Trying to find our way to happiness II

[ValerieA]

Well....more DID happen to push me over the edge.

I went to put a load of laundry into the washer and saw that there were wet clothes in it, so I put them into the dryer. I assumed they were the clothes that H took with him over the weekend; he usually puts his dirty laundry from such trips into the washer and many times forgets about putting them into the dryer.

When they were done drying and I began folding, I came across 2 more pair of boxers H never had before and 2 new shirts from where else? Right -- Old Navy . I KNOW there is NO way H got these from XXXXXX.

I wasn't mad. Just really hurt. Really hurt, and tired of all of this.

H came home shortly after my discovery with the boys and S5's friend. He took S9 out of class early to take them bowling. I couldn't look at him or even talk to him. H was talking to me but I don't even think he noticed I wasn't really paying attention.

A little bit later, I was putting more clothes away in our room when H came in there and said that they were leaving now. I didn't acknowledge him so he said, "Ok?" I said uh huh. H asked what's wrong now, ....... and I told him this wasn't the best time since there was somebody else here (S5's friend). H said no, just tell him, so I did.

I told H I'm tired of feeling like a friggin' doormat. He asked what I meant by that. I told him I'm tired of feeling like he is always keeping things from me. I feel like he's continuing to do what he wants when he sets foot out the door knowing that I'm sitting at home. I told H, "So....you win. You've been wishing for me to leave you, so you win. I'm done living like this with you."

H asked what brought all this on, so I showed him the stuff from Old Navy and the shirt that XXXXXX supposedly gave to him. He said that XXXXXX did give him that shirt, and yes, he did go to Old Navy but not to go see OW. He said he stopped there with (bf) before they left to Oregon.

H also said that he didn't feel or think he was treating me like a doormat. He added that he feels like one, too. I told H that he should figure out where to go. I told him to talk to (mutual friend) again to see if he could stay there.

I also told H I feel like he is only here because he's afraid to hurt me by telling me he wants to leave. H said, "What if I'm afraid of just leaving?" I said that, too. H said, "I'm still here because I thought it was right. I thought I could try to make myself want to be here." I told H then you probably shouldn't be here.

H asked, "What about selling the house and moving to AZ?" I said I didn't think that would be a good idea. Things are so not right, and I would hate to go there knowing that. I told H I would be so upset if we had moved all that way and things somehow got worse or never better. H said, "Well, how about just renting out the house and if things don't work out, we can come back, you move back into the house, and I'll have to find a place?"

I was shaking my head "no" and said, "You seem to be so concerned with "cashing in" on the house.....I don't want this kind of relationship anymore. I hate feeling like I'm in this alone. Like I'm in a loveless marriage." H said, "(sigh).....I'm sorry, JV. I've been trying."

I told H that maybe it's best that he go. H asked, "Is that the right thing to do?" I said I don't know. I just know this isn't right. H said, "But what about my family?" I said I don't know. I just feel like I have nothing to give him, like I can never make him feel happy again. H said he doesn't think he'll ever be happy no matter what happens.

H also said this was kind of weird timing. H said he was thinking earlier of going to a quiet spot like the library to write me a letter.

During the whole convo, H was rubbing my legs and hugging them and me from time to time. He rested his head in my lap a few times. I couldn't touch him.

I asked H to go now with the boys so I could check on the baby. I didn't need for them to see that I had been crying. Before he did, H said, "I need you to know and believe me that I did not go to Old Navy to see OW. That is so over, and I thought I made it clear. I swear on everything." I didn't say anything.

Towards the end, H asked, "Let me ask you something....Do you know if you still love me or not? Just tell me the truth." I hesitated for awhile, and H asked again. I told H yes, that I know I still do, but I'm ready to let him go. He didn't say anything after that but he gave me a few small kisses on the lips and around my face.

Then he said, "You know, if you really wanted to catch me in a lie, you should have said something like, "Hey, Old Navy is having a big sale this weekend, " to get me to say, "Really? Let's go. I haven't been there in a long time," then pointed out the shirts to me....I'm not saying I'm lying. I'm just saying you should've went about it a different way."...... ...... Then they left.

So here I am, and I actually feel very calm. Drained but calm.

I don't know what's going to happen when he gets back with the boys, but I am expecting him to leave. Maybe it IS for the best. BTW, when I said this in the convo with H, he said, "But what if I leave and I feel like it was the biggest mistake, and then I want to come back?" I think he wanted an answer from me to know if I would accept him back, but I just remained silent.

Thanks for listening to this fallen DBer.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."