Congratulations. This is just incredible, that you took your excruciating pain and created something out of it. I guess the genuine-ness of the material came through to the editor. Wow! Amazing! Will look forward to it on bookshelves in the US.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Yes there is excruciating pain, especially in times past, but there's more than that.
There is love in my heart that he put there, that still fills me with joy every day, even though he's not here very often. I sometimes feel terrible isolation, I am lonely, but I have this inner joy that he gave me, that my children gave me, that no one and nothing, not even a divorce can take from me.
He introduced me to more pain than I've ever felt in my life, but he opened my heart and made me feel LOVE - and I never loved anyone until I met him.
He taught me how to love and that's why I could write it.
I cried buckets through some of the chapters, laughed my head off in others. It was quite theraputic to write it all down.
I'm not aware of your sitch, but if it's relatively fresh, I would hold off reading my book for another year or so, as it's quite upsetting and very romantic - a bad combination for a newly separated person.
If you're a romance junkie, you will love it though. It might be comforting for DB'ers because my H still loves me (he said so).
Jo, working with the deliquent boys, I have heard everything. In my youth, the worst thing I saw was a car accident. No one got hurt very bad. Big change going from a nothing childhood to working with kids describing some bloody (human blood)fights.
Quote: Plus the romance is VERY romantic, i.e, graphic sex scenes and some strong language
Good, I have no problem with physical and sexual attraction. Lust and love, and the birth of my children are the best things in my life.
Quote: so just take author's friendly warning before purchas
We are on DB bearing our souls. I think we can read the book. There might be some tears of sorrow and joy I suppose.
The part I might have trouble with is how do I give you a hug of compassion after I read the book? I suppose I might be emotionally connected with the book characters that I will consider you, Andy and your kids part of my family. Question is, do I get to play uncle to Andy and tell him to be a father with a fultime wife?
Anyway Jo, the book deal sounds like a dream. I hope the next couple of months go well for you.
Jo, the news about your book is incredible. I am so proud of what you have done during a time of trials and tribulation. I am looking forward to reading it!!
I registared in Dec.of 03.I've been at this a long time.I'm over in serviving.
In the beginning of all of this I couldn't have read the blandest of romance novels.Never mind an good one.
But my life is so good now and I'm talking back all the things that I lost.Including reading.I took back misic.Now its movies.Next it will be novels. For a while murder mystries where my fav.
Didn't get any good ideas though.
Later Friend. Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
Got email from H - was dreading opening it in case it was something bad, but he was just chatting.
He said he has been working on my website even though I told him not to and I have this other bloke helping me do a new one.
Now H says he is doing it, I will end up with 2 websites for the same thing. This is complicated. I told him I didn't need him and now he's doing it anyway?? I don't get it?
He made conversation about my work (something he hardly ever discusses) and enclosed a couple of links to articles he thought would interest me.
Haven't got a clue what the links are, I haven't looked at them.
I sent a short response back, attaching an article I wrote which contains info he was looking for and I corrected him on a spelling error and said I hope the article was useful to him.
That was all I put. I didn't put my name to it and I didn't tell him about my publishing adventures. I am trying to be ice queenish.
My msn's not working so I can't get the kids email addresses. Wanted to send them some photographs. I will ask for it next time they visit, as I didn't want to lengthen my response to him.
I am going to question some of yoru responses to your XH just to learn from you/ dig into your mind:
"He said he has been working on my website even though I told him not to" Hmmm....Is AOS his LL? If so, what would be the goal in refusing his efforts to reconnect with you?
"He made conversation about my work (something he hardly ever discusses)"- Is he doing a 180 on you or is he expressing hi LL? Again, why rebuff his efforts?
"I am trying to be ice queenish." - what is the rationale for this?
Just playing devil's advocate and trying to learn some strategies from you.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
I presumed it was physical touch as we are both extremely physical people and that is my LL too.
I have noticed that he does tend to up his AOS when he is trying to draw me back in, or when my level of interest in him declines. Then when he has me physically the AOS drops off a little.
So I don't know whether his LL is physical touch or AOS.
My reasons for being stand-offish are:
1. He has major control issues and him reconnecting may be part of that. I want a healthy R where he respects me, not one where he thinks I will always be there no matter what he does. I am trying to show him that I am in control of my own life.
2. He has no business sense and has already cost me literally hundreds of pounds in lost revenue. He is not dependable and will not work to deadlines, forgets things and basically doesn't come up with the goods very often and then I have to go into 'nag' mode to get him to do it so I have found it easier if I try to work all by myself - except I lack certain skills which I am having to learn at college.
That is why I told him no to the website originally.
3. When I connect in with him more and respond to him more, it is harder to maintain PMA as I am not so detached from my sitch.
4. When I am less available, he misses me and makes more effort and gives me more of what I want.
5. People always want what they can't have, so by not always being there etc, it creates more mystery. If I don't want him, he wants me more. Reverse psychology - works every time on him.
6. He has been saying he wants me, sleeping with me etc and then backing off, on and off for 3 years now so last time he got cold feet I cut out the sex and this time I am in the frame of mind where he would have to give me his absolute everything before I would be willing to be pulled back into an intimate R with him. In this sense, I am being careful.
Hope this answers your questions. My H is a complicated man but I know how he ticks. Talking about my work is 180 for him yes - esp. since work conflict was the main reason we split up in the first place.
I am still a little confused. I think physical touch (esp. sex) is every man's primary need, not LL (By LL I mean what would your H do for you if he wanted to express his love, when he would gain nothing immediately- sex does not fall in this category for most men). Now, I see several contradictions in your statements (from my distant standpoint of course).
"I want a healthy R where he respects me" - maybe his offer of help, interest in your work etc are ways in which he is beginning to address that? "I am trying to show him that I am in control of my own life." - in light of above are you throwing away baby with the bathwater? "2. He has no business...." - Maybe he recognizes his past mistakes and is trying to make amends? "3. When I connect in with him more and respond to him more, it is harder to maintain PMA as I am not so detached from my sitch." - Is your goal to maintain PMA or to reconcile with your H? "4. When I am less available, he misses me and makes more effort and gives me more of what I want." - Isn't what you want what he is trying to offer you this time around- i.e. not sex but support? Again, what is the goal - is it to be less available to him (I think not)? "5. People always want what they can't have, so by not always being there etc, it creates more mystery. If I don't want him, he wants me more. Reverse psychology - works every time on him." - True, very true, but again the goal is not mystery.
"6. He has been saying he wants me, sleeping with me etc and then backing off......In this sense, I am being careful."- Yes, but is it a Pavlovian response? I.e. you have trained yourself to resond the same way every time your H makes overtures? This can happen to all of us when the sitch gets very long.
What I am trying to get at it: Is your H finally getting it? Is he doing a 180 on you by taking an unusual route to reconnect with you. One that you want and he has figured out you want and he is trying? Would it not be better to reinforce that positively and encourage behavior that you want? Is this not one of the pillars of DBing? Now, if your H figures out over time that you will not allow him to reconnect through AOS like this, what recourse do you leave him?
Sorry, I am pressing you to reconsider your response here but it seems like after along time in the sitch we start to respond in a programmed fashion to our WASs and if they do a 180 we dont recognize the opportunity and seize on it. Now, you dont immediately have to jump on this opportunity and go all the way back to a sexual connection with your H but perhaps you can use this route to ease back into having him in your R with the respect that you deserve. My opinion- he is making an attempt to reconnect in an unusual way - let him.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
and said I hope the article was useful to him.