Trying to find our way to happiness II

[ValerieA]

Hi there, cally.

No, H hasn't always been like this. At least not since I've known him (12 years). If I ever did any of the stuff he's doing or has done, he said he would leave me. Period. No questions asked, but although he said it, that doesn't mean he would actually do it. Look at me -- I always said that if H cheated on me, I would leave in a heartbeat.....but it's 4 months later and I'm still here.

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Journaling:

Well, I would like to say that all is going just fine and dandy, but who would I be trying to kid? Myself?

H was out for the majority of the night on Friday drinking away . He went from (mf)'s place (drank there) to another one of his friend's houses (drank some more there) then over to SIL's for awhile. H went to SIL's because after talking to her earlier, he said he promised her that he would stop by and try to patch things up with his future BIL. H has never "approved" of him (nor has the rest of the family really, but SIL only knows about H not liking him), and since they will be getting married next year, it would mean a lot to her for H to get along with him.

It may be selfish of me to feel this way, but I have to honestly admit that this really made me mad although I didn't say a word. It upset me because SIL knows about our sitch, and I thought it was pretty selfish of her to want H to do this for her knowing about everything we are going through! To make her happy. And without any hesitation, he did.......I've been trying and waiting patiently ( ) for 4 months hoping H would do something for me to make me happy, but I still wait. SIL asked one time and got her wish within that very day. If only it were that easy for me just once.

Anyway, H called me as he was leaving SIL's so I asked if I could speak to her. H said he was already driving away (I know -- very scary) but asked if I wanted him to go back so I could still talk to her. I said yes, I would appreciate it. Then H said, "Why?! You don't believe me?! You need to have proof?!" I said no, I would just like to talk to her for a minute. So he turned back and got her on the phone. All I wanted to do was to ask her if she thought H was ok to be driving. SIL said yes, she knew he was drinking a lot earlier and H had been at her place for the past 2 hours without drinking anything. She said he was alright now.

H got home about 15 minutes later, the kids were asleep already, and the baby was with my parents for the night. H passed out on the couch within 5 minutes of getting here.

I couldn't stand being here with him so I left. Yes, I left S9 and S5 sleeping there with their drunken father , but at that time, I was only thinking that I needed to get out of this house for awhile. I needed to get away from H and collect my thoughts.

After I left, I called the house to leave a message for H in case he woke up and noticed I was gone, but he answered. I said I was just letting him know that I was going to a friend's house for awhile. H said, "You left? Whatever," then hung up on me. I called back and told him I didn't appreciate him doing that. I told him I just needed to get out to which he replied, "Whatever! I don't give a f***!", and he hung up on me again . I shouldn't have called back a third time but I did. I asked him what was his problem, and H said, "I don't have a problem, and I don't give a f*** about what you do tonight. Do whatever you want like you have been for the past 11 years." I said, "And you can just keep blaming me for all of your unhappiness for the past 11 years." Then I hung up.

I was going to stop by my friend's place for awhile, but I wasn't in the best mood so I just went for a drive. Where was I going? I didn't even know myself, but I just kept driving while listening to CDs......my phone rang about 4 times. I never looked at it or answered it.

I returned home about 3 hours later, and H was awake sitting at the computer all showered up. I didn't say a word to him then he started following me around the house (I went to change my clothes and put on my walking shoes because I was going to hit the treadmill -- I haven't been lately ). He began asking me where I went, and I still told him I went to a friend's house. He was asking for more details, but I changed the subject by telling him I was going to go on the treadmill now and I wanted to be left alone.

I was out in the garage then he came out there 30 minutes later and said he wanted to talk to me. I asked him to let me be. Normally I would have dropped whatever I was doing to listen to him, but since he told me earlier that he didn't give a f*** then I guess I felt like showing him the same . After a few minutes, I was done with walking (plus it was getting really late) and H was on his way out the door. I said, "What did you want to say?" H said, "Well, I wanted to talk to you, but you were ignoring me. I'm going over to (mf)'s for awhile unless you want me to stay." (H was saying all this like he was on the verge of tears.) I told H to do whatever he wanted. He looked at me then left. I think he wanted me to tell him to stay, but I really didn't care.

H got home about an hour later. We didn't talk much which was fine with me, but H said, "I don't even remember what started all this. Was I being an a**hole?" I said, "You could say that, yes." H said he was really sorry, and he wanted to know (for the 5th time) what time we were leaving for the zoo in the morning. I told H I would like to leave by 10am. He asked if I still wanted him to go. I said I'm taking the kids regardless of what you decide to do. I told H again that he was welcome to come along.

So....Saturday comes along. We get up, have breakfast, get ready, and get on the road at about 10:30am. I can already see that H is moody, but I am NOT going to let him ruin this day for me or for the kids.

We get to the zoo, and I can already see H noting the admission prices. H asked, "Do you have any kind of coupons or something?" I said sorry, no. A very mini-plus, H said nothing and didn't give me any grief about it.

Things are going ok. We looked at some exhibits then lunchtime rolls around and the kids are hungry so we head to the food court. There's a long line, but H and the kids are waiting patiently. I can feel that H is going to say something about the overpriced food at any moment, and he does. He started "griping" about how much everything was, I didn't want to hear it, so I started saying, "Can we please just eat and enjoy the day? If it's going to cost us $30 or $40 to eat for our entire day out, then so be it." But before I even finished my sentence, H snapped back quietly, "Don't you even f***ing talk to me like that! I don't even want to be here with you!" I was mad and deeply hurt at the same time.

Lunch was pretty quiet except for the kids. Thankfully, they were oblivious to what was really going on. H and I were smiling and laughing with them as much as possible.

We continued on with our visit to the zoo, and the lion exhibit was worth all the money spent in my eyes! Everytime we've ever gone to the zoo, the lions are always sleeping or they are too far to get a really good look at. Yesterday, the male walked right up to the front of the cage! I got some great pics! OMG -- he was HUGE!!!!! And so AMAZING! Truly amazing! That was the most positive moment for us. H was in awe, and in a really good mood for just that moment.

Later, we stopped at one of those souvenir photo booths. H wanted a photo of him and the boys. When they were done, I took one with the boys, too. As we were walking away, H asked, "Do you want one of just me and you?" I said it was up to him.....and we kept walking.

After the zoo, we went across the street to the park. The boys really enjoyed that.

Then we headed back home, and H was already on his phone making plans to go to (mf)'s house to watch the UFC fights and possibly go to a nearby Indian casino after taking the boys to see "Star Wars". Needless to say, I was bothered by this, but what could I do?

We got home, I told H I was going to go get my nails done since I didn't get to earlier in the week then I would be going to pick up the baby before coming back home. He said ok.

I get my nails done, go get the baby, and as I'm getting ready to leave my parents' house, I notice my back tire is completely flat ! I called H to let him know that I may need his help if my stepdad can't change the tire for me, and he said alright but he sounded like he really didn't want to have to come over there. So my stepdad filled it with more air and found a nail in the tire, and it was leaking pretty good. I called H and he said he was already on his way. He was going to take the boys to see the movie, but now he was just going to stop and get some "Fix-a-Flat" to put in the tire, so he would take them tomorrow since they were going to miss the beginning by now. I said sorry, but thank you.

So we handled the tire, and H was moody about that.

We got home shortly after then while I was cleaning up the dishes in the sink, H said, "I'm going over to (mf)'s to watch the UFC then I want to go out to the Creek (the Indian casino) if you don't mind." I was quiet for a bit and he asked again. I said, "I DO mind, but if that's what you want then go ahead."

OK....there's more to this post, but I have to go right now. I'll try to finish when they go to the movies later today.

Thanks for listening to this LOOOONG post .

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."