You have some very nice positives going right now. I wouldn't underestimate the significance of her letting her son go with you to Chicago. I like UDs focus on the melded family issue. I also wonder if the kids are the key to this sitch (her hesitation). I hope you have/had a great time in Chicago, not feeling too much pressure regarding her son, but being yourself. Hopefully, the kid will give you a chance and see the great father-figure you are, and over time, that W will see this as well.
Not going into great detail. I had a whole bunch of fun at six flags. We all like amusement parks. My ex-wife's son was too small for a lot of the bigger rides and was pretty nervous about a lot of the other ones, but I guess he did okay. We had a fun time for the most part. The boys all got along really well.
I talked with my ex on the phone every day, several times a day. Then we talked about meeting in Minneapolis on Friday and doing something. That didn't go over very well. She is scared of driving in the city and I did terrible trying to get her to the hotel. But that worked out. Then when I saw her I got a little too physically amorous and was rejected. I took that very poorly. Basically a big setback. And then R talk again that went badly. Fortunately we made up pretty good at the baseball game.
This morning I was crabby so again had a bad interaction. I kind of smoothed it over before I left. She wanted me to spend the day with her and the kids. It was very difficult to say..."No, I'm ready to go home. Sorry we didn't get to hang out" I shouldn't have went there with the physical stuff. I'm going to try to be on my best behavior and convince her that she's safe with me. She just wants to be friends (I need to remember that means "for now"). Damn me.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
We did miss you around here. I am glad you and kids had a good time with the (iron and steel) rollercoaster at least . I think you realized already that you were crowding your W and so I will keep my 2x4 to myself because I am sure I will need it to whack you with soon. I am sure that W's son will report to her that he had a good time etc. and hopefully you would have scored a point in the area that really matters for you IMHO. I.e. the melded family issue. I am not sure if you have revisited or firmed up any goals in that regard, i.e. how you are going to show your W that you are working on blending your two families together. How about putting this together and focusing on this for the next three months?
Give your W space. You already know all of this DB101 stuff. And anyway since you are already feeling bad about the physical stuff, put that in the "OK, I messed up, I am just human" category and start with a beginner's mind.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Glad to have you back. We haven't had anybody to amuse us.
I will not even go into the MANY mistakes and setbacks you committed.
I feel an urgency when I read your posts. And I don't know if you are too close to the situation to see yourself. But you want something to happen and happen NOW. And then something does happen, but not the something you by miracle hoped would happen. Then you continue to run circles trying to fix it.
This was supposed to be a time for you to spend with the kids, not CHASING W.
I suspect she would have been around when you returned and you both could have used some of the time NOT in constant communication to really think some things through.
SLOW DOWN. Clearly she wants to be around you, ENJOY, and quit pushing. Think of her as someone new you are interested in. How would your behavior be interpreted?
Quote: I feel an urgency when I read your posts. And I don't know if you are too close to the situation to see yourself. But you want something to happen and happen NOW. And then something does happen, but not the something you by miracle hoped would happen. Then you continue to run circles trying to fix it.
Exactly right. I'll consider myself properly scolded. It was a time not to touch base with ex. She said call every night so I did, but probably went above and beyond. But her normally very timid son went on the giant drop (I sh*t myself on it j/k but I do hate it) and I just had to call to tell her so. The calls while we were away did not seem poorly received and she made about half of them. It's what I did when we met up that was especially stupid. Uggghhh. I am too close to the situation. I still make excuses.
But let me throw this out there. My ex drove 400+ miles to do stuff together. She could have done other stuff with her kids without me. Just something to consider.
Still doesn't change the fact that I do have this urgency that better go away if I hope to have success. Patience.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I completely agree with Bruce of course. It is CLEAR in your case, more than any of us here, that your W wants you. She just does not know how the MECHANICS of your relationship (when you are living together) are going to work out. She is trying to protect her kids as every good mother should. Now, it also clear, that more than any of us here, your are in a state of attachment that is making it difficult for your W to come back to you. DB101!
You have to start looking at a time frame of a year, Wes! Not today or tomorrow or even next month. Now, the ONLY way in which you can keep from making all the mistakes that one makes while in the attached state is to get a life (apart from the relationship). And focus on the main problem that you have, i.e. how to work on your relationship with your step-kids over the next YEAR.
Wes, I for one would really like to see your goals in regard to GAL and self-improvement with regard to managing kids and step-kids. I am sounding like my mother here but I hope this helps you.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Quote: But let me throw this out there. My ex drove 400+ miles to do stuff together.
EVERYONE here agrees she wants to be around you, this is not the argument or question. The problem (and I may be COMPLETELY off) as I see it, is your reactions and actions toward her.
You strike me as the love-struck teenager having to talk to her constantly and be around her and afraid if you don't keep her close, she will find something or someone else.
You mentioned she intiated the calls, great, let her. Don't chase.
I may be wrong here, but this is the perception I get from your interactions.
Relax, take a deep breath, for everyone's sake. She wants to be around you, focus on that, the present, not what can, might, could, should, would possibly happen.
You are right Dogma. But it doesn't matter anymore. Some fears were confirmed and I really don't think I have a snowballs chance in hell.
No negative interactions today, but I know when I've had it.
Ex and her kids came over this morning and gave me a father's day present. That was nice. Then no more interactions today. She called once but I didn't know what about then nothing.
Here's the problem. I read an e-mail she sent to a friend. It hurts. I've tried for so many months. My kids have tried like I asked them. They roughhouse with him some, but I've tried to be a decent referee. But I guess not enough and too little too late. It's okay. Here's the e-mail.
Quote: I was just a little nervous about my son going because I had my kids see a child psychologist about a week ago because they had been complaining, particularly Sean, about how their step brothers belittled them and were generally agressive with them, swore at them, stuff like that. My ex was also guilty of belittling my kids so it only makes sense that his kids would follow suit. monkey see/monkey do. Anyway, that's a big reason we're not together anymore. The counselor talked with me with them and then them alone and she basically told me that Sean feels unsafe being with them and it also seems since the divorce, they take a little bit more out on him. I was really surprised that Sean wanted to go to Chicago because of all of that and it also made me sad because it's him trying to fit in with them like an acceptance thing
I think this sums up that it doesn't matter how she possibly feels about me she will always feel either my kids or I are the bad guys. I wouldn't exactly call what I did belittling, but if that's the perception then that is how I need to treat it. I want things to work but I don't know how. Guess I need to take UDs advice. Either that or give up.
I'm seriously considering the latter. Because what I see down that road is that I'm not allowed to be a father figure but someone that walks on eggshells. I blew it and I should just accept that I can't repair the damage.
I'd like to take a week or two to start truly getting the feel of how things are on my own. Or I guess with me and my apparently beastly kids.
The impossible thing is that my kids are not beastly. With the exception of rough play they have treated both of her kids better than other kids. These are children that have no (I mean none) friends. I've got to think.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
She just wants to be friends (I need to remember that means "for now"). Damn me. 
. I think you realized already that you were crowding your W and so I will keep my 2x4 to myself because I am sure I will need it to whack you with soon. I am sure that W's son will report to her that he had a good time etc. and hopefully you would have scored a point in the area that really matters for you IMHO. I.e. the melded family issue. I am not sure if you have revisited or firmed up any goals in that regard, i.e. how you are going to show your W that you are working on blending your two families together. How about putting this together and focusing on this for the next three months?
And anyway since you are already feeling bad about the physical stuff, put that in the "OK, I messed up, I am just human" category and start with a beginner's mind.