Just Married Last Year and W Wants To Call It Off

[Rob904]

I think the W is becoming a little more receptive with each passing day, but any suggestions as to the questions I posed in the previous post above would be greatly appreciated. I am still being cautiously optimistic, but I want to make sure I don't jump the gun in any way...

[anna123]

There is a discussion today in "Separated" about the wedding ring issue. I personally can't imagine taking mine off, but I also check his hand every time he comes over. His is still on, and I always feel a wave of relief. It would certainly get his attention, though.

The wedding pictures... I'd do what feels natural. Mine are all over my house, but they don't cause me pain. So I leave them up. It feels like taking them down would be nothing more than spite. But that's only me.

Really, both depend on you. They are definitely acts that would get her attention. But if you only do it in order to get her attention, then they might seem petulant. If you want to free yourself of some of the symbols of your marriage, and want to free yourself of the memory being shoved in your face, then absolutely do it for yourself.

Bear in mind you're talking to a girl who won't even change her answering machine from being his voice saying all of our names. I'm attached to symbols and that's not necessarily a good thing.

[Rob904]

Anna,

Thanks for your suggestions. I really appreciate it. I think I will keep my wedding ring on, as well as all our wedding pictures up. I think I overreacted tonight. In my previous post, I stated that I thought that she was becoming a bit more receptive. Well, we had dinner at home, and out of the blue, she said to me, "You know, I don't want you to feel as if you have to hang around the house just because I'm here. If you want to go out with your friends, don't let me stop you.". I had several reactions to this.

First off, I get the idea that I'm not employing LRT to the best of my ability. I do occasionally get weak and try and plan dates together with her, and I know this can only serve to push her back. What confuses me however, is that she still says she misses me, and when we hug, I'm always the first to break it off, but at times she doesnt want to let go. I'm definiteley on the roller coaster ride that LRT is associated with. One day good, the next day bad...so on and so forth. I'm not sure how much longer I can take this, and the sad thing is, it's only been 2 weeks since the wife said she wanted to call it quits.

[Rob904]

Last night, I told my W that I was going out with some friends (working on GAL). I didn't return until 9:00 am next morning. I ended up staying the night at my parents house after the night out. I hate to say it, but it actually felt good getting away from the W for a bit.

At this point, a little routine of sorts has formed. During the weekdays, I have to be in bed early for work the next day, so she usually times her talks with the OM around 2-3:00 am, when I'm already dead asleep. The trouble is, is that both of us are entirely on different schedules.

She has adjusted her schedule so that she can be up late at night to talk to this OM, so during the majority of the day, she is asleep in bed. Currently, she is unemployed, and really has no friends here, so she is clinging on to that guy for all her social fulfillment. At times, it feels as if there is nothing I can do to break her free from that world on the computer.

Do you want to know what her day consists of? The minute she wakes up, she is on the computer ALL THE TIME!!! The only time she is off of the computer is when we have dinner together, or when she is on the cell phone talking to OM. That's why I feel so taken for granted. I think the only reason she is still here is because it is convenient for her. If I asked her to leave, it would mean that she would have to move in back with her parents, and she definitely does not want that (no computer access there).

It really hurts to feel this way when it seems like you are the only one trying to save the sinking ship. I am still trying to stay positive, but I am beginning to think that both of us living separately for a while would be the healthiest option for me. Anyone have any opinions on this? Please let me know...

[kim_k]

Hey Rob,

You are right, it does seem like we are taken for granted. Sortof like having your cake and eating it too. As long as i handle all resposibilities, he doesn't have to worry about anything but OW. It stinks to feel this way. Maybe if you seperate, she will realize what she is missing. Grass isn't always greener on the other side.

[Rob904]

Hi Kim,

I have to agree with you. The feeling of being taken for granted just compunds an already difficult situation to begin with. I always have to remind myself that if things are going to change, it will have to be through my actions in which I trigger a change in my spouse, not the other way around. Easier said than done...right? In any event, all of you here on this forum will be my lifeline for a while, and hopefully I can offer my support as well. That's what we're all here for right?

[anna123]

I am beginning to think that both of us living separately for a while would be the healthiest option for me.

Hi Rob,

That's such a tough question. I know that I gave my H an ultimatum and he chose the door. Now it's been 6 weeks that my children are without their Daddy, and I miss him desperately. For the first chunk of time I wished I could take it back and have him come home, no questions asked.

Then things changed. I've started making choices for myself and rediscovering my true self. I am having a lot of fun that I know I wouldn't have if I was sitting on the couch with H, comforted by his physical presence, but tormented by his emotional absence. I doubt I could have come this far with him around. You may have surmised from my posts that I tend to go into a self-doubt tailspin when he comes around. When I limit contact, I indulge my true self a lot more. I now think that this S is really helping me, and I don't know that I'd take him back right now, until there are a lot more changes. I'm actually having a blast and making the most of this vacation.

So I guess, like everything else, you have to ask yourself what a separation would give you. Do you want it to get her attention? Proof of her ambivalence? For revenge? To prove to her that her life is worse without you? These aren't the best reasons. But if you just feel like you are more at ease and better able to work on yourself with some physical distance, and it will ease your anxiety to be away from her for awhile, then you may chose to do this for yourself, and your personal growth (ugh - I cannot believe I just used the term 'personal growth'. Stop me before I say 'inner child'!!) Take a long time to examine your motives. Separation makes it all too real and may be a step on a path you don't want to travel.

[Rob904]

Anna,

Very good points there! I appreciate it. For my sitch, it would definitely help me, but I'm afraid she may view this as the beginnings to an end, which I defintely do NOT want to do. I guess I will stick to my guns for the moment, and make HER make the decision for herself. Maybe this will help develop my inner child (oops Anna! ) a bit more...

[Rob904]

Any of you out there ever have one of those days where you want to put your WAS and the other person in a small box, then put that box in a cannon, and then aim the cannon at the moon? OK...note to self...must improve thought stopping technique...

It's very hard to apply DBing priciples when it feels as if the WAS is using you. Just to give you a bit more context on my situation, my wife and I have been together for 6 years, marriage going on currently 1.5 years. She has not had a job for close to 2 years. I can definitely tell you that she has "motivational" issues (boy I hope she doesn't find this forum). About 4 months ago, she said she wanted to try and pursue a career in acting. She told me that there was a play in New York that was holding open auditions and she wanted to try out for a part in it to get some initial "experience". So I agreed to this, and paid for the airfare and the hotel stay of one week. Little did I know at the time, she was also using the trip to meet the OM for the first time. So basically, I FUNDED AN AFFAIR!!! I feel so stupid and used everytime I think about it...

So fast forward to present day. My W and I still live together, and she is still in contact with this OM. She tells me that she feels so numb inside that she doesn't feel like doing anything productive. She hasn't looked for a job, and basically I'm the one cleaning up after EVERYTHING.

The point I'm trying to make is this. I find it very hard to apply DB principles for someone that makes me feel used. I am also not blind to the fact that I brought some of this onto myself. It does take two to tango, so I do realize that I contributed to her present state as well. And as far as communication, it's very hard to communicate with someone that does the same thing day in, day out. I have really tried to improve the communication between us, but when there is nothing new to talk about, what do you say? I really can't talk about our relationship either because that's a DB no-no for those applying LRT approach.

I'm afraid of where this is going. At first, I was so scared of losing her. Now I'm scared for a different reason. I'm scared I may be falling out of love with her. I just hope that this feeling passes...

[Rob904]

I am begging someone out there to talk some sense into me before I end it all. OK...heres the scenario:

My wife's dad unfortunately was admitted to the hospital last night for some chest pains he was having. Long story short....my W decided to spend the night with her dad at the hospital.

Up to this point, she has been on the computer during every waking moment. She is constantly chatting online with her new friends that she has made online, as well as the OM .

I never understood the depth of their relationship until I had an opportunity to check my W's laptop. I hope all of you out there don't think I'm some sort of psycho stalker, but infidelity has a way of making you a bit paranoid.

I found several videos that apparently they sent to each other recently. The videos were recordings of themselves addressed to each other. In both their videos, they both professed their love for each other.

My W has never admitted to loving him, but she did admit that she wasn't sure where this relationship with the OM was going. Well......have MY feelings changed after seeing these videos. Believe me...I will have NO PROBLEM WHATSOEVER doing 180s and GAL at this point. Psssshhhh...

Oh...btw...I forgot to mention this little tidbit....my W has never told the OM that we are married!!!!! I can't even be angry at this guy because the poor sap just has no clue!!!!! I feel as if I'm in some sort of surreal dream. The only one I can be angry at is my wife.

You know, it's one thing to be told about the infidelity, but to actually see visual evidence of it is almost too much to bear. My emotions just have total control of me right now. Someone please tell me I am overreacting, because I think I may do something I may come to regret later.

As I'm writing this post, I've been listening to my list of "angry" music. The song that is currently playing is the song called "In the End" by Linkin Park. It just feels so appropriate right now. Ok...thats the end of my rant. Please someone....help a poor fool out!