Update and musings on something Jo said on Gabriel's thread.
Quote: It is a way of keeping you near to her and ensuring you don't fall in love with somebody else, esp. the offer to hang out in her house.
She wants to own you without the commitment. I think you did well to say no.
I worry that's what my ex is doing, just keeping me close without commitment.
Here's the perspective. Last night I get home and ex-W is mowing the lawn. I was exhausted so I lay down for a bit. After she's done I call her in to the bedroom (yes...initiating) and pat the bed for her to lay next to me. We have a little discussion about the day and then I give her a massage which is something I used to do quite frequently and she always enjoyed. Still does, even from me. She relaxed nicely and enjoyed it. I ended just essentially touching her face softly. One big difference is that massages often led to me approaching her sexually. This time I completly refrained. No inappropriate touching at all. We ended up napping for a bit next to each other. It was really nice.
After that she asked if I wanted to go to her parents for dinner. I was hesitant partly because I ate there last night (without her) and felt like a mooch. I said I shouldn't for that reason. She said "you probably should". I told her I had stuff to do. She asked again and I said "I'd think about it." Before driving off she asked again if I was going over there and I said I had to get some stuff done but give me a ring. She called back in 15 minutes to say it was okay with her parents if I came. It seemed she was pretty determined I go.
So I went over. It was a nice dinner. Cards afterwards. We got on just fine. Then she had to dash since she had forgotten to do some work.
That brings me to today and the question of what kind of pursuit the weekend holds. My intent is to not initiate and to avoid anything physical should we do something together.
Hope everyone has a nice weekend. I'm really stoked because my kids will be back this weekend. WooHOOO!!!! I'm on vacation next week and we're off to the Six Flags near Chicago. If anyone is familiar with other fun things to do in the Chicago area let me know.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Man, I envy your interactions with your W!! Even though I am sure it is extremely frustrating to go thus far and no further....Yikes, are you like trying to become Mahatma Gandhi or what? You are putting yourself to the test there, man. BUT THAT WAS A GREAT EXAMPLE of a 180!!!! I mean, being so close to your W and not initiating sex? I think you just did great. And from what I have read in M/V women love that. And also you demonstrated that you were in control. Excellent performance!!
It takes time and I have really sucked at it but it seems like the only way to break out of this orbit in which our WAWs keep us is to move away and hope that they come to you. But first you have to earn their trust. This takes a seemingly endless amount of patience and hard work. I am just getting to that stage where I think it is time for me to act like I am making an exit. Note that when you played hard-to-get your W pursued you. Of course when you return the favor she will run. It is a really crazy stupid dynamic and seems to get played out ad infinitum. I also tend to think that the WAW likes to have that gravitational power over you where she keeps you in that orbit. I think it would change the dynamic if you just ceased to orbit around her. That requires a lot of GAL and act-as-if.
But, man, am I jealous of you.
Hey Wes, I live near the Chicago area and there are some great museums to see if your kids are old enough :
Museum of natural history, The Art Museum, Musueum of Science and Tech. "The miracle mile" on Michigan Avenue is a fun place to hang out. All the museums are within walking distance from the miracle mile. It is a fun place and I hope you enjoy yourself.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
It sounds like the interactions w/her are still leaning towards the positive side! Hope you were able to catch up on your sleep (my s was up until 4.30a today so I'm feeling a bit sleep deprived too)
Quote: I'm on vacation next week and we're off to the Six Flags near Chicago. If anyone is familiar with other fun things to do in the Chicago area let me know.
I'm not sure of too much around there. We used to enjoy the natural science and history museum but I haven't been there in a few years tho. Hopefully it hasn't gone downhill. The zoo is nice. There are all kinds of outlet malls now in the outlying areas if the kids like shopping! Lots of unique shops downtown too.
I don't know how much time you will have next week, but 3 hrs from Chicago is the waterpark capital of world! (sorry, just have to put in a plug for my adopted city!)
Happy Friday to you too. Thanks for the advice on places to go. My kids are 13 and 11 so plenty old for science and nature (plus they like that kind of thing).
In response to this:
Quote: it seems like the only way to break out of this orbit in which our WAWs keep us is to move away and hope that they come to you. But first you have to earn their trust. This takes a seemingly endless amount of patience and hard work.
That follows the vein that I agree with...the "first you have to earn their trust" part. Maybe I'm just rationalizing my behavior, but a problem with the LRT and going dark is that you are counting on them missing you. But if you go dark at a time when they still think you are the unchanged jerk that they left I don't see why they would have incentive to miss you. I agree that at some point I can't orbit around my ex anymore but I would like to have shown through my actions that I have changed for the better and that I'm someone she would like to pursue. Since I'm going to be gone most of next week I think it will give us each a break to reflect. I think the difficulty is figuring out to what degree and at what pace you start to move away.
As always thanks for input.
P.S. Maybe I am trying to be Gandi. I was only wearing underwear while giving massage and taking the nap so....I showed quite a bit of willpower.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
You break it down quite nicely and succinctly and in a very positive way. Thank you.
The only clarification....I was in my own bed half naked. She was over at my place mowing the lawn and then laid down with me on my bed. And God I hope she was frustrated and needing willpower.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I am not very perceptive (as you noted yesterday on my thread) but it seems to me (as Jo says) your W really wants to be in an R with you but has a mental block due to the issues relating to melded families etc. She does not know how to make that work it seems. In light of this, your goals that you laid out over on that other thread are well targeted. Would it actually help for you (alone first and perhaps later together) to seek professional help in identifying how that aspect of the relationship can be worked out? It seems too complicated (but also specific) for non-professionals to be handling. Just a thought.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
She's looking for excuses to see you. If I asked to go over and mow my H's lawn now, he'd think I was MAD. That's something you do when you're a couple.
So she comes over to 'help' you out, then goes in your BEDROOM to lie down with you in your UNDERWEAR and oh my dear, she suddenly comes over with a headache, so dearie me, you have to massage her
I don't buy that for one minute.
I am a woman and I can tell you, if that was me I would have planned that on purpose to try and get you to sleep with me. I think she wanted you to. I have faked headaches in the past because H used to sleep with me to make my headache go away (it worked).
The fact that she's confident enough to go in to your house, lie in your bed, let you touch her and watch you with virtually nothing on, says it all, man
Just make sure she commits properly before you make any serious plans, as she sounds similar to my H about being commitment-shy.
How is your weekend going so far? I hope things are going well. Mine is fine.
Quick post, possibly the last for a week or so, but I'll certainly check in to see how you all are doing and check on any words of wisdom. I love the post on Bruce's thread. Too bad I didn't bust my divorce, but we can't all be so lucky.
Okay, updates: Friday...went to a biker thing with my ex sister-in-law. I was a little surprised that after my SIL asked my ex-wife to go that my ex suggested she ask me. My ex has always been a little worried that her sister might try something. Either she doesn't care or she believes me when I say I'm not interested. My ex did call to see if I'd watch the kids a bit while she went to the gym. I'm glad I got to. The kids and I went and had dinner at this place with games. It was a good time. When she was done I asked her to meet me at this park to drop off the kids and so she could walk the dog. She misunderstood where I would be and I had to call to see where she was. Once she figured it out she said "I'm coming honey". I don't know if she caught that or not. It took her forever to get there. I did have a decent 180 in that I would usually get upset at being made to wait.
Okay...so Saturday. She called to see how the night went. Then later that day I was talking to her and she asked if we were going to a movie. So we did end up going. We sat next to each other and whispered about stuff. At one point she asked whether something was going to happen and I lied about it. When it didn't happen she was playfully smacking me and saying "I could just kill you". It was in a cute way. After that we went to dinner then they took off. She called later for no good purpose. I suspect to see if I stayed home or not, but who really knows.
So she called this morning to see if I wanted to go for a walk...actually she worded it "have you walked the dog yet." I told her "No, but you can walk him if you want." to which she replied "you're not coming with?" So I did go. Really nice walk. Pleasant convo. Some playful ribbing.
Don't know what is in store for the rest of the day. Tomorrow I'm off to Chi-town. I'm taking her son along. She's worried about it and was giving me a hard time about "losing her son". I told her that hurt my feelings and she was "you know I'm just kidding."
So really nothing different here. I still haven't turned down any invites or had other plans. And I haven't pretended to have plans. I think that I better occasionally have plans or at least refuse and make some. I'm weak though. I like being around her too much.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
