Re your comment: "It's odd, but doesn't it seem that these walk-aways are really critical? It might sometimes be in a teasing way but there is often a putdown somewhere in there."
yes, i have seen evidence of that in my W as well. It seems like, particularly since I have taken charge of the house and seem to be managing my life well, including single-parenting my D3, anything that slips through the cracks (e.q. I applied bleach on my D3's shirt the other day to remove a stain like an idiot instead of stain-remover - used the wrong stick and she teased me about it) gets a putdown. The thing to do is to act tough and at worst give a smirk when they do that. I am using the formula "WWBPD" (What Would Brad Pitt Do?) under such situations.
Please do not pursue this weekend....It is going to be hard but let her initiate. Good luck.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Not sure that it's really initiating, but my ex-W did just call. Just to say she's stopping by the house to get her sons game and she'd let the dog out. Not really a big reason to call. She also asked why I was mad at her. Was it because of the song? "I can't even remember what it was". I told her that I wasn't angry at her (I guess maybe my aloofness was too out of character) and then reminded her of her little song. She apologized and said she was just kidding.
For the rest we discussed the car's squeaky brakes. I just had them replaced so they shouldn't be worn out yet. I'll have to see.
I was proud of me. I had her on a phone call that I didn't initiate and I didn't ask what she was doing tonight or ask her to do anything. Pat on the back for me and definitely different for me. More to follow if anything happens this weekend.
Hope you all have a wonderful weekend. And hopefully you'll all write on Monday how miraculously your ex's were at your door on their knees begging to be taken back (and hopefully you rejected their plea in order to further gain the upper hand )
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Friday: Went to play bingo at the bar with my ex-W family. Pretty fun. After a couple drinks I called her to see if she was going to make it back from dropping off her kids in time to play a game. Yes, I know. Pursuing. After that her family discussed getting tickets for a concert that was at the casino. I called again to see if she wanted me to pick up one for her. She said yes (without hesitation). She did say that she wanted someone to go walking with her. Instead of offering I asked her parents if they wanted to go with her.
Saturday morning she called fairly early and said "get out of bed, kicked that girl out of bed, and come to the gym with me." So I went. We exercised next to each other so we could discuss some stuff that happened with her sister and her sister's kids.
After that she asked if I wanted to get breakfast with her and her parents. Before that we drove around doing some errands, went to the bookstore, and the mall. It was really quite pleasant. Breakfast was relaxed. I was pretty good all day about not making any sexual innuendos or attempting anything like nibbling. I did rub her neck after she complained about it.
About an hour after getting back from breakfast she called again to see if I wanted to go rollerblading. Again I agreed. After that she wanted to go for some smokes (we're kind of social smokers). Then drove around for a bit and ended up sitting on a bench by the river talking and watching the boats go by.
So tonight, she swung by a little before the concert and looked amazing. It was all I could do not to attack her. So her and I drove to the concert with her niece and her niece's friend. It was fine. The concert was good and we both liked it. I did a little physical stuff, but not as much as usual. At one point she rubbed my back and later offered her hand to be held, but I think she felt guilty about that. The drive back was again pleasant listening to music. She left fairly abruptly from here which is good because if she had come in I don't know how well behaved I could have been.
So that's it. A fairly full day of being around her for all but a few hours. I think it was a comfortable day for the most part. But days like this make it really hard not to want to make it into more. God, I want this woman in my life. I want to grow old with her.
Well, I guess I just have to wait and see if tonight makes her withdraw or if things continue as they have been going.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Well I did it. I had a R talk. Why I don't know. I pursued. Asked if she wanted to go skating and then did all the things I was proud of myself for not doing. We had a R talk and now she knows how I feel about her. And now I know how she feels too. She'd rather have a life of uncertainty--no full time job, no house, no friends...than be with me.
But what am I doing? I'm divorced and she wants to stay that way. We'll hever be together again. I just didn't want to buy into that, but I think now I do. My heart tells me that I finally know it's over which is why it's breaking.
I don't want to hang out with her anymore. I don't feel like contacting her. I just want to get over her and have the pain end. I wanted her in my life too much. I need to accept that she isn't going to be. Not like this. If it happens it happens but I can't keep chasing after it like an imbecile. I've got to completely let go and move on.
I did start on my book again. But I need some out of the house stuff to occupy my time. There is always lots of work to do around here, but housework sucks. I don't want to type anymore. I'm getting off this rollercoaster while it's at this low point.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I don't know what to say, yesterday sounded like such a nice day for you and your ex. Don't let the R talk get to you too much, she is the one losing out, not you.
When I finished reading your last few posts, you successfully triggered the best swearing session I've had in a while. I'll censor it here: DADGUMMIT, WHAT IN TARNATION ARE YOU THINKING , MAN!!!
Quote: So We had a R talk and now she knows how I feel about her. And now I know how she feels too. She'd rather have a life of uncertainty--no full time job, no house, no friends...than be with me.
Wes, buddy....you know better than this. Believe none of what they say and only half of what they do. Her actions speak loudly regarding her enjoyment of your presence in her life.
However, over and over in your sitch, I see her doubting your ability to self-feed. She doesn't want to take care of your emotional needs right now, not when she's hurting, confused, and wondering about her future.
Paint yourself as not needing her, Wes, but enjoying her company as well. It'll remove this big area of hesitation in her. A big part of this will involve not asking her for reassurances, which is what R convos are about at the heart, IMHO.
Its your choice to throw in the towel on your R or not. But if you do so now, know that you may be quitting right when there is a ton of hope in your sitch. Her wanting to be friends, to keep you in contact with her family, all are the foundation stones for a future, revised, wonderfully different R. Are you ready and willing to do things differently/ to be different so that you are that partner in her future?
I'm sorry you're hurting, buddy. And if all this contact is too much, then a little backing off is just fine, especially all pursuit on your part. The old rules of interaction aren't functional anymore, and leaving contact to her seems to be working wonderfully. Maybe let it sit there and see how that goes.
Thanks for the hugs. I needed them today. I went where I shouldn't have and paid the price.
Gabe, I know...believe half of what they do and none of what they say. I brought those things out. I feel as though I've set myself back a ways with her.
Quote: Paint yourself as not needing her, Wes, but enjoying her company as well. It'll remove this big area of hesitation in her. A big part of this will involve not asking her for reassurances, which is what R convos are about at the heart, IMHO.
I'm not giving up, but this is essentially what I was trying to express. I was doing a wonderful job of painting not needing her, but blew it today. What I actually need to do is get to the point where I absolutely do not need her. Well, I know I don't "need" her but it is killing me that we could be so perfect together.
T, it didn't end as bad as all that. There was no fight and she didn't say get away. She didn't even come right out and say there is no way we are ever getting back together. Although she might as well have. She just said she was worried that I would get hurt and that she didn't want me hoping. She also encouraged me to start over with someone else. I set myself up for this and today I'll just take my lumps. I'll brush myself off tomorrow and get back to business. Time to work on that life.
Take care all. Thank you for your words. Today is a day when I really need support. I haven't been this weak in months. I don't know exactly what it is.....probably squashed hope.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Come on, you are kidding, arent you? There is NO WAY IN H that you are quitting. You are (by your own admission) the biggest pursuer on this forum. Then, you will also fall the hardest because you are going to get your expectations really high and then an R talk will happen. You are only human. I agree with Gabriel 100% man.
I love reading Deida and he says something about a woman's thinking- what a woman says is just what she is feeling at the moment. It has nothing to do with what she sees happening in the future. At that moment when you cornered her she said she is happy where she is. Duh, of course!!
Look at her actions Wes, she cant stay away from you. I would actually smile to myself silently if my W told me what she is saying to you instead of getting all upset (yeah, right, you are happy where you are, and that is why you come around here to be with me all the time?). You know what, Wes, it would not hurt for you to enjoy her company, but perhaps could get you closer to your goal if you seriously GALed and put your masculinity one gear higher. Do anything, work out, put on muscle, use pheromones, anything.
Come on, dust yourself off, get your bloody PMA up and smile as she cuts through your heart. You are doing great with your contacts with your W, just dont let your expectations get in your way. I have been in that mode for 2 years, my W would not touch me for that time, but in the past couple of weeks there is a lot of accidental touching. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
I needed that. I haven't been able to find the Deida book yet, but I'll try the library later. It sounds good.
I fell into the classic pitfall of cornering her and then believing what she said.
I'm okay today. I'm all brushed off now and going to get back to being friends without that stupid pressure I was applying. And letting her initiate.
She did call several times yesterday afternoon. I was at the movie at that time (phone was on manner mode...didn't answer). I watched Cinderella Man...if you haven't seen it you should. I thought it was very moving. Actually in my emotionally weakened condition I was ...tearful. Anyway, I called her back when the movie was over. She said she was calling to see if I wanted to go with her to pick up the kids (100 miles away). Then the later call was just to see how the movie was. I told her it was great and she should go. When she said she'd rent it...I did do a little pursuing (wasn't really thinking that at the time...just stoked about the movie) and said "you got to see it on the big screen..I'll take you".
Tonight her kids come over to sleep in the tent. That was prearranged before this little setback. So I guess I'll see her tonight.
Ta Ta everyone. Have a good Monday.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
The book you want is called "The Way of the Superior Man". It is a bit off the wall and a little counter-culture and non-PC. Dont let your W read it or your posterior will be grass if she is even remotely a feminist. But it seems like your W has a strong feminine quality and it explains how men can relate to women like that without losing their edge.
Good to see you have bounced back! All PMA crashes only last 12-hours or so......
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
and she teased me about it) gets a putdown. The thing to do is to act tough and at worst give a smirk when they do that. I am using the formula "WWBPD" (What Would Brad Pitt Do?) under such situations.
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