I'm glad to see you back...and I'm very glad to hear how things are going. To answer your question...no, it's not unusual to be turned on in situations where you no nothing is going to happen...that happens to me too. But, if I do find I get turned on then I'm more likely to want to make sure something happens later on.
Good for you for putting the book down and doing something you knew he'd like....I'm not a big sportsfan myself, but my H LOVES fast cars, so occasionally I will go to the track with him. We have a vette that he loves to do time-trials with....this is a HUGE snoozer for me, but he loves it...and he really enjoys it when I go with him....so I go every now and then...honestly I don't go all the time the noise really hurts my ears (and I hate earplugs)...but I do make an effort to go much more often than I'd like to LOL....it makes him happy.
My H also bucked the "schedule" he doesn't like the idea of one either. Of course he's LD and for him it probably puts the pressure of "having" to do something; whereas he'd like it to be spontaneous...although he never is LOL. But he's trying, I'll definitely give him that
Sorry to hear MrDoglover is not feeling well, hopefully he'll be feeling better soon!
DL... I admire the way you are working to improve your SL by making it a priority and tuning into your H, as well as paying attention to your own sexuality. You don't seem to have as much of the anger and resentment many of us on the board have struggled with.
I think you'll find PM an interesting read...I love his optimism and his statements about intimacy developing in middle age with maturity.
Congrats on your nice weekend...hope H feels better soon!
As I see it, more of the posters on this BB are HD and it's the HD spouses who feel more of the anger and resentment all the time. They are struggling with this unresolved desire (which is probably why they are so motivated to post). We LD spouses are sometimes blissfully unaware of what's happening until our HD spouse explodes with frustration. THEN the LD spouse may react defensively ("all you're interested in is sex", "why don't you pay attention to my other needs?", "if you were more thoughtful/helpful/empathic etc THEN I'd be more turned on") etc.
Although I think the "just do it" theory is helpful and there's some merit to the theory that, for some, desire follows arousal (often true for me - "Yes!" I said when I read about the engraved bracelet or tatoo "I love Sex!") I am determined to get more in touch with my own sexuality. Yes, I want to meet my H's needs and what's good for my H is good for the R. But I'm also determined to see that it's good for me too. I think that thinking selfishly will be most helpful in the long run.
I am enjoying PM, but it's slow going.
Doglover
Quote: DL... I admire the way you are working to improve your SL by making it a priority and tuning into your H, as well as paying attention to your own sexuality. You don't seem to have as much of the anger and resentment many of us on the board have struggled with.
I think you'll find PM an interesting read...I love his optimism and his statements about intimacy developing in middle age with maturity.
Congrats on your nice weekend...hope H feels better soon!
IHJ
There are many wise, empathetic and funny people here: you are my buddies - I'm grateful for your support.
My theory is that some HD spouses are verbal about their anger and resentment while some LD spouses do a quiet seethe that may or may not ever explode. Many of the HD folks could be better described as incredibly sad and hurt rather than angry.
Quote: Many of the HD folks could be better described as incredibly sad and hurt rather than angry.
I agree with the sad and hurt. Throw in a big bunch of rejection and lonelyness.
I saw this somewhere and it referred to pay checks but is close to what some HD might feel when living with a SO that was HD at one time, but now is LD.
Visualise the picture of the ape looking at a peanut in between his two fingers. The caption reads "Is this all there is" or Is this all they think I am worth."
Quote: I am determined to get more in touch with my own sexuality. Yes, I want to meet my H's needs and what's good for my H is good for the R. But I'm also determined to see that it's good for me too. I think that thinking selfishly will be most helpful in the long run.
This is the absolute best thing you can do! Keep doing this! Figure out what you want in yuor sex life! Make sure to that some of the sexual encounters are geared towards your fantasies. Sexual confidence is EVERYTHING in a relationship. Keep up the good work!!!
I'm glad to see you being encouraging to someone but do you really believe sexual confidence is EVERYTHING in a marriage...like you stated? If you do, and you weren't just blowing that out of proportion in your post....you might want to examine this, because this could be YOUR hangup. Sexual confidence is a component in a good marriage (I believe so anyway)....but it is most certainly not EVERYTHING, there are many, many, many other things that are also very important (some in my view equally important)....Trust, respect, friendship, communication....just to name a few...I could go on.
I'm not blasting you here....just pointing out that "IF" you really do believe what you stated....then THAT could be your biggest issue, because I feel I can pretty much guarantee you....your W doesn't see it that way. And while I believe many people on this board would agree sexual confidence is nice and quite appealing....it's not EVERYTHING in a marriage.
Seriously, take some time and thinkg about this. If this is truly your belief, you are going to be your own roadblock.
I've been lurking but mostly not posting for a few days. (H has been sick with prostatitis which is a lousy recurrent affliction of his.)
On Sunday H's older (from his 1st M) married daughter came over for dinner for Father's Day with her 2 young D's (8 and 11) while her H is on a business trip for the week. H and I have often remarked to each other that the interactions in their household, though superficially humorous banter, are too sharp tongued for our taste.
It's not the way I like to interact. Seems to me "humor" and teasing are often at best a defensive substitute for intimacy and at worst a real putdown of other people disguised as just "lighthearted" banter.
We always remind ourselves that H's older D has baggage from the Divorce which occurred when she was 5 (and resentment/competitive feelings re our 2 kids - her half-sibs - now in their 20's), and her H is also sharp-tongued, so we mostly just try to let the remarks slide off.
But what esp bothers me is when my H falls into that mode of interaction.
Because H had not been well, it had fallen to me to do most of the work involved in having guests for dinner (tidying up the house, shopping, cooking) so I was already probably feeling a bit set-upon. And H was not in a great mood due to feeling crummy.
There is often some banter about baseball because H is a big fan and roots for an out-of-state rival from his childhood home town. He mentioned that when we recently visited our S (a gradstudent in H's childhood hometown) we went to a baseball game. I rejoined with what bad luck we have had - it rained when we had tix for 2 previous games and this time it was broiling hot. But, I said, at least this game was very exciting. H rejoined "how would you know - you weren't watching the game". And then an aside to older D and 2 grand-Ds "she doesn't even know where the goal-posts are". Older D explained to her 2 Ds (who are girly-girls and know little about sports) that of course B-ball doesn't even have goal-posts. There was general hilarity.
I was a bit stunned - I'm not quick with rejoinders (and usually don't even want to be). I mumbled something about how of course I was watching.
[Background - H is a sports fan, esp baseball; I am not. Recently, with more time due to semi-retirement and grown kids, H watches more games on TV and has subscribed to a baseball service on the internet whereby he can watch any game on the computer. I would rather read PM, send email, browse this BB, go to the gym, take a walk, even wash dishes than sit and spend several hours in front of the tube. At one point recently during a SSM discussion, H lashed out - "The problem with our M is that you're not a baseball fan. If only you'd watch games with me then we'd be fine".]
I don't think so, but I have recently been making an effort to watch the crucial last half hour of games with him, and thought I was a good sport to spend hours in the broiling sun at the ball park on Memorial Day weekend. I *was* watching, but of course missed some crucial details and asked some dumb questions since I'm not a fan.]
Anyhow, perhaps because I've been under stress at work, it really got to me Monday night when I recalled the incident. I let H know in no uncertain terms that I was hurt at his poking fun at me in front of others. I said the grandD's don't know much about Bball, but they do know a put-down when they see it. H rejoined that I was way too sensitive - "You should have just responded 'Oh I thought it was played on ice'" Anyway, H ultimately agreed that he had been poking fun at me and his "humor" was sharpened by resentment that I am not a Bball fan and he apologized. He knew, despite the fact that he's quicker-witted than I and so might have had a witty rejoinder, he would also have felt hurt in my shoes.
Anyway, it all sounds so petty to relate. But I guess the alliances we form when we're in a group setting can feel supportive - or not. And teasing "humor" can feel affectionate - but often not.
My vent in my previous post about my hurt feelings due to being the butt of teasing re my lack of understanding of Baseball was really partly due to my hurt feelings that I have recently been "stepping up to the plate" re our SSM but felt that this knock from H was really evidence that he doesn't acknowledge or appreciate how hard I have been trying - I've been initiating much more, declining much less, and in general expressing more physical affection and talking about improving our R.
Some of this comes with some overhead that H doesn't like. Disclosure: I was not a SAHM and am not a SAHW, so I have never had much of any time to myself. The routine has always been: Weekdays: at work. Evenings and weekends: tend to family and household, with leftover time, if any, for friends or self. Now, tending to the SSM of course involves much time interacting with H - talking through issues and being open to a more physical R. BUT to me it also means educating myself - reading PM, browsing this BB, which are sometimes time consuming activities (and H especially hates me to be sitting at the computer doing email or BB - I think he feels shut out). I guess I have seen these activities as basically "for our benefit", while H has seen them as activities which preoccupy me during a chunk of my meagre spare time and thus prevent me from interacting with him in ways he would prefer (such as watching baseball with him).
So here I am, the Avis W, an LDW really trying harder to be sensitive to HD(ED)H's wants and needs and trying harder to get in touch with my own sexuality. But is becoming a baseball fan too part of the bargain?
[A bit of a ramble: And, anyway, shouldn't my trying harder in these more crucial areas result in a reservoir of good feeling for H so he'll cut me some slack and especially so he won't put me down in front of others? What I especially would like is more of a sense of "we-ness" when others are around. Also acknowledgement from H in front of others that he likes the meal I've created or appreciates the effort I've put into making it a nice time for others. Of course, I don't expect him to declare publicly that he appreciates my efforts re the SSM. But other types of appreciation would feel good and would reinforce the SSM-fixing efforts.]
I would like us to work out better resolutions to these "how we should spend our leisure time" arguments. These issues have a tendency to infect the SL (and visa versa). Plus one of these days I will decide to retire. One of the things holding me back (aside from some financial concerns) is fear that if H and I are together all day we'll fight about how to spend our time, how much of it to spend together or apart and if together what to do.
Some fodder for next week's MC session.
DogLover
There are many wise, empathetic and funny people here: you are my buddies - I'm grateful for your support.
I would stick to the true issue here and the one that is causing resentment: You didn't like his comment and you don't find that brand of humor humorous.
I would kindly tell him, "You know the comment about baseball you said the other day? (he won't remember, lol) Well that hurt my feelings and I would appreciate it if, in the future, you would not tell jokes that make me look silly in front of others. It bothers me."
Then LET IT DROP. Go on with your day and let that weight be lifted from your shoulders. If he apologizes, graciously accept it and go forth with faith in your heart that he will listen to your request.
Quote: I guess I have seen these activities as basically "for our benefit", while H has seen them as activities which preoccupy me during a chunk of my meagre spare time and thus prevent me from interacting with him in ways he would prefer
Can you tell him this? That in order to work on the R, you will need some time to yourself to reframe your old ideas and behaviors and this is how you do it--reading books and the bb. Reassure him that you are doing this for the two of you and it is not an attempt to avoid him.
Then ask how you can better meet the need for recreational companionship that he obviously has. If a person is repeatedly asking for the same thing--spend time with me, watch baseball with me--I think it is dangerous to ignore that, don't you?
I understand where you are coming from..that you aren't a baseball fan, but perhaps the two of you can brainstorm some activities that would work for both of you. Do you have kids at home? What about a cleaning lady to free up some more of your time?
Quote: A bit of a ramble: And, anyway, shouldn't my trying harder in these more crucial areas result in a reservoir of good feeling for H so he'll cut me some slack and especially so he won't put me down in front of others? What I especially would like is more of a sense of "we-ness" when others are around. Also acknowledgement from H in front of others that he likes the meal I've created or appreciates the effort I've put into making it a nice time for others. Of course, I don't expect him to declare publicly that he appreciates my efforts re the SSM. But other types of appreciation would feel good and would reinforce the SSM-fixing efforts.]
I don't really think it works this way, for any of us. That is, if my spouse is trying harder in one area, yeah, I notice it and am really happy about it, but I don't know if it necessarily causes that "Oh I want to do the same!" feeling. It does...but I think that's later down the road. In the beginning stages, you will have to ask clearly for what you want and need out of the R and do it without too many pats on your own back, or he'll tune you out. You sound like a Words of Affirmation type--I am too--and I've had to really STOP fishing for compliments and using the "I do this so you should do that" logic on him, cause it did not work. The only thing that worked was me clearly stating what I needed from him, and doing this quite often until he stopped forgetting. Again, if you could show him the above paragraph, it might reinforce what he has no doubt heard you mention before. But it might be in a new "tone" or way of phrasing that really reaches him.
Has he ever read the 5 Love Languages book? Or, one that I found even more helpful was the questionnaire on the marriagebuilders dot com website. Your husband might be stuck in the mindset of "this is how you give and receive love and if a person is not doing this to me, then they don't love me". I know I was guilty of this in the past--thinking that if H loved me, he would naturally show me this love physically. It has taken a loooong time to reframe this thinking, so don't abandon ship just yet--your H will come to his conclusions in his own time and you trying to hurry the process up will probably have the opposite effect.
I think negotiating the free time is a great place to start! Good luck and keep us all posted. I'm sorry he made hurtful comments to you. I know exactly the type of humor you are talking about, since I used to use this on H frequently. One day it just hit me like a ton of bricks that, were he to talk to ME that way, I'd be awfully hurt and I swear to you I've never made those comments again. It just isn't funny.
Live and learn. It certainly doesn't mean that I love him any less. I worship the ground he walks on and that's the truth. I feel better about us now and there is a sense of we-ness that both of us have grown to love and come to depend on to get us through the day.
