Regarding the restaurant situation it is good that you did nothing when you were in doubt. Since you are actually D right now it is not your place to discipline her kids anyway and she cant blame you for that. Your W seems to be overwhelmed at the moment and it may be best for you to give her space and be lovingly distant if she initiates. Go with her flow.
Re: the blended family issue and your stepkids I am sure that pre-D both you and your W made mistakes in handling it. I dont think it is easy to handle teenagers, let alone when there are two sets in the situation you are in. Dejavu may have a point on the layering that WASs do. However, I do think that there are a couple of key issues on which the LBS can do significant self-improvement (just for the sake of it) that may unravel the knot in the WASs brain.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
