I have to agree w/jo here, bruce. If we don't leave room for the ex to come back, we will never know if they would have.
Maybe we can't change the course of our relationships, but at least for me, in trying to work through this, I will be better prepared if I do end up having to find someone else to spend the rest of my life with. And I can keep working on building a better friendship with my ex. I owe that much to our s.
I can't tell what my ex is thinking, (I probably wouldn't really want to!) but his actions still tell me at times that he enjoys being around me. And I enjoy his company, so we start there and move forward w/whatever may come.
Quote: I can't tell what my ex is thinking, (I probably wouldn't really want to!) but his actions still tell me at times that he enjoys being around me. And I enjoy his company, so we start there and move forward w/whatever may come.
Hey guys,
I never suggested I was not open to a new R with X. But I do not believe this is her intention. She was the one who wanted out of the R for a myriad of reasons. And yes, I would like a second chance to not make the same mistakes we made in the past.
But I cannot mislead myself by believing every time I see her or talk to her, she is thinking about a future R. I know I was guilty of overreading her behavior and then being disappointed when she failed to meet my unspoken expectations.
Yes, it is much better to have positive interactions with her. I read so many situations here where the X's barely speak and are hostile. I do not want that. But I also cannot continue to convince myself her actions have additional meaning.
Yes, it is ultimately about being a stronger, better person for ourselves. And as we know, DB in no way guarantees you will revive your R or M or get the person you want back in your life. Should the opportunity arise and as you develop new relationships, I hope we are better equipped to deal with them.
Differing perspectives. It makes it hard to know what is right. We are still trying to analyze motives.
Actually she didn't want me to mow her lawn...she came by and mowed MY lawn. Big difference.
This is my feeling on the issue of what our ex's want (or at least mine) and how we deal with them. I could be completely off base. My ex-W in her head believes that she doesn't want anything more than a friend to do things with occasionally. She enjoys being around me as long as there isn't too much pressure. But it is for her own gratification. My wants don't come into it. She feels guilty for how things shook out. But I truly believe that she has went over the reasons she left and sees the whole marriage thing as completely unworkable. Plus she doesn't feel "in love". It is essentially no different than when she walked away.
BUT (big but here), I agree with Jo. Friendship is the start. She wants me in her life under her own terms. I want her in my life under mine. Isn't that how it is with most relationships? Especially in the beginning? We initially want someone to go to movies with, make-out with, have sex with, go to dinner with, etc. We use the other person for companionship. Initially and maybe for months or years we like the person but may not be in love. We are willing to ditch the relationship in the early going if it looks too complicated. I want this friendship, even if that's all my ex-W wants, because the basis of a good relationship and marriage is friendship. My thought is that eventually love will grow from that. She won't be able to help herself.
That being said I do realize that I do need to be more like her-satisfied with the times we are together and willing to only be friends. The rest of the time I need to immerse myself in my own thing so that I don't need her. That's where my future goals lie, completely in the arena of getting a life.
Wes
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
How is it we can see so much after the storm, but we could not see it coming?
Quote: My ex-W in her head believes that she doesn't want anything more than a friend to do things with occasionally. She enjoys being around me as long as there isn't too much pressure. But it is for her own gratification. My wants don't come into it. She feels guilty for how things shook out. But I truly believe that she has went over the reasons she left and sees the whole marriage thing as completely unworkable. Plus she doesn't feel "in love". It is essentially no different than when she walked away.
This, I believe as well, is the core of the R they have or want with us. No pressure. No intimate intentions. Simply being.
Can we live with this? We really only have two choices.
My vote is to go with the positive interactions as well. And I should be telling you the opposite because I have been in this for two years. Actually the first year does not count because I was a basket-case and acting like an angry self-righteous imbecile that whole year. Not very inviting to my W to fall back in love with me. I have slowly clawed my way back and things were improving and then the pressure of the two-year mark caused a kaboom event for her and she asked for D. You have no choice and in any case you dont have it that bad, why not enjoy your W's company and let her enjoy yours. The million dollar question and the reall key to your success will be : can you keep your expectations under check and apply no pressure at all and be entirely selfless, treat this as your atonement for all your past sins (from singing the neighborhood cat's tail to hurting your W)? That is very hard.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Quote: The million dollar question and the reall key to your success will be : can you keep your expectations under check and apply no pressure at all and be entirely selfless, treat this as your atonement for all your past sins (from singing the neighborhood cat's tail to hurting your W)?
No, I can not atone for burning the neighborhood cat's tail.
Actually, I honestly don't know if I can keep my expectations under check. I try. As I work on my own life and letting go I'll have an easier time.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Update for the night. I had a brief IM chat with her last night. She indicated she wanted to come over and see the dog today. Anyway, today not much contact. I called and asked her to bring back my laptop.
So tonight I was mowing the lawn when she came over. I just kept on cutting for a bit, but did stop when the bag was full to say "Hi". She asked if I wanted to go get some dinner. I hedged a bit, but said Okay.
Dinner was fine...actually pretty fun. She needled me a bit about my so called "bad driving" asking me why I was such a crazy man. I said...just who I am, rather than tell her I was a good driver. It's odd, but doesn't it seem that these walk-aways are really critical? It might sometimes be in a teasing way but there is often a putdown somewhere in there.
I was good tonight. I didn't touch her at all. I didn't make any inuendos and I didn't show her undo attention. I told her she looked nice and that was it. When we got back here they hung out for awhile. I cut the grass with my step-kids help while she puttered around the yard or jumped on the trampoline with the kids. She kept kind of teasingly coming up to me while I was mowing. I normally would take the bait and grab her kiddingly. Tonight I didn't. I kept somewhat aloof.
Oh, the most telling thing of all happened. The only real truth I've heard from her in months. The song by Three Doors Down called "let me go" was on as we pulled into the driveway. It's the song that goes "you love me but you don't know who I am". Well she came up to me after we got out of the car and sang "you love me but I just don't give a damn". I said...."of that I have no doubt" and went off to mow.
So the purpose of this post. This weekend is a big test---of my willpower and where my ex is with us. Her kids are off to their dad's. Mine are out of town for the next two weeks. So both of us with a free weekend. So can I avoid asking her out? And will she ask me to do something? I think I'm once again setting myself up for disappointment because I want her to ask me to go to the bar or to a movie. I'm such a loser. I just can't avoid pursuing.
Well that's all for this post. What are your thoughts about this weekend? Do you think I should just take her song words to heart..."you love me but I just don't give a damn"? LOL
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I'm beginning to wonder if there is some subliminal messages in the songs by Three Doors Down. My ex bought one of their cds just before he filed!
Sounds like a nice evening overall. Maybe you can just drop the hint that you have nothing planned on Friday or Saturday night and see if she takes it from there to ask you.
And as Bruce says, make plans to do something. Have you found yourself a hobby yet?
Oh, I'm doing something this weekend with or without my ex, even if it's just catching Cinderella Man which I'm very anxious to see. I know my ex was too. I'm not going to hold my breath that she will even ask what I'm doing. Why should she...she doesn't give a damn if I love her.
Well I'm off to South Dakota for work. Cross your fingers that the little twin engine doesn't go down in flames. I'll have to look into weekend plans after I get back.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
The song by Three Doors Down called "let me go" was on as we pulled into the driveway. It's the song that goes "you love me but you don't know who I am". Well she came up to me after we got out of the car and sang "you love me but I just don't give a damn". I said...."of that I have no doubt" and went off to mow.