Trying to find our way to happiness II

[ValerieA]

Hi there.

It seems weird to me to that his shirt would have grass on it. He must have been in the grass somewhere to have got it on him. Sounds like he did get in early. Hmmm maybe he went to play cards again.

H also called me about 15 minutes before he got here to ask if I needed anything. His mood over the phone was very upbeat, and he was joking around with me like old times, but there was something in his voice.

15 minutes later, he gets here and he's just out of it. Not the same guy I was talking to on the phone. Hearing the way he was over the phone is what makes me think he might have been drinking some. I can always tell by the way he sounds, and he DID sound like it to me.

The grass on his shirt -- yeah, I think he was somewhere (with who I don't know) drinking. Possibly laying on their lawn.

Because of his dirty shirt, I really don't think he was out playing cards.

I think he has come home with an attitude because you have asked him for a compromise on the gambling....

Honestly, I think the attitude (from last night and probably any other day as well) has a lot to do with H's depression and everything else associated with it.

... He seems to know just how to work you. Now he can get this attitude and push you away and you back down in fear he may leave and then he can act and do just as he wants to.

I have had this exact feeling for a long time...years. I feel like many times H will deliberately push my buttons because he knows he will eventually get what he wants if he just keeps at it. People may say I'm ASSuming, but it has happened this way too many times for me to not KNOW this.

I don't think I give in out of fear of H leaving though. I think it has much more to do with just not wanting to fight, not wanting to look at his sour-puss face, and not wanting to be subjected to H being mean or cold to me when he didn't get to do what he wanted.

....but are you sure he is not still seeing this other woman? And have you asked him if it was a PA? And if it was an PA did he use protection?

I really don't know for sure anymore. I did feel sure for awhile that he wasn't still seeing OW, but now, I just don't know.....especially after an incident this afternoon. I'll post later about it.

I have asked H if it was a PA, and he adamantly denies ever doing so. And let me tell you one TREMENDOUSLY respectful attribute of H's: H has got to be one of the biggest believers of safe sex. We used condoms EVERY TIME in our 2 1/2 dating years but once (oops! S9). That one time, we tried using a spermicide -- so much for that . Throughout our M, we continued using condoms as means for birth control. Not anymore though since I had a tubal ligation done after the baby.

So, even if he did have a PA, I trust that H would've been smart enough to use a condom.

I know he is dealing with guilt from this whole mess. But something makes me think this guilt runs deeper then a EA. But then again it could be his depression or anxiety and the whole mental health issues on top of an eating disorder.

I'm hoping it has to do with his depression, but many times I feel that this is something much more than what went on or may be going on now. When H goes through his spells of telling me I should leave him, I often feel like he is harboring a very deep secret.

I would try JV to stick to your guns about the compromise that he agreed to.

I think you're right. I have to remind myself that HE DID AGREE to it, so I need to make sure that I don't give in anymore. If he pouts, well.....that's just something I'll have to deal with.

BTW, H said he's only playing cards tonight and that's it for the rest of the time he's still here. H is leaving for AZ again probably next Wednesday. If he tries to go back on this, I WILL say something -- gently .

I wish you much luck. Do try to report in I also have been worried about you. He seems to unstable right now. You sound like such a strong person. You would have to be strong to have gone through what your dealing with. Remember to take time for yourself and don't feel guilty about it.

Thank you so very much, cally. I usually do post everyday unless there's too much going on during the day and/or weekend.

Strong?......I know I'm trying to be, but I don't always feel it. I just have to remind myself that no matter what, I'll be ok. I have to be. For me and for my boys.

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Ok, I was going to post about this afternoon, but I've got kids to tend to ! I'll do it a bit later.

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."