Hi-New Here- Long Post

[UD]

Hello All:

Well, I am new to this bb and forum, sort of (been a lurker unsure of where I stand for a while now but unfortunately things are clearly heading south now). Please allow me to review sitch details briefly:

Me 38 , teach at U
W 34 , teach at same U
Daughter almost 3, absolutely the most amazing child in the universe (sorry, totally biased here)
Married 1996
S since July ’03 (yeah, that’s right – it’s been two years)
D has been promised this month.

Brief history of time:

W and I met at university. I was in PhD program then. Married when post-doc, she was grad student. Put her through grad school. Then we moved to current location in 1999. I got position here and she moved as adjunct and later got a permanent position (strike 1- start of resentment).

2001- her dad died after long (10-year) illness.
Since then, expressed mild unhappiness. I failed to pay heed like a typical idiot (read man). I was immersed in tenure battle (in my field a debilitating, life-sucking enterprise) at the time. So, strike 2 (stewing of resentment, wife is the kind that keeps everything bottled inside). We did have tiffs as any other couple would. Poor communication on my part. I am averse to conflict due to growing up with a guardian who was alcoholic and given to rages.
Since 2002 she had already begun to distance. Intimacy was rare and I almost had to set appointments with her for Saturday afternoon rendezvous. She has always been too tired at night. I figured she was dealing with issues connected with dad’s passing.

Late 2001 – She gets permanent position in the department where she was adjunct. I made several errors at this point. I love kids (grew up around a lot of them –big family). She was not so keen. I was afraid of her entering tenure race and us not having kids for a long time. I was being controlling, as I was given to be in hindsight. Have realized recently it is probably due to my growing up with an alcoholic guardian- definitely my personality problem. (Strike 3 – much resentment that I was pushing for kids). We decide to have a child and to defer her starting at work for a semester. She also gets a semester of leave in her work. So daughter would be one by the time she starts work. I thought this was a good timeline (boy, was I an idiot).

2002 summer- daughter is born. She is on leave for the first year but I helped her (always shared hosework 50-50, took on more since pregnancy) by keeping daughter with me on weekends so she could get work done. Usual first-year mess – lack of sleep, she is overwhelmed. Frequent complaints of tiredness, life is too hard, sees bleak future etc. I don’t know what to do, I am doing the best I can to care for her and daughter. I took good care of her during pregnancy – she acknowledges this even now. I also was 150% there for my daughter who is the light of my life. Still am.

2003 summer – days before daughter’s 1st b’day bomb drops She asks for separation, retracts it, then a month later, asks again. I leave the house and find an apartment to live. Initially she asks for a 4-month separation, then extends to a year. I am a mess and commit every folly in the DB manual. I was the poster-child for anti-DB tactics.

2004 summer – R talk (I am still clueless on DBing – begging, pleading, arguing, I was pathetic). She says she still cant make up her mind. So she leaves and finds a place to live. Buys furniture, new dishes, the works. Daughter is very attached to her (me too, but she favors mommy). So, as self-sacrifice, I have daughter stay with her through this entire mess. This has been a stake in my heart, not to mention the hundreds of other slings and arrows I have taken during rollercoaster.

2004 summer – I finally (total accident) hit upon the DB website. I have been handling things with a little bit more dignity since then. GAL include : 1) have always been a runner, so trained for marathon, ran Chicago last Oct and plan to run again. W came to watch the race and after that things improved. 2) took tennis lessons and started playing tennis on my off days – much improved game and PMA. 3) Reading a lot of relationship books (spanning Dobson on the right to Deida on the left – Amazon.com must have a special employee dealing with my purchases alone). W has also been less angry with me since then and we have had pretty nice interactions. But she still has anger and resentment inside her. Usual pursuer-distancer dynamic. Some very strong movements (particularly last holiday season) toward me and then retractions. I cannot go dark or LRT effectively due to daughter. However 2-year mark caused pressure (her lease renewal, 2-year anniversary, my body language that said what gives). So, last week she declares she wants a D. Does not know what is wrong but she cannot come back to the marriage. She is torn up inside, I know, but holds a veneer of poise. I am torn up inside, especially when I look into my daughter’s face. Daughter doing okay, we both keep in our best spirits around her. But she senses something is not right. W gets really sad when daughter says things like (in response to my “You are the sweetest baby in the world”) “You are the sweetest dada in the world” or (quote from last night) “You are a nice dada”.

Summary:

So, after a 2-year separation she has asked for a D. She says she cant figure out a way to make it work, so she sees no way out. She wore her rings or the past two years but took them off after declaring intent to pursue D last week. Reason : “She has changed” and wants something different. She has a strong case of MLC I think, but I don’t know.

I have the greatest respect for you folks. I have been lurking on the websites and reading voraciously on DB and other such things (although my theory is better than my practice – occupational hazard of being an academic). I would really appreciate interacting with you all as I muddle through what is to come. Thanks.