Trying to find our way to happiness II

[ValerieA]

Seeing how my previous thread is close to being full, I figured I'd start a new one.

I'm also going to try to link the old one to this one. If I don't get it by tomorrow night, ummm.....D , I might need your help please!

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

Just practicing....

Trying to find our way to happiness

WOOOOO HOOOOO!!!! I DID IT!!!

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

Yes, even I can't believe I'm awake right now .

H just got home about an hour and a half ago. I'm bothered by this seeing that he called me at 8pm and said he would be here in 2 hours but instead got here 3 hours later. And what's even more unnerving is that when he got here, the first thing he did was take off his shirt which I noticed had dead blades of grass all over the backside. Like he had been laying on the ground somewhere. I asked H why was his shirt dirty, he looked at it and said, "I don't know. It must be from my car."

......So......you're telling me your Jaguar that you're so very proud of getting and just had completely detailed inside and out before you left on Saturday, H, has dead grass stuck on the leather interior? Hmmm.....I think I'd ask for my money back and never go to that car wash again. What a rip-off.

You know what I think? I think H got into town sooner or maybe in 2 hours just like he said but didn't come straight home. I think H might have had a drink or two -- I can't say for sure since I didn't smell his breath (yep -- no kiss hello or anything tonight), but I sensed H was "moody" about something when he got here.

Although I had this sense, I still approached him with a great big smile and a pat on the butt (we do that sometimes), but I got nothing. Not even a smile. I looked at him for a moment still with a smile on my face, he said what, and I said again, "Hi!" (I said this in a way to convey to H, "Hi. I'm right HERE, you know? Why don't you give me a hug or something, ok?"). H "moodily" said hi back.

By then I knew I wasn't going to get what I wanted (a hug and maybe a little kiss), so I walked away. H was quiet for a moment then said, "Wait. If you wanted a hug, I'll give you one. Come back." I felt like saying, "If I have to come right out and ask for it then I don't want it because that's when I get the emptiest hugs imaginable. So no thank you." But, of course, I didn't. I told H never mind. I knew he was tired from his long drive (and probably from whatever else he may have been up to ) so it was alright.

We stayed up for about 20 minutes or so (well -- H did ) after he got here. No conversation or anything. Just the TV on with nothing to watch. So then H asked me to go to bed with him. I got an arm rub and a small peck on the same spot for a "good night".

H asked me to put my hand on his back, and he fell asleep within 5 minutes. I just laid there looking up at the ceiling.....then I remembered how H told me he did this all the time pre-A, during the A, and still sometimes now. He would look at the ceiling while in bed and think, "I do not want to be here."......I found myself thinking the same thing tonight.

Tomorrow is another day. I'm going to try to go to sleep again.

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[cally]

It seems weird to me to that his shirt would have grass on it. He must have been in the grass somewhere to have got it on him. Sounds like he did get in early. Hmmm maybe he went to play cards again.

I think he has come home with an attitude because you have asked him for a compromise on the gambling. You have asked him for more time and some things that you need. I'm just guessing here...bnut now he is home with an attitude and pushing you away so he feels he can do what he wants. Like you guys are back to fighting and being distant in his mind so he don't have to make compromises. See again to me your husband seems very selfish. He does seem to have good points to him from what I have read. But he is very selfish and seems to be all about himself and what benefits him. He seems to know just how to work you. Now he can get this attitude and push you away and you back down in fear he may leave and then he can act and do just as he wants to.

I don't want to cause you any pain with this question....but are you sure he is not still seeing this other woman? And have you asked him if it was a PA? And if it was an PA did he use protection? You do have a right to know this information in my opinion because there are many diseases out there and you have the right to protect yourself. Have you ever considered hiring a private investigator? I know he is dealing with guilt from this whole mess. But something makes me think this guilt runs deeper then a EA. But then again it could be his depression or anxiety and the whole mental health issues on top of an eating disorder.

I would try JV to stick to your guns about the compromise that he agreed to. I honestly think he will push this. I guess the way I see it for you to 180 you need to show consistency that you mean what you say and have decided that you know you deserve to be treated better. I honestly feel he thinks he can treat you anyway because you allow it. If he doesn't go where you want you cave and go where he wants. If he don't get you a card or a small token of a gift you tell him it's okay. I know part of it is fear on your part of not wanting to make him mad. Just trying to keep peace. But you deserve more. Marriage is a two way street and he needs to do his part as well. It's okay to have needs and expectations of your own.

I wish you much luck. Do try to report in I also have been worried about you. He seems to unstable right now. You sound like such a strong person. You would have to be strong to have gone through what your dealing with. Remember to take time for yourself and don't feel guilty about it.

[ValerieA]

Quick post:

Scottisheart, thanks for stopping by (on my previous thread), and cally, same to you. I'll respond to your reply later.

----------------

H is moody right now. He was in a decent mood when he got up today, but he wanted at the wrong time (I was getting ready to fix lunch for S5 and the baby). When I said sorry, he said it was alright. Then H went to take a shower and came out in his mood.

He's playing video games with S5 in the garage right now. I went out there (BTW, I've been upbeat all day), and he just looks so down. After a few minutes, H said he was going to play in the tournament tonight. I told him uh huh. He said what did I mean by that, and I told him nothing, I just knew he would be going tonight.

I'm trying....I really am trying to remain positive and cheery, but it is so much harder than anyone can imagine.

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

Hi there.

It seems weird to me to that his shirt would have grass on it. He must have been in the grass somewhere to have got it on him. Sounds like he did get in early. Hmmm maybe he went to play cards again.

H also called me about 15 minutes before he got here to ask if I needed anything. His mood over the phone was very upbeat, and he was joking around with me like old times, but there was something in his voice.

15 minutes later, he gets here and he's just out of it. Not the same guy I was talking to on the phone. Hearing the way he was over the phone is what makes me think he might have been drinking some. I can always tell by the way he sounds, and he DID sound like it to me.

The grass on his shirt -- yeah, I think he was somewhere (with who I don't know) drinking. Possibly laying on their lawn.

Because of his dirty shirt, I really don't think he was out playing cards.

I think he has come home with an attitude because you have asked him for a compromise on the gambling....

Honestly, I think the attitude (from last night and probably any other day as well) has a lot to do with H's depression and everything else associated with it.

... He seems to know just how to work you. Now he can get this attitude and push you away and you back down in fear he may leave and then he can act and do just as he wants to.

I have had this exact feeling for a long time...years. I feel like many times H will deliberately push my buttons because he knows he will eventually get what he wants if he just keeps at it. People may say I'm ASSuming, but it has happened this way too many times for me to not KNOW this.

I don't think I give in out of fear of H leaving though. I think it has much more to do with just not wanting to fight, not wanting to look at his sour-puss face, and not wanting to be subjected to H being mean or cold to me when he didn't get to do what he wanted.

....but are you sure he is not still seeing this other woman? And have you asked him if it was a PA? And if it was an PA did he use protection?

I really don't know for sure anymore. I did feel sure for awhile that he wasn't still seeing OW, but now, I just don't know.....especially after an incident this afternoon. I'll post later about it.

I have asked H if it was a PA, and he adamantly denies ever doing so. And let me tell you one TREMENDOUSLY respectful attribute of H's: H has got to be one of the biggest believers of safe sex. We used condoms EVERY TIME in our 2 1/2 dating years but once (oops! S9). That one time, we tried using a spermicide -- so much for that . Throughout our M, we continued using condoms as means for birth control. Not anymore though since I had a tubal ligation done after the baby.

So, even if he did have a PA, I trust that H would've been smart enough to use a condom.

I know he is dealing with guilt from this whole mess. But something makes me think this guilt runs deeper then a EA. But then again it could be his depression or anxiety and the whole mental health issues on top of an eating disorder.

I'm hoping it has to do with his depression, but many times I feel that this is something much more than what went on or may be going on now. When H goes through his spells of telling me I should leave him, I often feel like he is harboring a very deep secret.

I would try JV to stick to your guns about the compromise that he agreed to.

I think you're right. I have to remind myself that HE DID AGREE to it, so I need to make sure that I don't give in anymore. If he pouts, well.....that's just something I'll have to deal with.

BTW, H said he's only playing cards tonight and that's it for the rest of the time he's still here. H is leaving for AZ again probably next Wednesday. If he tries to go back on this, I WILL say something -- gently .

I wish you much luck. Do try to report in I also have been worried about you. He seems to unstable right now. You sound like such a strong person. You would have to be strong to have gone through what your dealing with. Remember to take time for yourself and don't feel guilty about it.

Thank you so very much, cally. I usually do post everyday unless there's too much going on during the day and/or weekend.

Strong?......I know I'm trying to be, but I don't always feel it. I just have to remind myself that no matter what, I'll be ok. I have to be. For me and for my boys.

------------------------

Ok, I was going to post about this afternoon, but I've got kids to tend to ! I'll do it a bit later.

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

First, let me address the incident I was referring to in my last post.

I really don't know for sure anymore. I did feel sure for awhile that he wasn't still seeing OW, but now, I just don't know.....especially after an incident this afternoon....

After H came inside from playing games in the garage with S5, he went to another room (I was in the living room with the baby). Not long after, S5 came in with H's cell phone ringing in his hand.

H was coming down the hallway saying, "Where's my phone?" S5 was already heading my way with the phone and was just about to hand it over when H saw and IMMEDIATELY snapped, "S5! Give me my phone! Hurry, give it here." H sounded panicky, like he had to catch S5 before he handed it to me.

I noticed H looking at the caller ID then he answered (while walking out to the garage) with a "hey" that bothered me even more. It's hard to describe, but he said it the way he used to say it to me when we were dating, in a very sweet way.

One other thing: I noticed this morning that H must have left his phone in his car last night because it wasn't on his charger like it has been every night since the bomb dropped. I was right; H brought it in after he got up.

I'm really trying to let this go. Like maybe H just forgot to bring his phone in last night. But if it continues to happen or H turns his phone off at night again (like pre-bomb), then I'm afraid I won't be able to let it go.

Well, I've had a rough night.

H left for poker just after 3pm. I was bothered by this, too, because I know the tournament doesn't start until 6:30pm, and we only live about 35 minutes away from there. So why did he need to leave so early? I wanted to ask but didn't.....I wish I did.

Another thing, I called H about 45 minutes ago to see how he was doing, but he didn't answer. His phone was on though.

Ok, H just called. He said he was just returning my call and that his phone was on silent so that's why he didn't answer. I feel like he's lying to me. For one thing, when his phone is on silent, it ALWAYS vibrates. If it's on (H never said it was off, and I know it was on since it rang), it WILL vibrate. So why didn't he pick up? And another thing, when I was talking to H, there was NO background noise whatsoever. Whenever I talk to him while he's there, I can ALWAYS hear the other players and the sound of the poker chips splashing in the pot. It was dead silent.

(((((((SIGH)))))))

I also cried earlier tonight. I was seriously bawling . I haven't cried like that in quite awhile.

I just felt everything completely weighing on me. I feel like I'm living a nightmare, and I cannot escape from it.

I just want to be happy again, and I don't feel like this is going to be fully possible with H again. I am seriously doubting everything.

As always, thank you for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

I am having a BIG backsliding night.

H just called again. He said they're on a break right now in the tournament. He also said he wanted to call me again because I sounded weird when he talked to me earlier.

I said I was fine, but H said he didn't believe me. He kept pushing me into talking about what was bothering me. I didn't want to go through this on the phone, so I told H I didn't know. He kept telling me to just say what I wanted to. I told him I just didn't know.

H said, "It's because everything's so up in the air. I don't know what's going on with my job (business isn't looking too good), I feel like I'm crazy when I'm gone, and I feel even crazier when I'm here. I want to drink all the time so I can just pass out.....I'm almost out of chips, so I'm going to keep playing if I get knocked out of the tournament. Do you want me to call you when I'm on my way?" I told H only if he wanted to. He said, "Look. I'm trying to be nice to you."

You're TRYING??? That hurt. It brought back H telling me how hard it is for him to still be here because he convinced himself he wanted out.

I began crying a little, H said, "What?!" like he was a bit annoyed, so I just told him I'd let him go. H asked, "What is it?" I told H, "......I'm hurting inside, alright?....I know you are, too, but so am I." H said, "I'm sorry.....I'll call you when I'm on my way, and we'll talk when I get home."

I am crumbling. I feel like I can't do this anymore. I feel like H is trying to MAKE himself want to be here when he really doesn't want to be at all. I think he's only trying for the kids and nothing more. I think he's only here because he doesn't know where else to go.

I feel like even though H says he's trying, I don't think he really is. Not nearly as much as he could.

I am such a mess.

[cally]

Oh JV I am so sorry you are hurting. ((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))) to you.

I know this has to be hard on you. And it doesn't help with him adding to it. Again do try to make time for yourself. I am just wondering if he feels like your not strong enough to live without him. I honestly feel like your husband does love you deep down by the things he says. But maybe your 180 could be to look like your super strong on the outside for now. Put his words back into his mouth. Start doing things alone when you can find a sitter. Like last night could have been a perfect opportunity for you. He was taking time for just himself to do whatever and he knows JV will be sitting home waiting on him. Next time he goes out like that I would try to get a sitter and just go out. Let him call home and get no answer. Let him call your cell phone a couple times then answer. Then maybe awhile later call him and say oh I see you called. I just decided I really wanted to go out tonight so I went with some friends. Start enjoying your life right now instead of allowing him to tear you apart. Maybe that 180 will turn him around and he may actually sense what it would be like to lose you. Just like when he goes away next week don't talk to him. Spend some time away from any contact with him where you can sort out your feelings. If you see it's him just let the kid's answer. If he asks for you just tell them mommy is busy right now doing X. Because honestly maybe if he see's what life will be like without you, the woman he loves but has gotten into the habit of hurting and treating any old way, he may wake up and be able to see what he is losing.

Is there any way you can check his phone record? It does seem weird that he would freak out like that about his phone. But then again he is moody a lot anyway. I know it's not good to check up on them but I don't know I feel as the wife you do have the right to know. Maybe it's nothing and he was just moody. The night he had grass on his shirt did he appear like he had been drinking when he got home? Another thing about depression or anxiety is a lot of people become heavy drinkers and turn into alcoholics. They want to supress what they are feeling.

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

H called again about 15 minutes before he arrived home. He placed 9th in the tournament so he at least got his entry fee back. So I guess he decided not to stay and play some more.

We talked until he got into the garage. He asked if I wanted anything before he got here. I said no thanks. He talked to me a little bit about the tournament and then asked what I was up to. I told him I watched some TV. He asked if I recorded the "World Poker Tour" for him which I did so he could watch it when he got home.

H also asked me, "So when are you taking the kids to the zoo again?" I said this Saturday. My parents said to take the baby over there Friday night because they're going to visit my grandparents on Saturday so they're going to take him with them.

I was beginning to say "You're welcome to come if you'd like," but before I finished, H cut in with, "Yes, I'm definitely going! There's no way I'm missing this. I'm going." Then he said, "So do you still want to go to Magic Mountain or something?" I was rather stunned and confused; I don't know why. Maybe because of what was happening earlier. I replied with an unsure "Yeah, I guess so." H asked if I wanted to go before or after his trip to AZ next week. I said it would probably be best to plan for after. Then he began talking about taking the kids, too, so we could take them to Disneyland. I told him that it would be a good idea to plan this for at least a month from now so I could see if my parents would be able to watch the baby. This way we could enjoy all the rides and attractions together. Plus, he might get fussy seeing that it'll be a long day being out there. H agreed. He said he would check out his schedule to see when would be the best time for us to go.

So he got in just after midnight. He was in a pretty decent mood, and I just went with the flow. I didn't know if he wanted to continue our earlier R talk like he said, but I didn't say anything about it either. I was fairly quiet, H asked what was wrong, and I just told him I was tired.

H started watching the program I recorded for him. We joked and laughed about some of the things going on during the program. H rubbed my leg, arm, and foot quite a few times.

I was dozing off here and there, but I remember H laying his head in my lap and kind of hugging my legs.

He woke me up after the show was over so we could go to bed. I went right back to sleep, and I think he rubbed my back. Not sure.

This morning, H said he would take the kids to school (he's still in a decent mood) and be back in time to pick up S5 from kindergarten. H had to go do a service call after dropping them off.

I'm still feeling a bit on edge and confused as to what I really want to do.

Obviously, H is doing and saying stuff he feels is right (???), but it's like he only does these things when it seems I'm getting too close to the door.

I've got so much to think about. One thing I know for sure is not to expect anything from him anymore.

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."