So nice of you to share those stories with us. They were hopeful. It's too bad the one walk away found out her mistake too late. I've actually pointed that out to my ex (I know...not that smart) that it could happen. I do find the message hopeful, but less so if my ex ends up moving away for school. I think a long distance thing would be much more difficult to maintain. But that's hopefully a year away and a lot can happen in that time.
UD, thanks for your input as well. I like your commitment. I felt the same when I wanted to preserve my family. Now I just have an ex and stepkids with all the problems that go with that. I'm not sure my commitment to 3-4 years is there, but you never know. I'm not doing anything else at the moment.
I did start a book on step-parenting. You know what? Compared to the people described in the book our blended family was a cake walk. Our problems were typical. My ex-W behavior was stereotypical (jealousy of time spent with my kids and overprotectiveness of her own). Mine was also fairly predictable. I now see I should have laid back in the grass more. I think both sets of kids were much more accepting of the blended family than the ones described. Just needed to be a little more fair....both of us...not just me.
UPDATE: My ex's stepkids are going out of town for 3 weeks or so. I guess that will free up a lot of time for my ex. I wonder whether she will choose to include me or if we'll be on our own. I'll initiate some during this time. Anyway, I said I wanted to see them before they went did she want to grab some icecream or something. She called later and changed it to dinner.
Dinner was interesting. I guess her kids had been difficult all day and still were at dinner. Mainly fighting with each other. I just stayed out of it, but wonder in retrospect if I should have handled it differently. My ex actually had a slight meltdown and got fairly angry with her kids. Looked like she wanted to cry. I reached across and held her hands across the table and asked if she was okay. I think it helped snap her out of it. I wonder if maybe I should have at least suggested the kids be on their best behavior since their mom was so stressed out. But then again maybe she should also see that I'm not the one responsible for the behavior and can ignore it when I choose and let her handle it. That she's on her own when it comes to discipline. The remainder of dinner was fun. We left on a good note and I didn't drag it out. No physical...not even a hug.
That's all for now. Thanks everyone. I'd love it if a group of people could get together. Maybe we should actually plan something...how about a trip to Vegas.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Regarding the restaurant situation it is good that you did nothing when you were in doubt. Since you are actually D right now it is not your place to discipline her kids anyway and she cant blame you for that. Your W seems to be overwhelmed at the moment and it may be best for you to give her space and be lovingly distant if she initiates. Go with her flow.
Re: the blended family issue and your stepkids I am sure that pre-D both you and your W made mistakes in handling it. I dont think it is easy to handle teenagers, let alone when there are two sets in the situation you are in. Dejavu may have a point on the layering that WASs do. However, I do think that there are a couple of key issues on which the LBS can do significant self-improvement (just for the sake of it) that may unravel the knot in the WASs brain.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Thought I'd post since things are slow here. I hate slow days...especially when no one on the board is talking either.
I've pursued a bit. Called ex several times after work yesterday. She sounded down because her kids were gone. Felt a little stir crazy today. Slow days at work are like that...hard to just thought stop.
I stupidly sent an e-mail telling her she was welcome to come to meet some friends from out of town with me. She replied back that she wouldn't be comfortable but thanks for asking. Nothing much else to report. Going into the weekend. Hopefully I'll keep myself plenty occupied. I don't think that will be a problem...I'm behind on tons of stuff.
Last thing. I was looking through e-mails that I sent to her over the past two years. Ya know when we weren't fighting or apologizing I was generally pretty sweet. But there were a fair number of apology e-mails as well for things I did. As I read them it kind of took me back to how difficult our marriage was and how we had some pretty terrible fights. I wonder if I'm not deluding myself about our chances. Sure I feel I can control my temper and have a better grasp on dealing with her kids, but other issues like her feelings about my ex-wife (1st wife) would still be there and some of the other stuff. Anyway, not healthy to waste my day away thinking about old stuff, but when I look at our life through e-mails it seems kind of bad. Short notes (especially from her), lots of fighting, lots of apologies. Maybe I'm the one that was abducted by aliens for even thinking that things will be different this time.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Regarding your digging into past emails etc. - hey, you are taking this time of darkness with your spouse very hard and it shows. You have not been used to it before. don't start jumping to conclusions just because the situation is a little weird right now. You have the crazymaker going full time at this point. Man, you have been like this since you came bcak from the Chicago trip. You need a time out to get back to normal and so does your W.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Quote: Maybe I'm the one that was abducted by aliens for even thinking that things will be different this time.
Things are supposed to be different this time around. Would you really want to go back to the same old R w/your ex? That one ended in div!
You really have been doing a lot of introspective searching this week. Go out and have some fun this weekend. Just enjoy the moment and don't think about the past or the future. T
Just caught up with your thread. Your ex seems to have so much contact with you still. There is a ton of hope still in your sitch, friend.
Sounds like she's mourning the loss of the M and wrestling with her own demons. Let that be hers. You're doing a great job staying positive and supporting her.
Going dark is hard, isn't it? I feel the same way. I have a strong desire to pursue right now, to water-test, but I know that's not in anyone's best interest. It will only make SO rebel and show disrespect for his request.
Detachment is hard too. I suspect that's why we haven't heard from you for a few days? Are you working on detaching too?
You're in my thoughts, honey. Thank you for your kind words on my thread. Don't stay gone too long, okay? We're here for you.
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Quote: Detachment is hard too. I suspect that's why we haven't heard from you for a few days? Are you working on detaching too?
Who me? In the words of bugs bunny "she don't know me very well do she?"
Quick rundown...what did I post last? Oh yeah, e-mail on Friday asking if she wanted to go with me to meet friends. Anyway, I saw my friend Friday night and had a really good time. He looked really happy and it was bittersweet to see a happy marriage. Afterwards I had a little lowered inhibitions and called ex to ask her to go out dancing with me. She said "I'm not going out this late". I kicked myself for doing that. The next morning she called to say she was asleep when I called and couldn't have got ready in time to go out. More of a making excuse for her declining. It seemed as though if it had been earlier it might have been a yes but who knows.
Saturday she called and I told her about my friend and their new adopted baby. Then we went on a pretty long bike ride (of course at my initiation). It was nice. No pressure. We ran and got coffee. Later in the day she called to tell me she got her test scores. They weren't great, but I was still proud that she worked so hard and did it anyway. I told her so and later asked if she was okay...that I knew she wanted to do better. I said "why don't you swing by for some supper and a few drinks". I shouldn't have done it. She did end up coming over several hours later, but she didn't seem that comfortable. She had one drink. I initiated some physical stuff and she hightailed it out of there. I was really stupid on Saturday. After she left she called three times but I didn't pick up. I did eventually and said "sorry for driving you off". Then I went out by myself, but saw a friend and ended up closing down the bar with her and her girlfriends.
On a sidenote...after the bar I went over to her place and I chatted with one of her girlfriends that was having marital problems. I wanted to be a helpful DBer, but she had been physically abused and I ended up saying more that she needed to distance herself until he was willing to make the change. This marital strife stuff is so ubiquitous that it's disgruntling.
Anyway, on to Sunday. Brief talk on the phone Sunday morning. I didn't initiate any kind of get together (for once). She called back in the afternoon and we discussed her walking the dog with her mom. Since she didn't call back I just walked him myself. She finally did call, but by then I was doing other things so I didn't get back to her for quite a while. Later when I returned her call I said I was going to get something to eat if she wanted to join me. She and her parents joined me and we had a good time. Then we went to play bingo and then over to her parents to play some cards. The night was really relaxed. She was especially playful during cards and we laughed and joked about her card mistakes. That interaction did somewhat erase Saturday nights snafu. I did touch her some...a hug at the restaurant and some touching her neck and shoulders in the car. One interesting note is that I said she looked "hot" today and she said "you just think that because you have a crush on me". I said..."No. I don't even like you. Imagine how hot I'd think you are if I did." And no, she didn't take it seriously.
Okay, that does it for updates. And some of you thought I was detaching and not pursuing. Actually, that sounds like a lot, but there was a fair amount of silence in between and the silence was broken by her as often as me. It is condensed to interactions with her.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
You guys are making me tired. I tell you, the woman is crazy as are you. I could not for an instant behave in the great way you have with the continued interactions.
There is clearly a dynamic here, one I cannot define. I know nothing about women, obviously, but this one likes you, I think. Beyond that, I have no idea. Is there a path for future development? Guess you have asked yourself MANY times. Answer from me, I have no idea.
But stay the course and maybe relax a little, I still sense urgency.
