UD, he has done this so many times that I cannot assume he is interested just because he shows interest in my work.
He would have to tell me he's interested before I would believe this.
2. I haven't seen any change in his behaviour financially so I don't believe that has changed.
3. I do want to reconcile to have him back and my kids, but likewise I did have very severe depression after he left including hospitalisation and 3 OD's. I was on anti-depressants for about 18 months and having to travel to hospital every month to see a consultant. I was cleared of depression in about February 03 but I still have times when I 'crash' - therefore, my PMA is vitally important to me and to DD4 who lives with me.
I want to DB in a safe way that doesn't open me up to the possibility of depression.
4. True, I do want more non-sexual support, but in the past he has given AOS for MONTHS and then we've got to a crossroads in the R, then shortly after it develops into an intimate R, he backs off. I need to be certain I am not getting into the same cycle.
Also, I am not sure of his intention. He might just want to be friends permanently, in which case I am not interested in that. I can do civil for the kids, or a proper R but not in between.
Maybe I shouldn't analyse it so much.
5. True, the goal isn't mystery, but likewise, he thinks he can treat me however he likes and that I'll always be there to chat to him and give him sex etc (he even asked me once, if he moves away, would I still let him visit me? - he meant in a more than friends way whilst living the other side of the country. I said no).
He has never let go properly and in my opinion my marriage will not be saved until I switch off and then he realises that there will be no more Jo for him unless he moves back in and acts like the husband he should be.
This sounds hard, but honestly, there has to be a limit to the amount of time I give in and let him run me round in circles? I believe if I try to be distant, he will eventually panic and ask for sex (his usual response) at which point I will say no (180) and then he will either take me back because he realises I'm gone, or that will be it.
6. I thought he was getting it. He said 'I Love you' and a whole load of other really romantic things which he hadn't said in 3 years, and then 3 weeks later I got an email saying he couldn't be with me because he's too 'rigid' in his parenting views.
So I am very skeptical about any moves on his part to move closer. I welcome them, but I'm wary.
Perhaps he is sorry for that email and wishes he hadn't done that? He upped his AOS quite a lot after that and seems to be initiating quite a lot of contact, although we don't generally spend any time together when he comes here, like we used to.
I did not mean to be presumptuous. I am sure that you have been in this so long that you have made certain decisions and set certain boundaries that you have found essential. Sorry to bug you about it. Just trying to present a different perspective for whatever it is worth. Your rationale for the actions that you are taking sounds appropriate. BTW, a friend of mine (not on the bb or anything) has had a similar roller-coaster ride with her WAH connecting sexually with her and withdrawing multiple times. It ended in a divorce but then a few months after that he came back. They are working on reconciling right now and it is still shaky because of his fears. But my gut feeling is they will make it. I hope you do too.
Stay strong.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Looks like H is waking up to the presence of 'competition' regarding the website. This might serve useful in helping him to be spurred on by the prospect of losing you.
I'm curious to see how this plays out, but I would bet it has a very positive influence, as this is different then merely jumping in the sack with someone else, yet can still be threatening.
Like UD, I wonder if a warmer approach coupled with this other programmer's presence might be better. What are your thoughts?
Yes, I think he is a bit insecure about me not needing him for my work.
I told him a few weeks ago that I didn't want his help anymore and then last time we met, I told him to forward me the domain details as my new web designer needs them. I referred to the web designer as 'him' because he's male, and my guess is, H doesn't like that because according to his email, he has been working on a site for 'days'.
All of my friends are female and even my online male friends such as yourself, he is not aware of. This is the first time I've mentioned a 'him', and that coupled with me saying I don't need his help has probably jolted him into doing something.
I got an email off the other guy re the website and he is still working on it and I'm not going to stop him as H is so unreliable I will be interested to see if he comes up with the goods.
BTW, there is nothing romantic going on with the other guy. It's purely professional. His wife is a customer of mine, just thought I'd clarify that point.
I think you and UD are right. I could do with being more gentle with H. Next time I will be a tad more friendly with him.
Oh, no need to reassure about the other computer guy. You are obviously one of the most committed, solid persons to post on this BB, and your patience is Job-like. H is very lucky in that regard.
If this continues to draw H closer, you may just want to start mentioning other 'hims."
Has H started to come around more frequently again?
I just wanted to clarify that anyway as it really isn't usual for me to have male friends unless they are online.
There's you guys on here and my life-coach was a man but other than that I don't know any men (oh, my publisher is male).
Literally ALL my friends are female and I don't generally go places where there are any men, so mentioning another bloke got me all self-conscious and thinking 'omg, I hope the people on the BB don't think I am getting off with a computer programmer!'
Maybe I should make him think I have stack loads of people wanting to bed me, LOL. He was definitely disconcerted by me mentioning a 'him'.
He is not coming round more frequently, no, although the last 2 ocassions out of 3 he did stay for a bit when there was no obvious reason to and to get an email from him that isn't about the kids is very RARE.
He HATES writing and even when we were married, he wouldn't string 2 sentances together. I remember once he went away to France for 2 weeks on a work assignment and didn't even send me a postcard, and that was when we were happily in love. He phoned me a few times to chat, but he wouldn't write.
He wrote love letters when we were dating but as soon as he 'had' me, he stopped writing. So to get a spontaneous email, just chatting, is a very big deal in my sitch.
ATM I am not going to encourage him to visit or stay for longer. If he wants to he wants to, but I'm not desperate. I can go without.
If he chooses to spend any time with me, I will be friendly, but it has to be his initiation as I'm not going to chase him. That would be degrading and unfeminine.
I have been reading your sitch but haven't commented lately because I find it a bit painful to read.
Being a non-custodial mother who previously was ill with depression, I have the ability to see your sitch from both sides and in a lot of ways, I feel for your XW.
HOWEVER, I wholeheartedly agree with what you are doing to protect your kids and I think you are making good progress and that you and the kids will do well in life.
I just hope that your XW tries to help herself after you are gone and does something with her life, as it's such a waste.
Well done, though, for helping YOU and being there for your kids. And you did TRY to be there for XW too so I think your actions have been very commendable.
I got in from the bank to find a message on my answer phone from Andy, saying I didn't reply to his text. Would I call him?
I powered up my cell phone and there was a text from him, asking to have DD4 tomorrow (instead of Saturday) in the morning, through until Sunday evening.
This isn't really on, as DD4 is supposed to be at nursery school tomorrow morning for only the third time she's been and I had things to do.
I phoned him and said no. He told me he has been invited on holiday at the last minute and wants to take her too. I explained about our schedule but he kept on pressing me. I said I have to pay for missed sessions so he offered to pay instead.
Eventually I backed down but I find this really annoying. I asked to see the girls, he said yes. He said thank you.
So my girls are coming round at 10am tomorrow and after that he will take them all away for the weekend.
Now for some reason I can't explain, I am in tears. Even though that's supposed to be good.
Jo, Thanks. I read your update this morning, I am sorry to hear that you are in tears. I am sending a "hug from Texas" to you. I hope you feel better soon, you have so many good things you are doing, which will help you pull through the down times.
I still care for XW very much, I pray that she will get help for herself. The main reason she has these mental illnesses is because of her brother, then her father and third her mother. The thing I worry about is I don't think she knows how seriously she needs help.
She made this comment to me that reflects the inability to understand how things really are. "Jdd what have I done that CPS won't leave me alone, I have not done anything to hurt my children?
My response was "I think you should talk to CPS about your concerns."
Jo, you know from reading my thread what the sit. is. She still has dog feces in the house because she just won't get rid of the last two dogs. She brings drug addicts in to live with her and the kids, she leaves them alone with these people. She uses very poor judgement with their safety, her own safety and money issues.
An elderly friend of mine told me, "Jdd have you been able to help her get better? How long have you been trying? If you could have helped her don't you think she would have made some progress?
He said "you need to seperate yourself from the problem, so you take care of yourself and the children"
He is 110% correct, even though it totally breaks my heart, I can no longer help her. Nothing inmproves, there is just one crisis after another. When I have moved and can not help her with any of her problems, I pray that she will get help for herself before she gets hurt.
I have loved her for a very longtime so the things I have to do now are going to be extremely hard. I guess its called "tuff love"
Jo, I pray for your happiness and sucess, may God bless you and your family.
