Just Married Last Year and W Wants To Call It Off

[Rob904]

Hi everyone. I'm new to this forum, but am hopeful that I can receive any supporting thoughts or suggestions to my current dilemma. Here is my situation:

My W and I married on Jan. 3rd, 2004. At the time, my wife and I were madly in love. Just recently, about 4 months ago things started to change. We didn't talk to each other nearly as much anymore, and we started to act more like room mates than soul mates at that point. My wife spent more time online, and found a political forum that she found interest in. I was unaware of an internet affair she was having these past 3-4 months until just recently.

Last week, she was on a trip to New York to try out for an audition in a play (she wants to go into acting) and to visit some of her "friends" that she met online from the forum that live in the area. While she was on vacation, I received a post card in the mail addressed to my wife from a man she had never mentioned. In the post card were the statements "missing you now", and "thinking of you always". I was devastated.

When my wife returned from NY, I confronted her about the man. My wife confessed to having a flirtatious relationship with this person. She said it wasn't intimate, but that she thought she might have feelings developing for this person. She then questioned our marriage, and said she wanted to call it quits. I asked her why, and she said that it had nothing to do with "him". She said that for the longest time she had felt empty inside, and we slowly drifted apart. She said she can no longer have feelings for me the way she used to because it's basically too little too late from her perspective.

I was frantic at this point. At first, I begged and pleaded for her to reconsider working things out. She said that it's too late at this point. It was only after pleading with her did I stumble upon Michele's web site. I picked up a copy of her book, and tried to apply the principles as best as I could. Just to reiterate my current state of affairs, my wife wants out of the marriage, she is still in contact with this OM, and we both still live together. Currently, I am trying to employ the LRT method to the best of my ability. This is where I am desperately in need of suggestions:

My wife is still in contact with this OM. My wife is asking me if she should leave the house, since she knows that this is hurting me. I don't want her to leave, but at the same time, it hurts to have her around when she is still in contact with this OM. In addition, she is still adamant of the fact that ending this marriage is the only solution. She says she needs time to do some "soul searching". Basically she said that, at this point, she is in a state of utter mess. She acknowledges what went wrong in our relationship, but is convinced that she needs to make herself happy before she can think of making anyone else happy in a marriage. The scary thing is, is that she says this with great clarity of mind, not in a panicked state of delusion. I so want to desperately save our marriage, but I'm not sure as to how to tackle this anymore. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

[Ohio_DB]

I'm sorry that you had to come to this web site. Hopefully you will find good advice.

My wife is asking me if she should leave the house, since she knows that this is hurting me.

She is trying to make you make a decision for her. DON'T DO IT.

Possible responses:
1) If you feel you need to leave, that is your choice.
2) I don't want you to leave. (period, say NOTHING else)

Looking back, I'd handle it this way (BTW, I'm in month 14 of DBing):
3) Say nothing. Let her vent. Validate her feelings. niether say yes/no to this question. I believe she's fishing and trying to 'test' your commitment to her. Change the subject. Show unconditional love through ACTIONS, not words.

Other Advise:
VALIDATE, VALIDATE, VALIDATE and LISTEN: She says 'it's the only way'. Validate with 'I'm sorry you feel that way'.

GAL (Get A life). Start finding activities/hobbies/stuff YOU find enjoyable, and start doing them.

'Act as if': ANYTIME you have interactions with her, smile and be happy, even if it's killing you inside. Smile and be happy with YOURSELF!

Take care!

[Rob904]

Thanks for the kind and supporting words. I know that I don't have to tell any of you that this is hard. You said that you were in month 14 of DBing? You are definitely an inspiration to me. I only hope that I have the same strength of resolve as you do in the end.

I think this would be easier to do had I known that she isn't still talking to this OM. Unfortunately, she still is, and I constantly have to remind myself to leave my anger and resentment at the door.

One thing worries me however. My wife is currently in between jobs. If she were to leave the house, it would mean that she would have to move back in with her parents temporarily. She has told me that she would despise this decision. I can't help but feel that the only reason she is still staying here is that it is more convenient for her to communicate with this person here as opposed to her parents house. I know that these are bad assumptions to make, but I'm only human.

[Rob904]

OK....my wife has confirmed that she is basically still living with me out of convenience (not in those exact words). She is still in contact with this OM, and currently I am still trying to employ the LRT method. I make no mention of this person AT ALL, but I know that they still talk. Certain questions she asks me are difficult for me to answer without doing a backslide. I was hoping I can get several suggestions as to how to respond. Here are a few of those questions:

Have you told your parents yet?
Do you hate me for still being here while I'm talking to this guy?
Why do you still love me? I was such a horrible person to you?

I read somewhere that I should't believe anything that is said, and less than 50% of what I see, since my W is still in a hurt state. She said earlier in our marriage we just suffered a major disconnect (about 4 months ago), and she has never been able to feel the same way for me again, though she has said she has tried.

My apolgies in advance for being so selfish and not responding to any other threads yet, but once I figure out the direction I really need to go with my current situation, I can hopefully be a more contributing member to other posts. I wish all of you nothing but the best for your current situation.

[anna123]

Hi Rob!

Those are hard questions... Here's what I'd say. Feel free to disagree, cuz I'm no expert!

Have you told your parents yet?
I'd gently turn this back to her, ask her questions "Is it important to you that I don't? How do you want it handled? How are you handling your parents?"

Do you hate me for still being here while I'm talking to this guy?
No. I don't hate you, although I'd prefer this wasn't happening. (don't refer to OM in your answer)

Why do you still love me? I was such a horrible person to you?
Because you aren't your actions. (don't say "I love you because..." cuz we aren't saying that we love them)

The shorter your answers, and the more they focus on her needs instead of yours, the more open she will become. You may end up biting your tongue in half!

If she was motivated enough to commit to leaving, she'd be gone. Her presence indicates ambivalence. Tip the scales in your favour by being the more attractive option.

Good luck!

[Rob904]

Thanks Anna! Those are great suggestions! I have been fortunate enough that she has not asked any of those questions since I last posted. A small glimmer of hope occured today. Before I left for work, my W gave me a hug and she said, and I quote, "I sorta miss you...". I had to remind myself that I am still in LRT mode, so I kept the affection brief (although I must admit, it was hard to do). I know I don't have to tell any of you this, but it's definitely more difficult executing the DB techniques as it is to understanding them. I know one thing however. Even though I am a new member, I think I would have called it quits on day one had I not found this website. The stories I read from everyone are so inspirational. My heart goes out to all of you, and I pray for a speedy resolution to your situation.

[Rob904]

Opinions please...

As stated before, I am currently employing the LRT approach as my current DB tactic. One of the suggestions made for this approach is "Getting a Life". I have no complaints with this in regards to the added self esteem this instills in ones self, however, do any of you think this can also be damaging to recovery efforts as well? Could it possibly be perceived to the spouse that he/she is no longer important? Currently, I spend very little time at home since my W still lives with me. I am still cordial and kind with her, but at times I feel as if she thinks that she is no longer important to me (which is DEFINITELY what I do NOT want her to assume). Maybe my approach to the LRT is all wrong, or maybe I'm just crazy in the head, but I'd appreciate any thoughts or suggestions on this...

[NYsurvivor]

however, do any of you think this can also be damaging to recovery efforts as well?

Only if you were LRTing during the marriage and totally ignoring your spouse, for which reason they had a problem with you, in which case, it appears to them that you haven't changed.

Could it possibly be perceived to the spouse that he/she is no longer important?

Let's hope so. That's one of the ideas behind it, that we're more involved with our own lives and can be happy without the spouse. But look at it another way: showing the WAS how dedicated we are to them and the relationship by engaging typically in clingy pursuing behaviors and declarations of our commitment to our vows, doesn't work but it does push them further away. Understanding the reasons why that is so, helps us in understanding why LRT can be effective.

[Rob904]

Thanks NY. I guess my biggest problem is patience. Leaving Mr. Angry at the door and putting on Mr. Happy Face when I walk in the door is still something I'm struggling with. If only all our spouses knew what we were going through. You know, theres probably a few good threads here that could be turned into a good inspirational movie...

[Rob904]

ok...this is the 2nd day in a row where she has told me that she misses me. I would like to be cautiously optimistic, but at the same time, should i be concerned that her feelings could possibly stem from other sources? Maybe it's feelings of guilt, or maybe it's not working out with OM. Any insight to this would be greatly appreciated.

One more thing, since I am doing the LRT approach, I have been very good at making no mention of my affection for her, or our future together. I do have one question however. All our wedding pictures are still up around the house, and she knows that I still wear my wedding ring. Do you think that her seeing all of this is a bad thing? Thanks in advance for any suggestions you might have....