Trying to find our way to happiness II

[ValerieA]

Sage --

Are you sure h is being manipulative when he's initiating after an argument? What if he's just being smart and savvy because he realizes that is what Michele calls a "truce trigger" for you guys? (something that ends an argument or signals a peace offering).

I never thought about it like that..... Interesting, and it makes a lot of sense. Just like when H asks for a favor after an argument.

I just always thought he WAS being manipulative. Perhaps he's not.

It sounds like you h enjoys creating a persona for himself a bit ... maybe he's looking for more admiration and attention?

Once again, I think you hit the mark, Sage.

We just went through another R talk earlier.

UGH!!! I'm trying to remember his exact words now. I was just sidetracked again (MIL came to get the boys), and I've lost my train of thought.

Ok...H is "down" again, and he's been drinking. I don't know how much because I had just returned home from picking up the boys from school, and H has been out for most of the day.

We were talking, and H said at one point, "You just don't understand. All my life, I've felt like I would never amount to anything. My father beat my a** whenever I stepped out of line, and when we moved in with my grandparents, all they ever did was talk down to me and talk s**t to me."

So....maybe this is why H feels I could find or do better????

H also said, "I don't think you truly get what's happened. I don't think you really understand what I did because you're still with me. You really don't get it.".... What could he mean by this? Yes, of course, I understand that he had an A, but I chose not to give up on us. Is THAT what H doesn't understand? Does he have some preconceived notion that an A should automatically equal a D?

Ok! Back to H's persona -- Sorry, Sage! Like I said, I lost my thoughts !

"Maybe he's looking for more admiration and attention?" -- I believe he is.

H has always made comments about how well my relatives are doing. The properties they own, the new cars every 6 months or so, the starting of small businesses, etc, etc. H would often make remarks like, "Sorry I can't buy you a (house, car, or whatever) like that." I would always look at him like he was crazy, and I would ALWAYS tell him, "I don't care about those things! You've given me more than I could ever dream of having. I'm happy with what we've got," to which he would reply with a "Hmm".....Maybe I should've said "I'm happy with YOU, H"??? And he ALWAYS thinks my family thinks less of him, and they DO NOT!! I've told him this a thousand times!!!

So...how does all this go hand-in-hand? Does H think he isn't amounting to anything for me (or himself) because of how well the rest of my family is doing? Is he hoping for attention and admiration through the Jaguar? Like, "Hey, look. Now I'VE got a nice car. Look at it. Look at me. Admire it. Admire me."......?????

I DO admire H, I always have. Maybe he's looking for it physically???

Another thing before I go: H said he doesn't want to hear me say things like "I'm sorry you feel that way". He said, "I don't know! How about something like, "Damn! Really?! That must suck to feel like that!"

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."