Trying to find our way to happiness II

[ValerieA]

Thank you again, cally. I will check out the thread you mentioned. ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

I know some here may disagree with the way I handled the sitch earlier. It probably wasn't considered good DBing, but I do feel so much better letting go of it all and knowing that H knows exactly how I feel now.

After he took the kids bowling and mini-golfing, they came back and H made them all something to eat before taking S5's friend home. The baby was napping so I was laying on the couch for a moment. H came into the living room and laid down with me. He kissed my neck a few times, and I rubbed his back a bit.

A few moments later, H whispered, "I don't know what to do, JV........Do you want me to leave?" I was very hesitant to answer. I felt like saying yes and no. H asked again and said that if I did then he would. I let out a sigh and said, "No....I don't WANT you to leave." H said, "Do you want to keep feeling like a doormat?" I said, "NO, I don't WANT that either." Then H whispered, "Well I know this probably isn't the right time for this, but can we have please?".........Well, I'm almost ashamed to say that I couldn't refuse . It HAS been awhile since we last had , and what better way to release built-up stress ?

Afterwards, we went back into the living room, and I started helping S9 with his homework. I looked over at H and noticed he was looking at me then he asked, "Are you ok with what just happened?" I said yes, I was just fine.

H left to take S5's friend home then came back to take S9 to Tae Kwon Do. H called a few minutes after leaving again and said, "I wanted to let you know that after I drop S9 off, I'm going to (mutual friend)'s to talk to him, but I'll be on time to pick up S9 when he gets out, ok?" I said ok, thank you.

I figured he was going to talk to (mf) about moving in with him as I suggested.

H came back to the house earlier so I said I thought he was going to (mf)'s, and H said he wasn't home. Then he left to get S9.

When they got home, H took a shower and when he was done, he said he had an appointment at 8:30pm at the tattoo parlor a few streets away. H told me about the tats he wanted to get and asked what I thought about them. I told him they sounded cool. H said, "Alright. You can call me on my cell if you want to. I'll have it on me." Then he came over to me, put his forehead against mine, gave me an eskimo kiss then a small one on the lips.

H called me about 30 minutes after he left and said the tattoo guy was still working on the previous customer, so it would be about another 35 minutes until he would start on H, and H's tats would take about an hour and a half to do. H said, "I was going to come back home for a bit, but I figured I'd just wait. These guys are pretty cool in here." H told me to call him if I wanted to, and he would call me when he left there to see if I wanted him to stop for anything.

So........I said what I felt I had to say to H. I know he heard me, and I'm hoping he is taking me VERY seriously. Like I told H, I don't WANT him to leave, but I don't WANT to have this type of R any longer.

I'm still expecting H to talk to (mf) and leave. THIS expectation is the only kind I would want to be crushed. But I am preparing myself for H to leave this time so I can be ready for it.

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."