Her comment "since the divorce" is a misconception...as though they are taking the divorce out on them. My kids actually don't know I'm divorced. Because things haven't changed through the separation to the divorce I just didn't say anything.
Maybe everyone is just better off divorced. Perhaps my ex is right. But maybe it's time to start acting more like divorced people. I had a great time with my kids this week. I'm not going to spoil it with this downer stuff. I'm going to enjoy what I do have and not worry about what I don't.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I read your post last night and this morning I'm still not quite sure what to say. It sounds like you had a good time last week, but the emotions took over in the end.
Quote: I read an e-mail she sent to a friend.
Shame on you! (but don't feel too bad about it, I can't seem to stop either!) But in that context, remember she is going to slam you to all her friends to validate her reasons for divorce.
And remember that we are supposed to believe none of what they say and only half of what they do.
Ok, so she slammed you to her friend. It's not the end of the world. And in a way she may be trying to hurt you by pushing your buttons; since she isn't ready to show her feelings for you.
As the others said, give her a little more space. She seems to keep coming back around and making a 400+ mile trip means something.
You know how well you treat her s. Keep focusing on yourself and building that relationship to include stepkids.
What I read in this is that you got a little too close for her comfort so she is pushing you away by hurting you to see if you have really changed or not. I may be overanalyzing, but there have been so many positive interactions.
Keep doing the things that work. And quit doing the things that don't!
If you are so a horrible person and mistreat her children so, strange she wants to hang out with someone like that?
I know. I usually stay away from horrible people if I can. And I certainly wouldn't subject my kids to one. I don't want to be someone to hang out with anymore. I don't want to be just friends. If I can't have everything a relationship with her entails then I don't want it.
Don't worry about pursuing. This time I truly intend to not initiate anything.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Step back a little. Do not get discouraged by your W's email. Look at her actions, not words. It may be a good move for you to actually seek professional help in trying to address the issue of blended families. There may JUST be something that you can learn to make the situation better. Also, if you drop a hint or two to your W on the fact that you are taking counseling on this issue, it may help at least show her that you are taking some concrete measures. Apart from that, this may be a good time for you to step away from her a little and try to lovingly distance. Give her space. She is torn between her attachment to you and her motherhood. You need to give her the opportunity to step back herself and problem solve to see if there is something that she can do to mend the situation. There are a lot of positive connections between you and W, Wes. You already know your central problem. You need to work on yourself by focussing and learning how you can address the joint family issue. You may begin actually by admitting to yourself (and maybe to her) that that is the problem. I know you are not going to just give up and sit on the sidelines hoping something will happen. That is what your W is doing!! If both of you take that approach, sure as hell nothing is going to happen.
Wes, brainstorm, get professional help on the blended family issue, take a long-term view (1 year) and start work today.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
It's funny, we would not know each other if we passed on the street, but I going to venture out here and say I think you and me and a lot of people here (though truth be told we should not have too much influence in your life) would be disappointed if you stopped pursuing.
Who was the guy who said he liked just hanging out with her? Like it was someone he was interested in? How would they know if he did not show interest?
I agree with Bruce. What you are doing is working (your W is seeking you out and hanging out with you, no matter what your W is saying to her buddies) but you need to adjust somethings with your approach, not give up !! You know sometimes I think that WAWs express their innermost fears to their support group-just like we do. But there is a lot more to their psyche ,such as love, guilt, longing etc that they may not express because it will make the other person think they are wishy washy or whatever. For example, my WAW has told several of her friends that it is over and she os going to file for D etc. But I dont see that in her actions when she is with me! Your W maybe was just venting one side of her psyche to her friend. the other side of her psyche she is showing to you (by pursuing you and initiating time together). Your WAW is torn, Wes. You have 1/2 of her psyche. How can you (through actions, words will never do) get to that other half, maybe even to like 70%?
Wes, where are your goals/ideas on how you are going to address your main problem? (Okay, now I am sounding like a broken record - occuptaional hazard of dealing with grad students- sorry ). Step back and think. Perhaps even tell your W you need a time out to think for a couple of weeks. I dont know.....
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Thanks as always. Your comments and advice are sound. I might have the 50%, but my ex is going to hold on to the other 50% forever. Especially if she can get about as much as she needs for herself and her kids simply by calling up and saying "wanna do something?". Bruce, I do like being around her, but at the moment I'm not sure that it's reason enough.
My goals: 1) Continue to enjoy doing things by myself (walking the dog, rollerblading, going to the gym) 2) Seek out groups to expand friendships (ie church groups, sports leagues) 3) Work on book 4) Research on how to improve relations between myself, my kids, and stepkids a) Get books from library b) see counselor for advice c) Look for activities that kids and I can do together.
5) Take a continuing education class (book writing course at community college)
I want to get busy enough that I really don't have a whole lot of time to spend with my ex. At least not for the next 2 or 3 weeks. Could be difficult because her kids are going out of town for 3 weeks and she may want to spend time together.
You know I take setbacks poorly so take my pessimism with a grain of salt. But I do have a question before I get back to work. Should I start setting boundaries? My ex still can come and go at the house, she comes over to iron on occasion, occasionally do laundry, she (and her kids) help themselves to whatever they'd like to eat or drink, she's taken my laptop without asking. Do I just say..."No more of that." Or do I just continue to go with the flow and be fairly open and easy going about my house?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I don't mean to overstep any bb boundaries here, but I have a book by Dr Harley called 'His Needs, Her Needs for Parents' that you can have if you want. (I already have a copy) Some of his ideas are kind of 'cheesy' but I do remember there being stuff in there about stepkids and dealing w/ADHD kids.
I want to reply to your email in some detail but I am short on time. I like your goals. That is exactly what you need to do and really focus on. Now, the fact that your W comes over and feels comfortable around you is the part that is working for you!! Why change that? I know it pains you that you are not getting the other 50% but why give up the 50% that you already have?
See, it is time for unconditional love here. It is also time to work on yourself and keep on improving yourself. o stick with your goals. If you succeed in them and are sincere then your W will notice and then the other 50% will start to work itself out. But you need to get moving on your own! More later.
Bruce, what do you think?
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Shame on you! (but don't feel too bad about it, I can't seem to stop either!) But in that context, remember she is going to slam you to all her friends to validate her reasons for divorce. 
!! You know sometimes I think that WAWs express their innermost fears to their support group-just like we do. But there is a lot more to their psyche ,such as love, guilt, longing etc that they may not express because it will make the other person think they are wishy washy or whatever. For example, my WAW has told several of her friends that it is over and she os going to file for D etc. But I dont see that in her actions when she is with me! Your W maybe was just venting one side of her psyche to her friend. the other side of her psyche she is showing to you (by pursuing you and initiating time together). Your WAW is torn, Wes. You have 1/2 of her psyche. How can you (through actions, words will never do) get to that other half, maybe even to like 70%? 
). Step back and think. Perhaps even tell your W you need a time out to think for a couple of weeks. I dont know.....
Especially if she can get about as much as she needs for herself and her kids simply by calling up and saying "wanna do something?". Bruce, I do like being around her, but at the moment I'm not sure that it's reason enough. 