Trying to find our way to happiness II

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

First, let me address the incident I was referring to in my last post.

I really don't know for sure anymore. I did feel sure for awhile that he wasn't still seeing OW, but now, I just don't know.....especially after an incident this afternoon....

After H came inside from playing games in the garage with S5, he went to another room (I was in the living room with the baby). Not long after, S5 came in with H's cell phone ringing in his hand.

H was coming down the hallway saying, "Where's my phone?" S5 was already heading my way with the phone and was just about to hand it over when H saw and IMMEDIATELY snapped, "S5! Give me my phone! Hurry, give it here." H sounded panicky, like he had to catch S5 before he handed it to me.

I noticed H looking at the caller ID then he answered (while walking out to the garage) with a "hey" that bothered me even more. It's hard to describe, but he said it the way he used to say it to me when we were dating, in a very sweet way.

One other thing: I noticed this morning that H must have left his phone in his car last night because it wasn't on his charger like it has been every night since the bomb dropped. I was right; H brought it in after he got up.

I'm really trying to let this go. Like maybe H just forgot to bring his phone in last night. But if it continues to happen or H turns his phone off at night again (like pre-bomb), then I'm afraid I won't be able to let it go.

Well, I've had a rough night.

H left for poker just after 3pm. I was bothered by this, too, because I know the tournament doesn't start until 6:30pm, and we only live about 35 minutes away from there. So why did he need to leave so early? I wanted to ask but didn't.....I wish I did.

Another thing, I called H about 45 minutes ago to see how he was doing, but he didn't answer. His phone was on though.

Ok, H just called. He said he was just returning my call and that his phone was on silent so that's why he didn't answer. I feel like he's lying to me. For one thing, when his phone is on silent, it ALWAYS vibrates. If it's on (H never said it was off, and I know it was on since it rang), it WILL vibrate. So why didn't he pick up? And another thing, when I was talking to H, there was NO background noise whatsoever. Whenever I talk to him while he's there, I can ALWAYS hear the other players and the sound of the poker chips splashing in the pot. It was dead silent.

(((((((SIGH)))))))

I also cried earlier tonight. I was seriously bawling . I haven't cried like that in quite awhile.

I just felt everything completely weighing on me. I feel like I'm living a nightmare, and I cannot escape from it.

I just want to be happy again, and I don't feel like this is going to be fully possible with H again. I am seriously doubting everything.

As always, thank you for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."