any of it. I brought up how he told me during his last trip to AZ that he said he wanted to "spend the rest of his life making me happy and making things up to me." H said, "I still do!" I told him since he has stopped doing what it takes for me to feel loved, I now feel undesired, unwanted, unhappy, and unloved. Then H said, "You should've left me a long time ago. You should've left me when you wanted to (the day of the bomb)." H said he was going to stay at (mf)'s house for a bit more then he would be coming home, and he asked me to wait up for him.

H got in about an hour later while I was nearly falling asleep on the couch. He was watching TV while eating a snack sitting on the floor in front of me. He kept bumping me and playfully hitting me with me a towel. I told him to knock it off because I wasn't in the mood for this. H asked what I was talking about, and I told him I just didn't feel like being bothered. He kept at it with the towel! I swear he's like a pestering little imp sometimes! I told him to stop again because I wasn't in the mood for any of his BS. H said, "I'll do what I want when I want. If you don't leave me, then you've got no one else to blame but yourself. It's your choice." I said what's that supposed to mean, and H said, "Oh, I'm only kidding with you! Relax. I didn't mean anything by it.".......

Later we went to bed, and I was just so OVERLY worn out about everything. I laid there on my side, H was on his, and I felt like we were thousands of miles apart . I told H that I felt he should leave. I told him that he is so unhappy being here, and if he's going to always be this way, then I don't see how I will ever be happy. H hadn't said a word. I then said, "I really think you should leave, but you're probably not even listening to me as usual." Then H said, "I am listening, but I'm trying to get some sleep. So just keep talking all the s**t you want."..... ........ I cried myself to sleep last night.

This morning H got up before any of us and told me he would be back later. He didn't say where he was going nor did I bother asking.

H came back a few hours later, took another shower (looked like maybe he went to the gym), and then took the kids to the movie.

They just got back about 30 minutes ago, and it appears as if H is trying to be pleasant. He offered to make me something to eat about 7 times, and I kept saying no thank you.

H also saw me on the computer typing away and asked what I was doing, and I told him I was just writing down my thoughts. He asked, "Well, how about you tell me your thoughts?" I said, "I already have. Many times." H said, "Tell me again." I said, "Maybe later. I want to finish this first."

He has made numerous attempts to get my attention away from posting, but I have just asked for him to leave me alone so that I can finish doing what I feel like doing. He just now left me alone, and I think he's in the shower again -- probably getting sick .

So.....I told H I feel he should leave, but I have a feeling it's going to have to come to a point where I'll be forcing him to do so because he's still here and acting like last night (or anything else) never happened.

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[cally]

Your husband said this...

"I'll do what I want when I want. If you don't leave me, then you've got no one else to blame but yourself. It's your choice."

Sounds to me like a threat. Like he can do what he wants and you will just have to deal with it. ARGH!! He is soooooooo in need of counseling. He is really good at blaming others. So to me he is also saying he don't feel bad for his actions or how he treats you because you are to blame because you should have left him.

I think he is acting like all is okay because I am sure he expects JV is going to cave in. I would just stick to your guns and just follow your heart. Your heart will lead you in the right direction.

Maybe this will be the jolt he needs to get some counseling or some kind of professional help. I am honestly afraid he will become violent in the direction he seems to be headed in.