I am still a little confused. I think physical touch (esp. sex) is every man's primary need, not LL (By LL I mean what would your H do for you if he wanted to express his love, when he would gain nothing immediately- sex does not fall in this category for most men). Now, I see several contradictions in your statements (from my distant standpoint of course).
"I want a healthy R where he respects me" - maybe his offer of help, interest in your work etc are ways in which he is beginning to address that? "I am trying to show him that I am in control of my own life." - in light of above are you throwing away baby with the bathwater? "2. He has no business...." - Maybe he recognizes his past mistakes and is trying to make amends? "3. When I connect in with him more and respond to him more, it is harder to maintain PMA as I am not so detached from my sitch." - Is your goal to maintain PMA or to reconcile with your H? "4. When I am less available, he misses me and makes more effort and gives me more of what I want." - Isn't what you want what he is trying to offer you this time around- i.e. not sex but support? Again, what is the goal - is it to be less available to him (I think not)? "5. People always want what they can't have, so by not always being there etc, it creates more mystery. If I don't want him, he wants me more. Reverse psychology - works every time on him." - True, very true, but again the goal is not mystery.
"6. He has been saying he wants me, sleeping with me etc and then backing off......In this sense, I am being careful."- Yes, but is it a Pavlovian response? I.e. you have trained yourself to resond the same way every time your H makes overtures? This can happen to all of us when the sitch gets very long.
What I am trying to get at it: Is your H finally getting it? Is he doing a 180 on you by taking an unusual route to reconnect with you. One that you want and he has figured out you want and he is trying? Would it not be better to reinforce that positively and encourage behavior that you want? Is this not one of the pillars of DBing? Now, if your H figures out over time that you will not allow him to reconnect through AOS like this, what recourse do you leave him?
Sorry, I am pressing you to reconsider your response here but it seems like after along time in the sitch we start to respond in a programmed fashion to our WASs and if they do a 180 we dont recognize the opportunity and seize on it. Now, you dont immediately have to jump on this opportunity and go all the way back to a sexual connection with your H but perhaps you can use this route to ease back into having him in your R with the respect that you deserve. My opinion- he is making an attempt to reconnect in an unusual way - let him.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
