Just Married Last Year and W Wants To Call It Off

[Rob904]

Let me get this straight. Your wife doesn't work, you have no kids, and she spends all her time on the internet with an OM who doesn't even know she's married????

Correct, correct, and correct. It's only been my 3rd month of DBing, but I'm confident that I've been applying 180's rather well, and GAL rather well as well. Believe me in regards to the GAL aspect. I find it easier to maintain my sanity when I am away from the home. I feel as if I have been able to detach from her rather well, but truthfully, I still don't see too much improvement.

I asked in a previous post if living separately would be one alternative to our current situation, but the only reason I am leery of that course of action is because it makes the possibility of the big D all too real, imo. The major problem I have with my current situation with her and I still living together, is that I feel as if I am perpetuating the problem by allowing her to still be here.

Although I hate the thought of living separately, I think that that is what the situation may call for. I would welcome any other opinions in regards to this predicament I am in.

[wondering_why]

Rob

Sorry to hear about your situation. Strange that this should come up in your thread as i debate the same questions. The realization that i have reached can be answered by this - i plan to fill out a rental agreeement this evening on the way home from work. OUr sitchs are fundamentally different but i think the point of commonality is that both of our spouses need space.

I have tried for the past few weeks to give space while living at home and it just doesn't work - especially if there are kids - who cant figure out why daddy is in his room while everyone else is down stairs playing. It is also to easy for you to just end up in the same room and when she looks back on it, she won't see two people sitting "alone" in the same room - she will see it as you "following her around" - sorry to use quotes from my W -

i found a cheap place that has a 2 mnth cancellation agreement and we are going to try that. don't know if it will work but at least it will lend clearity for the kids - the toe half in and half out of the pool can't be good for them.

I love my wife with all my heart - much the way you love yours, but you can't make them love, trust, respect, not take advantage of, etc you. You control you and your thougths and emotions - people may try to influence how you feel and what you think but in the end it is you - sorry to ramble.

keep me posted on what goes on for you - and by the way - if your computer was to have an accident like the deletion of a key component of your internet providers software - what would happen around your home? just kidding, stay stong and sorry to jack your thread.

[Rob904]

if your computer was to have an accident like the deletion of a key component of your internet providers software - what would happen around your home?

Well, to put perspective on the above quote, do you remember what happens to Bruce Banner when he gets angry? I sort of envision things happening along that lines. But in all seriousness, I think she DEFINITELY has an internet addiction problem. She hasn't left the house for ANYTHING for almost TWO months now. It's getting a bit scary. The only time she did leave was when she was forced to when her dad was hospitalized. Other than that, she has no initiative whatsoever other than talking to OM and other "friends" she has made online. I can't begin to tell you how much that makes me feel like a doormat.

[kml]

Rob -
You may want to do some reading about internet addiction, other compulsive behaviors like gambling addiction and shopping addiction, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Some of these are successfully treated with medications like Prozac (I have a daughter with anorexia/bulimia/OCD who reponded well to high-dose Prozac).

Enabling the behavior surely doesn't help it, but you may want to find out more info before deciding on the best intervention. Does she have family or friends who would be likely to help you with an intervention?

Ellie

[Rob904]

Ellie,

Good suggestions. I never really took her addiction to the internet as a serious problem until now. I will defintely read up more on the subject. I do know that with the current sitch, I think I really am only allowing the problem to fester even more. In regards to what you said in your previous post, I do think under normal circumstances, that having her home with the hopes of her noticing my changed behavior would be the option of choice, but in the situation I am in, I really think that it is doing her more harm than good.

[Rob904]

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted to update everyone in regards to my sitch, and at the same time, wish everyone the best with their current challenges. Well....things between my W and I have improved much more in comparison to where things were at about a month ago. We have spoken about our problems, and have identified many issues that caused all our problems in the first place. We both agreed to take our situation "day by day". I never asked her to elaborate on what that meant, but I consider "day by day" to mean "slow and cautious reconciliation".

One of the things that I suggested in order to help her get out of her online addiction was the possibility of returning to college to complete her bachelors degree. After thinking about the suggestion for a bit, she thought that this would be a great idea. She acknowledged the fact that this could help her feel much better about herself. I told her that I thought this would be a great self-esteem boost and that it would lead to so many career opportunities that she always wanted to pursue, but lacked the degree for. I told her that I would back her 100% if she decided to do this. She said that all of this made her feel very happy, and it also made me feel very happy as well. This was the first time I have seen my W beaming with joy for a long time.

OK...this is where I think I need to interject a bit of a reality check, and get some opinions before I proceed further with my current sitch. It made me happy that we connected the way we did. I want to help her feel better about herself, and she did admit that going back to college to complete her bachelors would help her to feel MUCH better...BUT...she is still in contact with OM. This is where I need suggestions as to how to handle this. Should I hold off on helping her with this to see if we can fully reconcile our marriage first? Or, do you think I should run with this now in the hopes that this will help out our current sitch even more. Like I said before, my main problem is that she is still in contact with OM, but I don't want her to think I'm issuing any ultimatums at the same time. PLEASE...any suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated....