I don't know what it is. I do really need to self-evaluate. It's probably part of a cycle. I'll address in order.
UD,
Her attitude about marriage is okay, except I read in the part about some things can't be overlooked. Referring to the step-kids issue.
BTW, heard you mention Iowa City on another post. If you are going to be visiting let me know. We can meet.
Looking at September 24. Not quite sure I can make the reunion but I'd really like to.
Jo,
Is there something else wrong, Wez? Because I can't see what would piss you off unless you're just sick of DB'ing??
I just can't see what she's done to make you so pissed off.
I don't think it's so much what she has done. I haven't heard anything much from her. It's me. I'm looking at my R/sitch with a critical eye and I think I'm starting to get a walk away mentality. My ex is fine, except for being a quitter and unrealistic of the difficulties of a blended family, but I just don't know whether I want to restart a R with her and her children when I'm already far behind the 8 ball. Maybe I'm looking at the easy way out. Just walking away from this. After a month or two of no contact maybe I won't even miss her anymore. Single life isn't so bad and I have the freedom to do what I want.
Oh btw, I'm a younger woman but I have kids and a crazy X
Yeah, I've seen your website...rowwwlll. Your crazy ex-H doesn't scare me. At least you know what it means to make the sacrifices for a marriage and already DB. If you only lived here.
How did you get to read your XW's email??
I know her e-mail passwords. I know...bad me. I'm going to quit. There is nothing in them anyway.
Bruce,
You're too old to keep up with the young girls
Blah. I was thinking mid to late twenties. Maybe a sugar mama so I can retire. he he he
Maybe you have reached the point Michelle talks about, when it is time to move on and be "realistic." We all go through these stages and I've learned, they vary sometimes daily. But only one person knows in their heart, when it is time
I don't know. It's not like my ex is angry, resentful, hostile and irascible so I'm not sure if I've reached the point where I need to be realistic. She still has feelings for me, sure just disgust, but I can work with that. he he he
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Just looking at other peoples' situations. The newcomers. You know, when I read those posts I feel I've come a long way. I'm pretty happy. I don't feel desperation, a lack of appetite, lack of sleep, fear. It's all good.
Only updates: I e-mailed for the heck of it. She e-mailed and called back. Called again later asking if I wanted to do dinner. The last three days the phone convos have been strained and unnatural. I know...quite analyzing. It's just weird, like she is no longer comfortable with me.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
The person that is uncomfortable with you, is YOU. All this analysis, second-guessing, rethinking, reality, is changing your perspective of you, her, the interactions, the R, the situation, et al.
Truth be told, I do not imagine much has changed externally, only internally.
Ohhh, I remember those early days. The desperation of our every word, thought, action. We thought we would never survive.
Yeah, those early days are best left behind...the first couple weeks. I was such a mess. I feel so much stronger now...even if uncertain. But still here overanalyzing. I guess some things never change.
Bruce, it's not me that's changed, unless I'm putting out a bad vibe. She calls and then doesn't talk. She'll say one little thing and then just stay on the line without saying anything. I say a few things to engage her in convo and she gives a yes/no and then stays on the line like she's waiting. I usually end up saying..."okay then, talk to you later". She delays a bit more and then says "okay, bye". It is not normal. Maybe I am influencing it, I don't know. Maybe my sh**ty attitude is transparent.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
You are absolutely influencing it. Remember how you feel (as you told me) when you project a positive attitude, versus negative.
She wants something (you have no idea what?); she calls and stays on the phone, try the Wes approach, ask.
It is natural to go through self-doubt, wondering if it is all worth it; as we said, after they quit.
But remember everything we tell the newcomers, it is not about the WAS, it is about us. DBing may not revive the R or M but it is about us and our attitude and belief and actions and reactions.
Hell yes we get tired of people telling us how to feel, act, react, etc.
But truth is, we know what we want, we know what we believe in our core. We may not achieve our ultimate goal, the revival of an intimate R with the woman we love.
These reminders are not just for you, but for me and everybody else here. Find the person you can be and want to be and maybe like the first time, she will be drawn back to you and if not, truth be told, though we will have a hard time convincing ourselves, she is missing out.
I know how you feel about moving on, etc. I question myself and what I'm doing all of the time. I think it's only human to feel that way.
Maybe that's where letting go of all expectations begins to develop. When you're able to be indifferent to whether you ever reconcile, yet are still able to be unconditionally loving to your ex, and also, ultimately confident in yourself.
I don't know if this will cheer you up, but I'm going to share something somebody told me this past weekend.
I was talking w/ a friend's W and she related to me that she was a WAW. And you know what? She confided in me that she should never have left her first husband. She went on about what a good man he was and handsome, etc. She confided to me that she had personal problems that she wasn't dealing with that were the core behind why she wanted out. Anyway, I could just picture all of the DB posts I've read scrolling down my eyelids as I listened to her.
Here's the take home message. She said that she and her ex had a long talk in the gararge one time after she remarried (her 2nd of 3 and to an alcoholic) and that they both cried and talked about what a mistake it was for them to divorce. This all came after she hit bottom and worked out her problems. But, it was too late her 1st H had moved on and wouldn't end his new M even though he wasn't happy. Whatever is bothering our WAS's, they have to work through before they will return. The key is PATIENCE. How many times have you heard that?
Interestingly enough, she told me this happened about 3-4 yrs. after the D. Pay attention. This friend's brother asked me about my S/D later in the weekend. He went on to tell me about his S w/ his W (he left). Anyway, he said that they got back together in about 3-4 yrs. Are you still w/ me? His advice to me was to be nice to my W and stay active w/ the K's. Now, how long do they say it takes for a WAS to get through their MLC or whatever you want to call it? About 3-4 yrs. post D. And how long do they say it takes the LBS to get over the end of the R? 3-4 yrs. I'm starting to notice a pattern here.
I think it all depends on how you treat the WAS during this time period that will dictate what measure of success you will have. That's what the MLC DBers write as well. You may even have an R in the mean time, but it's how you treat you're WAS that will determine if there is a chance once they get through what they are going through.
Just thought I'd share, b/c it was very uplifting for me when I was told all of this by two different WA's.
The WAW also told me that if I thought my family and my spouse were worth saving, I should wait it out. Right now I have plenty to keep me busy for that long.
I loved what bulldogr said. And you know what? I am at year 2 post-bomb. No D but the W is definitely on a trajectory for a 3-4 year S/D situation in our R! You see, I thought initially that it would be like what Michele says the thumb rule is - one month of every year of M. My W and I have been M for 8 years+ now. So I thought 8 months to a year max. But it has been 2 years and while my W's anger is gone, she treats me with more respect etc., I dont see any strong movement for her to come back. I think that when WAW is an MLCWAW then it takes a lot longer.
It seems to me, from having browsed this and other boards extensively and also from reflecting and reading on my own situation, that a plain vanilla WAW has issues that are directly related to the M. THe MLCWAW however has issues internal to themselves that they are dealing with in addition to M-issues and they tend to lump everything into M issues as an escape mechanism. When the M is discarded they see that their issues still remain and then they get some clarity.
This happened to a friend of mine and her full-blown-MLC-WAH. Took a divorce, several trips, lots of money spent on buying unnecessary stuff etc. for him to realize he was making a mistake and he came back. He pipped the post at 3 years flat.
Wes, in you case, your W is actually on a much faster trajectory I think. I dont see much in your W's case that hints at a strong MLC. Her problem seems more specific, i.e. the issue of blending families. But I definitely see MLCWAW signs in my sitch, bulldogr, Bruce and Gabriel. But anyway the point is, this thing takes a lot of time. You have to be prepared for that.
I ask myself - how long will I wait? Sometimes I crave physical touch. Have you seen the movie scent of a woman and Al Pacino's craving? Well, I now know what that was all about! But then I look into my D3's eyes (and they are gorgeous) and I dont think time matters anymore. I will give up when there is not a stone left unturned.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Hi Wes, I feel like I am a day late here! Hopefully things are becoming a little clearer for you.
Quote: except I read in the part about some things can't be overlooked. Referring to the step-kids issue.
I've been meaning to say something about this issue and don't know if this will come out right; oh well, here goes. Somewhere on the bb I was reading about the WAS might impose a 'layering' condition. First the lbs has to fix this issue, and when that doesn't seem to be the thing to make them happy; they 'layer' on another condition. I've been going through this w/my ex and the finances. His latest condition for me just won't work (bankruptcy) since it will still not take it off his credit. So I know he has me in a catch-22.
The issue of stepkids is a bit tougher condition to follow. Kids have their own issues and it may have nothing to do w/you or your kids. And this may still be her issue. You just have to do what you feel is right for the kids.
Quote: The last three days the phone convos have been strained and unnatural.
That's how I felt w/my ex's last phone call. But I think it was both of our faults. We get so worried about saying the wrong thing that we don't feel natural about the convo anymore.
Ok, enough of my lecturing to you. Don't let your expectations take over. I read over what you said about emailing her and she emailed right back, then called and asked you for dinner? Lucky you! When I email the ex, I don't get a response for 3 days if at all!
Look at the positives and keep up the good work! t/c, T
Maybe a sugar mama so I can retire. he he he 
But then I look into my D3's eyes (and they are gorgeous) and I dont think time matters anymore. I will give up when there is not a stone left unturned.