I just keep on living up to my self-proclaimed title of king of pursuit. But I had good reason...I did...really.
My ex is taking her LSAT today and is really worried. So I called this a.m. to wish her luck and tell her she'd do great. She's been saying she'll do bad and I've told her she'll do great that she's a smart woman(is that invalidating her feelings?...should I say...yeah, you'll do bad). This is different for me...I feel I haven't been there enough for her. That I haven't been that supportive.
Anyway, she is a half hour away from her test. She gives me a call and says she's really nervous ("sh*tting her pants"). I make some light remarks hoping she'll feel better. Tried to reassure her that she'll do great.
But what I take from this is a positive. Her parents are here...her sister is here...she's got other friends...but she calls me at this important time. Of course she might have called all those other people too, but at least she thought of me.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Hi. Not much to add, Mr. King of Pursuit but a suggestion on the LSAT thing...How about calling and leaving a message on her home machine saying how proud you are of her and how you hoped it went well. Maybe asking to hear about it?
One of the things that my h does really, really well is to celebrate the accomplishments even if the "results aren't in". It makes me feel like he "gets it" and it's even more awesome when he sits and listens to the details of what happened.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I'm honored that you dropped in Sage. I do need to say to my ex "I'm proud of you" because I truly am. She does need to hear that. Her PMA is really low. In reality I've never seen her less self-assured since I've known her. She's focused on negative things physically (ie my face is so wrinkly..."are my thighs huge?") , poo-poo's compliments ("No I'm not" if I say she's intelligent). It is so different I don't know if it's an act or if her self-esteem is currently low.
Actually, being the pursuer that I am I already covered the post-test base. When I was on the phone earlier I asked her to call me when she was done to tell me how it went. I said if she got back soon enough I'd take her out for a celebratory drink for being done with the studying and worrying (even though she still will worry about the score).
Do you really think I'd miss an opportunity to pursue Sage? My problem is finding the right time not to pursue. But I did need to remember to not only think something...but to express it to her. Thanks for reminding me.
Sage if you answer again....how are you doing? Long time no hear.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Your subject line cracked me up! It's definitely not that you're not doing well...more that I could relate to the LSAT thing (h is in law school) and also I've had recent experience with h where he celebrates pretty much every milestone I make...it means a lot to me.
I'm doing ok...I took a new job a few weeks ago and so I'm in that limbo time of giving notice (just told my team today ) and all...trying to tie up the loose ends before I move on. It's been hectic with graduating school and the new job thing...hmmm...I think I need to update my thread!
Thanks for asking !
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
UD, I liked the word so I'm keeping it to describe myself. I'm glad you are doing so well sage. Thanks for keeping us informed.
Okay...now to tonight. My W (I decided to still call her this). She called after her test to tell me about it. I'm glad she did. She sounded like she was pleased with her performance. I picked up her kids and we set up the tent. It is incredibly windy so this should be a really long night.
Anyway, she came by and we had a pleasant dinner here and nice discussion. I just don't know what the hell to do. I feel like she wants me to pursue but not pursue. On one hand she initiates hugs (she hugged me as soon as she got here....at which point I told her I was proud of her) and at other times seems like she's getting close to me just for that purpose. But before she left she said she was going to take a bath and I said "in the big tub." meaning mine to which she pretend laughed like it will never happen and then replied..."let's be friends" and then hugged me (I interpreted it to mean...quit trying to go past friendship). I was just joking, but I see I need to completely withdraw physically. I really need to keep her away from hugging and stuff too I think. This isn't fair that she initiates and I don't.
But anyway...she's really sweet even if she won't let me love her. Hmmmmm
What do I do?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Wes, I just love reading your posts. Indefatiguable - that definitely describes you.
you commented on calling her your W yet. I've been trying to keep that in the forefront of my mind. I have so many friends and relatives that want to just blast away at my 'H' and it sometimes gets tiring defending him, but I need to keep doing that now. I still see him calling me 'w' every now and then too.
I am making a commitment for myself today, that I will just focus on the positives steps and to quit psychoanalyzing the negative ones.
I think it was a nice thought that you made w/your w about the 'big tub'. Even though she pushed you away a bit, you might have brought some pleasant memories up for her to think about.
So, to pursue by not pursuing? I am evolving into your line of thinking that if I go completely dark and drop my pursuit of 'h', he will think that I am not wanting any future R w/him. My feeling is don't let her push you away right now. She is testing you and seeing if you can still be there when she does push. It looks like there has been some good interactions between both of you, keep focusing on this.
So, if she initiates hugs, hug her back and enjoy the moment. I am probably saying the wrong things and going against the 180 principle but we won't know what is out there if we don't continue to follow the pursuit. Continue doing the things that work.
On your last comment "even if she won't let me love her." Who says you can't love her? No one can make you stop loving someone, even her.
Ok, I need to quit telling you what to do and make some more changes in my life! Take this whole post as just MHO.
Most people on this bb would kill to have what you have right now. I know how hard (sorry, no pun intended , but I did a double take after I typed that and then it stood out like a sore thumb, jeez, no pun intended there either, I better quit ) it is when the WAW gives you some physical contact but does not want to go any further. Remember the Deida view of when your W says ..."let's be friends", she is leaving out "for now" at the end of that.
Just keep the positive interactions going and encourage hugs etc if she initiates it. You are our guinea pig here, we want to see what a pursuer can get away with. I wish you the best.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Thank you so much...I feel like I've been given license to pursue. At least in moderation. I might be swinging back and forth philosophically in regards to interacting with my wife, but action wise I think I've stayed pretty constant with "do what works". I did see her this morning...yes and we hugged and she put her hands on my chest to "feel my breasts". I dressed up for the occasion this am. Made sure I smelled good. Venusians out there....any cologne you recommend? Or should I do the pheromones as UD suggests?
Anyway, this quote from UD made my day...
Quote: Deida view of when your W says ..."let's be friends", she is leaving out "for now" at the end of that.
I'm going to mentally complete that if it comes up again, but my goal here is to avoid getting to the point where she has to say anything. I want her to just be happy in the moment with me without having to think at all.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
A quick update, but mainly a question. My ex asked this morning if I'd watch the kids a bit so she could go to the gym. I agreed, but her parents asked if I want to go play bingo so I called her back and asked if I could move the time to watch them. She said to just forget it. Anyway...of interest she said "maybe tomorrow. Although maybe you won't want to see me tomorrow". I asked why not and she said "because it's our anniversary".
Yes, that's right. I forgot. How do you like that? Anyway, I called several times for no reason tonight. Interactions were fine. I still feel guilty that she remembered tomorrow is our anniversary and I didn't. That's got to say something. Oh well...that day is meaningless to me now. The day I started a marriage that wasn't good. If I had an anniversary now it might mean more. Anyway, happy early anniversary to me. Do you suppose I should do something?
But that's not the question. I have got myself thinking really hard about my ex-wife. I'm not sure I know her. She isn't the woman I met and married. She has gotten completely different in some ways. She writes on these web sites and in e-mails to these other moms and she sounds like she wants to be a twenty something..or eighteen year old. She writes like she's a cool teenager instead of nearly 40 years old. She is spending quite a bit of money on clothes for herself. This is a woman that only works 20 hours a week and gets child support, but eats out quite a bit, spends quite a bit of money on herself and also has really done a lot of spoiling her kids since she moved out. Granted she just got a bunch of money from me, but she spends like she is still with me. Her kids have gotten a lot worse behaved since she moved out. They are acting out a ton and being quite rebellious and I anticipate it will only get worse. They are really disrespectful to me anymore.
Which leads me up to....Seriously what does she bring to the table? Why am I so interested in this pursuit? Is it just because I can't have her? I started this on Jo's thread and I've been wondering ever since why this woman is so important to me. Does she in fact deserve me? I'm not trying to be conceited. I'm just thinking that I have come a long way in treating people better, that I could be a good partner to someone, and I think I could grow even more if I had someone that was interested in growing with me. I don't know if my ex-wife is there. She's going in a different direction.
I mean, that seems to be the situation with a lot of us. Gabriel, Jo, Bruce, JRB, UD, Koshka....to me it sounds like all these people and more have worked hard to make vast improvements in themselves, yet the spouses carry around anger, resentment, baggage, and a belief that they are somehow better than us and our best efforts could never be enough. Meanwhile, with very few exceptions our spouses don't actually make any changes or improvements to themselves. Almost makes me wish I had been the one to walk away while she still loved me so that I could hold all the cards.
Yes I know...I'll get blasted for this. Plus it's not really in character for me. I'm introspective tonight. Just answer me....why am I doing this? What would I do if she said she wanted to move back in? What would be different this time around except for me? Even with my best DBing I don't know if I can just sit back and take whatever is thrown at me. Just let her kids do what they want and talk disrespectfully while my wife defends it? Or watch my wife spend all her free time on the computer while everything else goes to pot? No thank you.
The scarey thought for me as I was thinking....is part of the reason I continue to pursue, call, do sexual innuendos,etc because I don't care if I succeed? Or maybe that I even want to fail but have fun doing it? Do I really just want to be a friend with perks and if she really wanted to be married again I'd crap my pants?
Well that's probably enough deep thought for tonight. Wish me a happy anniversary for tomorrow. I think I should get out and do something.
Thanks for listening. Probably the only one that will offer any agreement here is Dogma. Aint that right Bruce?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I'm not sure which part you think you'll get blasted for (maybe the WA part?) but I don't think there's anything amiss with really thinking about why you are doing "this"...it makes real sense, don't you think, to figure out if you're being motivated by true desire for her, simply wanting what you think you cannot have, somewhere in the middle or something else entirely? In fact, I think it could be really liberating (and motivating) to say "yes, this is why I'm pursuing this" even if the motivations turn out to be a mixture what one might label "positives" and "negatives".
I guess I'd add, I don't think you want to live forever in the mulling over state (not that I think you will because you're so action oriented) but if it gets you closer to figuring out what your goals are, well, that sounds like a good thing to me.
Happy anniversary -- I think you asked if you should do anything...how about a phone call that lets w know how much you appreciated some of the things about your M? I wouldn't suggest going over board but I can't imagine that she wouldn't be positively responsive to a "I really appreciated the times that we had together" call.
My two cents, as always, Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
But I had good reason...I did...really.
But I did need to remember to not only think something...but to express it to her. Thanks for reminding me.
It's definitely not that you're not doing well...more that I could relate to the LSAT thing (h is in law school) and also I've had recent experience with h where he celebrates pretty much every milestone I make...it means a lot to me.
) and all...trying to tie up the loose ends before I move on. It's been hectic with graduating school and the new job thing...hmmm...I think I need to update my thread!
, but I did a double take after I typed that and then it stood out like a sore thumb, jeez, no pun intended there either, I better quit 
) it is when the WAW gives you some physical contact but does not want to go any further. Remember the Deida view of when your W says ..."let's be friends", she is leaving out "for now" at the end of that.