Trying to find our way to happiness II

[ValerieA]

Hello, everyone.

cally -- Honestly, and SADLY, I have to agree with you about my H being manipulative. This is what he always does, and I KNOW it. I KNOW it, and sadly, I ALLOW it.

Everytime we ever had a huge disagreement/argument in the past, H would use to "calm" me down, to provide a "quick fix". I'm embarrassed to say that this also happened on the morning of the bomb dropping . I find myself allowing this because a few times (in the past) when I would say no, our fight would drag on throughout most of the day and/or night. H would be cold and mean and distant. I couldn't stand it so I go along with it now.

I think H chose to do so even more because of when I said in our convo that I didn't want to be in a "loveless M". H's response to that was, "Well, I was trying to have with you the day before, but you said no. I figured you didn't want any." I told H I was getting ready to feed the kids so it wasn't the best time, and that "I ALWAYS want it! But you're always so MOODY that you seem to never want it anymore."

So yes, H is manipulative. I've known this and felt it for a long time, but I also continue to allow it so I guess I only have myself to blame for that . I've even brought this up to H in the past about how I feel he uses as a quick fix. His reply is always, "I just wanted to make us feel better."

BTW, his tattoos he got last night -- H has lots of them. Not an "overload" though. I don't mind him being out and getting more. It's one of his passions. He would like for me to get a small one, but I'm just too much of a baby . I have no tolerance for pain! I was drugged up for childbirth, too!

He got one tattoo of a symbol that has to do with Pisces (my sign), and the other was 3 letters -- "G F M". H told me about wanting to get those letters tatted on him a few months back. I asked him then what they stood for, and he wouldn't say, but I guessed without telling H what my guess was, and last night I found out that my guess was right.

"G F M" -- "God Forgive Me" -- H said it was his mark for all his sins.

BTW, I'll check out that site, too. Thank you, cally.

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Hi, Sage. Thank you for stopping by! I know you have even more asking for your help since you became a moderator, so thanks again for your valued time and wisdom.

JV -- Sorry all this is going on. I think you did really well with what sounds like a painful interaction.

Thank you. Painful, yes. But I am proud to say that it never even got close to being heated as it most likely would've back in the past. I have to thank many here for this, and of course, Michele . I was crying a bit but never became angry, so I am learning to control my "angry" emotions much, much better.

Your h's questioning of you (want me to leave? want to keep feeling like a doormat?) was interesting to me. IMHO, he wasnt suggesting that you ARE a doormat...more that you are feeling like one -- there is a difference, right?

Right, there is a difference.

I don't think H is intentionally trying to treat me like a doormat or make me feel like one, but I do think he knows that he can use the "quick fix" method to settle me down, to hold onto me, to keep me from getting too close to the front door. I don't think H understands what his actions really do to me. His words are what I want to hear, but his actions show differently.

I also think that his "you could have tried to catch me in a lie..." was interesting as well -- because it showed (me, at least) that you weren't trying to trap him AND he wasn't trying to lie.

This had me really confused. I KNOW that I wasn't trying to trap him; that thought never crossed my mind. But I was just really taken aback by this. Didn't know what to make of it coming from H.

Isn't it possible that the two of you are both trying and scared and each pretty gun shy?

Yes, its possible, and this is probably the case.

I know I'VE been trying, and I know H has been trying, too.

I think what makes it really difficult for me is all the constant reminders of his A that seem to keep popping up here and there. All the stuff from Old Navy, the mysterious boxers, and even the Jaguar that H just bought when he called it "pimpin'" (really cool or hot) -- that's exactly what he called his previous car. The one OW rode in. I know it sounds crazy, but when H uses that reference to the car, it hurts and it worries me. Like H perceives the car as a "chick magnet" (????).

I can't say what makes this difficult for H, but I think it has a LOT to do with his depression.

I'm not saying go into this blindly at all but is it all possible that h's desire to move to AZ might be a way for you both to feel as though you're starting over? I can't recall what the draw is for him there but if it's a lifestyle change (better job, less stress, something more in line with life goals) maybe consider it? Or at least consider what his desire to do that might mean in terms of where his head is at?

H said to me earlier today, "I don't know....I thought we could just move to AZ and just start all over. Buy a new house, new cars, new everything. I f***ed up everything here so bad, and I guess that's why I thought moving to AZ was a good idea. I thought it was going to be right."

I don't know. Maybe it would help, maybe not. I just don't know right now.

Thanks again, Sage. It's always very helpful when I hear from you.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."