Trying to find our way to happiness II

[ValerieA]

Hello, D -- I don't think you're overreacting at all. My H has had this kind of attitude ("whatever, blah blah blah") for as long as I can remember. It's just been at its worst for the past year and especially over the past several months.

I know he needs help, and I think he knows it, too, but he won't admit it. Even if he did, I still don't think he would do anything about it. I looked into the Baker Act and it's based in FL. I couldn't find anything pertaining to CA's laws on this (if there is anything similar at all). Actually there is, but it all had to do with law enforcement officers. I may have to take a trip or make a phone call to the courthouse for more information.

Right now, I just don't feel or think there is anything I can do to really help him.

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Journaling (cont.):

Ok...so H asked if I minded him going out, and I told him I did but if that's what he wanted then to go ahead with it.

H said, "Why do you mind?" I told him, "If you want to go to (mf)'s to watch the fights, I'm fine with that, but I'm not ok with you going to the Creek since you told me earlier this week that you were going to be home for the rest of the time you're here before you have to leave for AZ again." H said, "Well it's not like I'm going to play cards. I'm only going to go for a couple hours. I just want to check it out."

"Well it's not like I'm going to play cards." -- Really? I thought that was the whole idea of going to a casino? Does my H really think I'm that gullible? Do I appear to be that stupid? Geez, I must if he thought I would believe that crap.

So he started asking me again why I minded, and I told him I already explained myself to him. H didn't say anything else other than, "I'm going over to (mf)'s, and I'll call you later."

A couple of hours later (the kids were already in bed), I was writing a letter to H telling him all of my thoughts and feelings. I felt that I was going to give him this one. Maybe he needed to see my words on paper because I felt he just wasn't getting it audibly. He wasn't hearing me.

So in the midst of my letter, the phone rings and it's H. He asked, once again, if I minded he go to the Creek. I had had it. I couldn't take it anymore.

I said everything I wrote in my letter to him. H made a comment earlier before he left to go to (mf)'s house that he didn't know when he started feeling that everything wasn't alright anymore in our R. Over the phone, I told H I believe he started feeling this way when we found out I was pregnant with (baby). I think he had expectations for me to get a job once S5 got into school full-time, but with having another baby, he knew this would have to wait at least another few years. H said, "Yep, you're right. I wanted to say that to you, but what good would it have done?" I told him it would have done a lot of good because he would have said something about how he felt instead of keeping his mouth shut all that time like he said he was doing. I told him if he would have told me more, then things might not have happened like they did.

I also told him I was thinking about how he thought I didn't really understand what he did because I'm still with him. I told H that I DO understand what he did, but I chose not to give up on the M. I told him I know he's still carrying a ton of guilt, and he will never be free of it if he doesn't learn to let go. H said, "I can't. You just don't get it." I said, "What do I not get, H? I get that you had an affair. You had a relationship with a member of the opposite sex that didn't involve me. You thought you could have that "friendship" as long as I didn't know about it (H's exact words when the bomb dropped). I understand that all happened, but I still chose to stay with you and try to work on our problems."

I also was talking to H about how he felt I didn't love him for so long. I told him people express their love for others in different ways, and they might also feel loved in different ways from that. I told H that I always knew he loved me because he always showed me he loved me in the ways I needed to know it and feel it. I told him I always loved him, too, but maybe I wasn't showing him that I did in the way he wanted to know and feel it. H said nothing.

I told H that he keeps telling me what I WANT to hear, but I don't SEE him doing any of it. I brought up how he told me during his last trip to AZ that he said he wanted to "spend the rest of his life making me happy and making things up to me." H said, "I still do!" I told him since he has stopped doing what it takes for me to feel loved, I now feel undesired, unwanted, unhappy, and unloved. Then H said, "You should've left me a long time ago. You should've left me when you wanted to (the day of the bomb)." H said he was going to stay at (mf)'s house for a bit more then he would be coming home, and he asked me to wait up for him.

H got in about an hour later while I was nearly falling asleep on the couch. He was watching TV while eating a snack sitting on the floor in front of me. He kept bumping me and playfully hitting me with me a towel. I told him to knock it off because I wasn't in the mood for this. H asked what I was talking about, and I told him I just didn't feel like being bothered. He kept at it with the towel! I swear he's like a pestering little imp sometimes! I told him to stop again because I wasn't in the mood for any of his BS. H said, "I'll do what I want when I want. If you don't leave me, then you've got no one else to blame but yourself. It's your choice." I said what's that supposed to mean, and H said, "Oh, I'm only kidding with you! Relax. I didn't mean anything by it.".......

Later we went to bed, and I was just so OVERLY worn out about everything. I laid there on my side, H was on his, and I felt like we were thousands of miles apart . I told H that I felt he should leave. I told him that he is so unhappy being here, and if he's going to always be this way, then I don't see how I will ever be happy. H hadn't said a word. I then said, "I really think you should leave, but you're probably not even listening to me as usual." Then H said, "I am listening, but I'm trying to get some sleep. So just keep talking all the s**t you want."..... ........ I cried myself to sleep last night.

This morning H got up before any of us and told me he would be back later. He didn't say where he was going nor did I bother asking.

H came back a few hours later, took another shower (looked like maybe he went to the gym), and then took the kids to the movie.

They just got back about 30 minutes ago, and it appears as if H is trying to be pleasant. He offered to make me something to eat about 7 times, and I kept saying no thank you.

H also saw me on the computer typing away and asked what I was doing, and I told him I was just writing down my thoughts. He asked, "Well, how about you tell me your thoughts?" I said, "I already have. Many times." H said, "Tell me again." I said, "Maybe later. I want to finish this first."

He has made numerous attempts to get my attention away from posting, but I have just asked for him to leave me alone so that I can finish doing what I feel like doing. He just now left me alone, and I think he's in the shower again -- probably getting sick .

So.....I told H I feel he should leave, but I have a feeling it's going to have to come to a point where I'll be forcing him to do so because he's still here and acting like last night (or anything else) never happened.

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."