Maybe an ideal opportunity to focus on activities for you, especially if she is calling. Maybe not accept every invite as you have suggested in the past?
Two. Right now she is still not divorced in her mind if she has access to the house and seems to act as she pleases. You may want to set boundaries, talk about respect for each others space, you certainly would not come and go and take things from her house. How would she react if you did?
BUT and you know this, be prepare for NEGATIVE reaction when you set boundaries and most likely she will retreat hard.
But continue to focus on those activities for you.
It sucks, we are doing all this self-evaluation, analysis, figuring out how to act and what to say and the WAS has already left the R and is moving on with a life outside of ours and yet . . .
Not much to update. Something feels different yesterday and today. Maybe it's just all in my head. That's mainly the difference. I am struggling to detach. She has been in my head far too much. And it just feels as though she is colder. Maybe she is still mad at me for this weekend. The few conversations we've had felt strained and like she had something to say but wouldn't say it.
Only contacts: She called yesterday to remind me of a dental appointment. I said thanks for reminding me and that was essentially it.
I went blading with the dog. He was being such a weenie I thought I'd see if she'd watch him a minute while I skated (she lives across the street from the path). She was just sitting outside, but I didn't end up asking her. Just talked a minute and continued on. Yes, I know...the stopping by was another pursuit. And after I said I wouldn't do it anymore.
I also called later to ask about ex s-son's b-day. He's going to be gone over his birthday so I didn't know if she was going to celebrate this week or when he got back. If this week I'd need to get a present. Again...fairly short convo and strained.
I'm thinking and analyzing too much. And thinking about our R too much. I did read the post-D thread posted by JJ. While some of my sitch sounds like that, I think his ex initiated far more even though she didn't allow physical stuff as much as mine does. The difference that I see is that they were bringing a complete family together. I believe that if it was just our kids we shared that we might not have even reached a divorce. I also noted that in the success story (I presume) that he never seemed to turn down his ex's offers for dinner, etc and like me he wondered when she was going to move to the next stage. But it sounds like he applied less pressure. I'm trying to learn something from this. I hope I'm not learning that it takes three years to get back together. I guess patience without pressure is probably what I should learn.
Okay, I'm rambling. Just shows how messed up my head is at the moment. So the last thing....all this pursuit by me has got to have my ex thinking that she's the sh*t. I've got to at least turn the table part way. I need to make sure I actively pursue getting a life so she knows my world doesn't revolve around her. Enough of this rambling nonsense. I hope all of you are doing well.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Who the hell wrote that? Not Wes. The thing was fraught with ASSumptions.
One. You have NO IDEA what she is thinking. You know this, so quit.
Two. It took YEARS for the M and R to fall apart, it may take YEARS to restore it, IF this is what you want.
Go back and reread your posts. At first you were hesistant to accept any offer she made, questioning everything, especially yourself. Then, somewhere in there, you said Ok Wes, let's get to work. And started intiating conversations, activities and accepting her invites. There was confidence in your behavior.
Then for some reason (imagined or real) you've shut Wes down. You've decided (without any evidence or your own psychic hotline) what she is feeling and thinking. And you are comparing your situation to someone else.
She has bad days just like you, related to many factors most likely having NOTHING to do with you. Talk about her ego will you?
Now, straighten up, go to back to Wes and his core and live life like you want, not like you think she wants you to or me or someone else or her kids or the mailman or Mr. Rogers and any other person who is NOT you.
I wanted to reply to your last post and then I read Bruce's reply and I think he said it all, so I will shut up.
One things I do want to pick up on in your post: " I hope I'm not learning that it takes three years to get back together. I guess patience without pressure is probably what I should learn. " - Truth is, it VERY WELL might!! Get your mind around it. You cannot sustain your level of "internal jumpiness" for that long if it does take that long. One must let go on short-term gain and focus on long-term self-improvement.
Brother, been there done that on the "internal jumpiness" thing for the past two years. I am only now getting more Zen about things. Believe me, it is extremely hard but absolutely necessary.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Your post doesn't sound anything like the Wes we've come to know here.
She could just be having a bad week that is totally unrelated to you.
And maybe her rejection this weekend has put you in a bad mood. That's ok, but not the end of the world. I'm sure this isn't the first rejection you've ever had and will not be the last. Pick yourself up, and go do something for YOU.
Take care. T
PS. you could go drown yourself in a big hot fudge sundae cake! oh, wait that's what I want to do, but I'm dieting right now!
Exactly what I needed, a little scolding. I actually took the advice you gave and reread previous thread. Know what? You're right. Things went better when I connected on the level that appeals to her...talking. But I did sound more confident. The difference the last week or so is I have worried too much about how she would react/did react and abandoned doing what is comfortable for me. And I like the term "internal jumpiness". That does describe this feeling.
So I called and asked if she wanted to take the kids to the wave pool. I figure "what the hey". She was fine with that idea. I took Bruce's advice because that is really the heart of all this isn't it? Live like I want and not like Mr. Rodgers wants me to. he he
Thanks for cheering me up.
Thanks for the advice. I'll try to get rid of some of that "jumpiness".
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I don't have anything to say about interactions with my ex. I'm really kind of sick of her at the moment. I actually kind of enjoy it when I'm upset/angry. It helps me at least look at things through something other than rose colored glasses.
Here's an exerpt from my ex-W. Advice/support given to another mother who recently was a WAW. Her complaint...what do you do when Mr. Wonderful turns out to be Mr. Terrible. But here's a later exerpt. I know...it's not GAL to read her e-mail.
Quote: I'm sorry for your rocky road. I don't think your being angry or mistrusting is wrong at all. Marriage is a big committment and when someone drops their end of the deal, it feels really shitty. It's hard to know why people do the things they do but I also know that every relationship has it's ups and downs. I look at my parents and think to myself that I know they've been through some difficult times together but somehow they stuck it out but there are some major issues that just can't be overlooked or stuffed down or whatever. I think two people have to be on the same page and one person can't carry the relationship. Yeah, the page might change a little and need some turning but as long as two people want to work things out/stay together bad enough, that definitely helps. I really don't think there's any easy end of a relationship process. I know you're not in a mood to feel good about the future of your love life but that may change in time. Surprising things happen when you least expect them and sometimes it renews your hope in some things you gave up on a long time ago. I think you should find comfort in whatever it is you need that isn't harmful to you or to others. There's nothing wrong with a little escape... Take care of you.
Commitment to the marriage. Straight from the horse's mouth. Seems a little bit like hypocrisy, but I think she figures our marriage had one of the "but there are some major issues that just can't be overlooked or stuffed down or whatever"
Don't bother saying it. I know none of this is healthy. Unless I'm seriously considering giving up and moving on. More of the rollercoaster. But what if I really did just give up like my ex did because the going was too tough? I want to really badly at the moment. It feels liberating. I've been working on GAL and need to do more of it, but I think life might be better without her in it. I've got the old Bruce attitude before he was influenced by all of us...."this woman quit on everything". I hope you don't take that wrong Bruce....it was realistic.
BTW, I did get a step-parenting book. It looks like it will be okay, but it won't do me a whole lot of good right now. But considering that many divorced women have kids I might as well read it for the future. Either that or find me a much younger woman with no kids.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Lately I feel like I have been having to beat you up. But I guess you know that you haven't been your old self lately and I guess this is a phase that will pass.
I could scold you for a couple of things in your post that I found you were just misreading (i.e. your XW seems to have a good atitude about M and even about the problems in your M- I dont see that as hypocrisy, only that she is internally torn).
It is okay to feel angry with your WAW. The deal is to vent that and get on to a positive plane. There is such a thing as detaching without giving up hope. I am trying to get there myself and it is very hard. But i think for 60% of the day I am there. It does feel better.
BTW, heard you mention Iowa City on another post. If you are going to be visiting let me know. We can meet.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Reread that letter again, though should not be doing that.
She's not talking about the other woman's marriage, she is talking about yours.
Maybe you have reached the point Michelle talks about, when it is time to move on and be "realistic." We all go through these stages and I've learned, they vary sometimes daily. But only one person knows in their heart, when it is time.
But it certainly seems it is time for deep self-evaluation.
Whatever you do, know you have support and let us know what is going on?
he he 