I've been lurking but mostly not posting for a few days. (H has been sick with prostatitis which is a lousy recurrent affliction of his.)
On Sunday H's older (from his 1st M) married daughter came over for dinner for Father's Day with her 2 young D's (8 and 11) while her H is on a business trip for the week. H and I have often remarked to each other that the interactions in their household, though superficially humorous banter, are too sharp tongued for our taste.
It's not the way I like to interact. Seems to me "humor" and teasing are often at best a defensive substitute for intimacy and at worst a real putdown of other people disguised as just "lighthearted" banter.
We always remind ourselves that H's older D has baggage from the Divorce which occurred when she was 5 (and resentment/competitive feelings re our 2 kids - her half-sibs - now in their 20's), and her H is also sharp-tongued, so we mostly just try to let the remarks slide off.
But what esp bothers me is when my H falls into that mode of interaction.
Because H had not been well, it had fallen to me to do most of the work involved in having guests for dinner (tidying up the house, shopping, cooking) so I was already probably feeling a bit set-upon. And H was not in a great mood due to feeling crummy.
There is often some banter about baseball because H is a big fan and roots for an out-of-state rival from his childhood home town. He mentioned that when we recently visited our S (a gradstudent in H's childhood hometown) we went to a baseball game. I rejoined with what bad luck we have had - it rained when we had tix for 2 previous games and this time it was broiling hot. But, I said, at least this game was very exciting. H rejoined "how would you know - you weren't watching the game". And then an aside to older D and 2 grand-Ds "she doesn't even know where the goal-posts are". Older D explained to her 2 Ds (who are girly-girls and know little about sports) that of course B-ball doesn't even have goal-posts. There was general hilarity.
I was a bit stunned - I'm not quick with rejoinders (and usually don't even want to be). I mumbled something about how of course I was watching.
[Background - H is a sports fan, esp baseball; I am not. Recently, with more time due to semi-retirement and grown kids, H watches more games on TV and has subscribed to a baseball service on the internet whereby he can watch any game on the computer. I would rather read PM, send email, browse this BB, go to the gym, take a walk, even wash dishes than sit and spend several hours in front of the tube. At one point recently during a SSM discussion, H lashed out - "The problem with our M is that you're not a baseball fan. If only you'd watch games with me then we'd be fine".]
I don't think so, but I have recently been making an effort to watch the crucial last half hour of games with him, and thought I was a good sport to spend hours in the broiling sun at the ball park on Memorial Day weekend. I *was* watching, but of course missed some crucial details and asked some dumb questions since I'm not a fan.]
Anyhow, perhaps because I've been under stress at work, it really got to me Monday night when I recalled the incident. I let H know in no uncertain terms that I was hurt at his poking fun at me in front of others. I said the grandD's don't know much about Bball, but they do know a put-down when they see it. H rejoined that I was way too sensitive - "You should have just responded 'Oh I thought it was played on ice'" Anyway, H ultimately agreed that he had been poking fun at me and his "humor" was sharpened by resentment that I am not a Bball fan and he apologized. He knew, despite the fact that he's quicker-witted than I and so might have had a witty rejoinder, he would also have felt hurt in my shoes.
Anyway, it all sounds so petty to relate. But I guess the alliances we form when we're in a group setting can feel supportive - or not. And teasing "humor" can feel affectionate - but often not.
