H just called again. He said they're on a break right now in the tournament. He also said he wanted to call me again because I sounded weird when he talked to me earlier.
I said I was fine, but H said he didn't believe me. He kept pushing me into talking about what was bothering me. I didn't want to go through this on the phone, so I told H I didn't know. He kept telling me to just say what I wanted to. I told him I just didn't know.
H said, "It's because everything's so up in the air. I don't know what's going on with my job (business isn't looking too good), I feel like I'm crazy when I'm gone, and I feel even crazier when I'm here. I want to drink all the time so I can just pass out.....I'm almost out of chips, so I'm going to keep playing if I get knocked out of the tournament. Do you want me to call you when I'm on my way?" I told H only if he wanted to. He said, "Look. I'm trying to be nice to you."
You're TRYING??? That hurt. It brought back H telling me how hard it is for him to still be here because he convinced himself he wanted out.
I began crying a little, H said, "What?!" like he was a bit annoyed, so I just told him I'd let him go. H asked, "What is it?" I told H, "......I'm hurting inside, alright?....I know you are, too, but so am I." H said, "I'm sorry.....I'll call you when I'm on my way, and we'll talk when I get home."
I am crumbling. I feel like I can't do this anymore. I feel like H is trying to MAKE himself want to be here when he really doesn't want to be at all. I think he's only trying for the kids and nothing more. I think he's only here because he doesn't know where else to go.
I feel like even though H says he's trying, I don't think he really is. Not nearly as much as he could.
I am such a mess.
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
