Just Married Last Year and W Wants To Call It Off

[Rob904]

It just keeps getting worst. The W called from the hospital and said that she would like to bring the laptop there because she will be there until Saturday. I'm sorry, but this act is very selfish in my eyes. Her father is in the hospital diagnosed with having suffered a mild heart attack, and she wants to bring the laptop in there so that she can talk to OM and her other friends online? I'm sorry, but that wouldn't be my first concern.

I really need some help here or I may just end it all with her the next opportunity I see her. Any suggestions or advice in regards to my previous post would be GREATLY appreciated....

[still_hopeful]

I have found physical evidence of my H's A, and yes it gets you boiling mad. But from my experience, that is just the initial rxn. I have run off and let this steer my interaction with my H, and you know what? I felt worse afterwards. It didn't make it better. So, reacting will not make you feel better. If you want to tell her off, write her a letter and post it here. Don't tell her off. It will only bring out her nasty defensiveness and it will make you feel worse that she doesn't crumble from feeling bad about it. It may be best to avoid much interaction with her during this part of the coaster. I just keep telling myself...I can always tell him off. If I put it off today, I am not wasting my chance to tell him off. But once I do, I cannot take it back. So by waiting, you aren't losing anything. This isn't fair to you, you feel betrayed and like you don't even matter. You are betrayed, but you do matter! Your W is just being too selfish to consider anyone but herself right now. Look- she even wants to be selfish with the time she is at the hospital with her father. So she isn't just being selfish with you- maybe that can help you not take it quite so personally.

[NYsurvivor]

I'm sorry, but this act is very selfish in my eyes... I'm sorry, but that wouldn't be my first concern.

Maybe she wants to get some work done while dad rests, or maybe you're right about her wanting to be online while dad rests. Bottom line though, is that that's her business and her decisions and though it wouldn't be your first concern, no matter if you're right or wrong, she doesn't have to think like you. And WASs rarely think like LBSs if ever!

Insofar as "ending" it, don't make decisions based on emotions. You'll regret what you did, and find it more difficult to work this out. There's another member who was on course, saying his WAW was making big giant steps back, but she wasn't 'saying the right things" as per his expectations, he got impatient and served her divorce papers (acted on his feelings of frustration) and she moved out and it looks like she got more involved with the OM, and now he's regretting what he did to push her away and looking to see how he can undo the damage.

There's a lesson to be learned there about letting your emotions make your decisions for you.

[Rob904]

still_hopeful and ny,

You two are right I think the only reason I reacted this way was that this was the first time I actually saw what the OM looks like (not to toot my own horn...I LOOK WAAAAY BETTER! sorry for the ego trip...i just need a little pick me up). This is easily the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life. I'm just glad I have the help and support of such a wonderful community of people....

[lettie]

Rob, sorry about your sitch, but this I will say...sounds like your W is a confused, unhappy person right now. She said she was "numb", and I personally don't think any R she starts will stand a chance, OM or anyone else. Messed up people who hurt others as they are deperatly trying to find happiness just make more messes as they go along. My ex-bf has done the same thing...every R he has, family, friends, ex-w, and now me, is just a mess. Until she figures it all out, go and GAL as I am trying to do. In the meantime, if they come to their senses and get help, great, and if they don't, we are better off in the long run. Good luck.

[heatherg]

Hi Rob. Sometimes the cheating SP gets a clue and wakes up. I did. The real wake up call came for me when I realized I had lost my H. He was through with me. My eyes were open I can tell you that. I was no longer numb inside. I was a mess of emotion and numb was nowhere to be found even though I craved it.
I can tell you what my H did for weeks and I thought it was all over. I can't necessarily recommend that it would work for everyone, but it was definitely what I needed to see the light.
Detach. Cut off contact as much as possible. GAL. Make her feel that she is losing you. As much as possible stop financially supporting her, at least as far as spending money goes.
I really think the key is to do whatever you have to do in order to REALLY make her see that you're done putting up with her nonsense. Make her see that it WILL be either you or him, without ever saying a word. And be really careful about wavering back and forth on this because you don't want her to know that you're really undecided inside.
A cheater's worst enemy is their own mind. The less you say the more they think. The more they think the more the come back to reality.

[Rob904]

Lettie,

I have to agree with your post. My W is definitely doing some soul searching, and I know that this is something she has to decide on her own. I now know that acting on my emotions can lead to disastrous effects, so I'm glad some board members talked me out of my stupidity Like always, must learn to be more patient. Thanks for the insight Lettie! I appreciate it.

Heather,

It's good to know that even in the 11th hour, there is still hope. I'd rather not tread down that path unless I really have to, however. And I defintely agree with you in reagrds to not wavering if it comes down to this. I guess you would lose all sense of credibility if you show any signs of that. Thanks again!

[NYsurvivor]

It's good to know that even in the 11th hour, there is still hope.

There is no 11th hour. The only thing I see as an 11th hour would be right before someone dies.

Detach. Cut off contact as much as possible. GAL. Make her feel that she is losing you... A cheater's worst enemy is their own mind.

Heatherg, I followed that advice back in March, after I got the clue when my WAW bristled at a whiff of an idea that I may not be in contact with her anymore. So, I did go dark, for about a month, but because of an errant phone message for her that came my way (person called up her old number... mine), I broke no contact by emailing her just that message. And the floodgates opened: she immediately responded, enthusiastically worded email wherein she wrote that she thought I didn't want to hear from her but she's wanting to write or call.

Now, in one sense, going dark, since it heightened her appreciation for me, seemed to have the result of bringing out her realization that she doesn't want to lose me, in a manner of speaking, but it didn't prompt her to pursue or regret. Maybe the no contact period wasn't long enough, maybe darkness wasn't the thing to do? In my sitch anyway.

So, I went back to being in consistent contact with her, and we've had more contact now since ever before, and so that seems to be what works... though I wonder if I should pull back again to prompt her "inner wife" (ha ha ha) to become even more enthusiastic when I emerge from the dark again.

I'm just bringing this up to point out that detaching and GAL are essential, but cutting off all contact has to be balanced and weighed and watched.

Here's my last thread if you wanna take a look, though it's locked. I'll start a new one one of these days.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Board=UBB2&Number=890973&page=1&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=&fpart=all

[Rob904]

hi everyone,

it's been a while since i last posted because there really hasn't been quantup leaps of progress to report on my sitch anyways, but i do have a question that i need opinions on.

current situation: my w and i still live under the same roof. i have been MUCH better detaching and GAL than i did before (sometimes i falter, but i get back on track quickly). w still spends endless hours on the computer talking to her friends and OM (grrr... ), but i ignore this completely.

by the time i wake up to get ready for work in the morning, she is usually still up talking to her friends online. we are still on opposite schedules (she sleeps throughout most of the day, and i sleep at night). this is what confuses me. every now and then, when i am getting ready for work, she will come to me, give me a very warm and affectionate hug, and she will tell me that she misses me so much. i tell her that i miss her as well, and leave it at that. after that, she will go on her merry way back to the computer and chatting away with her friends and OM.

i know that this is mean of me to think, but i have noticed this behavior of hers and i'm starting to see a pattern. it seems as if when she can sense we are drifting apart, she will give me some reassurances of that sort. to me, it seems almost as if this is some sort of stalling tactic, because she knows that the next alternative would be for me to suggest that her and i live separately. for her, that would mean moving back in with her parents and missing out on all the freedom she has while we are still together at home.

maybe i'm thinking too much, but any opinions on this would be greatly appreciated. i really don't know what to think of this.....

[kml]

Rob -
Let me get this straight. Your wife doesn't work, you have no kids, and she spends all her time on the internet with an OM who doesn't even know she's married????

Often, it can be a good move for the LBS to stay in the house with the WAS, in order to show their new-and-improved DB self to the WAS. But in your case, it seems to me that you are only enabling W's internet addicton.

I say, tell OM she is married, tell W she needs to move out tomorrow. Tell her family what she has been doing. Let her face the consequences. Once she is living at home and has to get a job, she'll have less time for her internet fantasy life. Of course, there is a risk she will go to OM (of course, he may be married too!) - but letting the fantasy turn into reality may be useful in the long run.

Ellie